"I am always half in life, half in a fantastical version of it in my head"-Dolly Alderton, Everything I Know About Love
A long, quite social week. Movies, late night chats, puzzle making before sleep, singing as loud and out of tune as possible.. In summary, doesn't sound like a bad week. When I think it over, not a bad week after all. Yet a fountain of emotions fluctuated. From "is it all the fun we could have?" to "I will really miss these people". My heart is torn between a yearning to leave and sorrow for the ones that will be left behind. In the heat of a sociable week, my introvert inside was screaming to be alone. But coming back to an empty house (which was also not my home) was pretty devastating.
Growing up in a small town with no entertainment for any age, no coffeeshops, no extracurricular activities other than the life-sucker music and chess schools was not a big deal. While we were kids, our access to internet usage was limited. The new advent of our teen years, Facebook, was our time restricted pleasure because we were told to focus on our classes. With limited access to the outside world, we didn't know much about how others had fun. We thought going to family holidays were happening in the fantasy world of movies. We were told that spending money for pleasure was riches' thing. We believed going to girls trips together would be a dream. It truly stayed as a dream.
We grew up in a place where girls drift apart after getting married. We grew up in a place where before marriage, girls should ask for permission of their parents for going out. And we grew up in a place where girls would not be allowed to travel with their friends. I was never the "asking for permission" type. I was the rebel. If anyone dared to restrict me, I would start a war of screams and broken plates. Nevertheless, bits and pieces of our culture didn't let me live as fully as I wished. I would hide my dates and boyfriends from my family, for instance. Not that I strived to represent the "good girl" image in their mind, but because getting into a fight wouldn't result them respecting my life choices. I also didn't want to put my mom in the spotlight. Anyone who wouldn't dare to talk to me would blame her for letting me live as I wished. So I lived as much as I could live in secret, escaping to different countries where I wouldn't run into anyone familiar with a boyfriend next to me. And although I lived, I was as alone as I was free. I felt unsupported. I believed if I messed up, my family would stand against me throwing my mistakes to my face. I thought I couldn't relay on anyone. And I couldn't relay on anyone.
My only goal became growing up and being independent. My ambition turned into intense greed. I forgot anything else and just wanted to be free. In the mean time, life threw me from place to place, sometimes giving me opportunity to be stronger and sometimes making my life harder to live. I was so confused. How was I going to be strong? When was I allowed to cry and complain? How could I grow up when I was directionless? To whom could I say my fears? From whom could I get advice? I felt lonely and not ready to grow up.
In my wish to grow up, first thing was altering my personality. I transformed myself from a shy girl with social anxiety to being able to socialize and smile to strangers type. Now I am becoming more demanding when needed. I must say I like it.
Next step was being really independent. I was supposed to be the support system for myself. I should be so strong that I wouldn't need anyone for anything. I thought I was mentally powerful enough to be comfortable with being alone. Ironically, that is where I failed. The lonelier I got, the more I strived for connection. Even though my introvert personality enjoyed self coffee dates, they started to become less and less desirable. Even though last week I was counting days to be alone and recharge from all the socializing, I felt immense emptiness after my mom left the city. I didn't know how to be with myself at home, so I threw myself out for long walks and lonely coffees once again. I remembered my childhood days; when my grandparents, my auntie and uncles, my mom's cousins would come out of town for holidays. The house would be full of joy, the sound of radiant laughter would bounce all around. Yet it wouldn't last more than ten days. After everybody left, I would go to my room and cry quietly. It was hard to deal with silence for a shy and lonely child. Now I still carry that child inside when everybody leaves home.
Dear reader, after my mom left today, I went out and cried on the street thinking "I miss my mom". -December 19
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Twenty-something Diaries
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