Healing Diagnosis

Drugs And Alcohol

Pills. Moly. Marijuana. Cocaine. Herron. LSD. Crystal Meth. Beer. Wine. Corn liquor. Liquor. You never know how much you'll be in love with something so toxic until you're going through your healing journey. What the others see as harmful and disgusting, the one healing sees as helpful and necessary.

I can't tell you what would possibly posses an individual to pick up any of the habits when they're going through. How'd they even think to start doing any of it. What I can tell you is, they become a coping mechanism. We don't realize the damage it's caused until we can't get it. Whether it be financial issues or doctors orders.

My addiction became alcohol and beer. But, mainly alcohol. I drank a fifth of Hennessy every day. By myself at that. Instead of facing the holes in my path, I drank to black them out. I didn't need anyone telling me I needed to quit. I wasn't tryna hear anyone tell me they've been where I was. I just wanted to drink in peace.

I remember one time I got so drunk, I woke up the next day in a sweat. I was so scared because I had no clue how I got home. Or whom brought me home for that matter. I began touching myself. I checked to see if my bra was on. I checked to see if it had been unstrapped. Then, I checked to see if my underwear were still on. They were. Everything was still in tact.

I got up to run to the bathroom because I suddenly felt sick. I couldn't even look myself in the mirror because I was so ashamed. What if something would've happened? What if I was raped? What if when I woke up, I was tied up in the back of a van? What if my kids were to never see me again??

That day all I could do was cry while getting dressed. I wondered if I had done anything outrageous or unnecessary the night before. When I finally got myself together, I went to my homegirls house. As soon as I walked in her son said, "I took you home before anybody noticed and I told them you said you wasn't feeling good." Then he walked away. I didn't know what to say or what to feel. I was so embarrassed.

I proceeded to the kitchen and all my girls were there, they were all asking if I felt better and if I needed anything. I shook it off and told them I was fine. I just had a sudden headache and it wasn't trying to leave. We went on joking about the things I remembered from the previous night. As the day went by, so did my memory of my shameful behavior the night before.

The girls and I planned to do the same thing all over again the same night. I went to get my usual fifth of Hennessy, Pack of Newport Shorts, and twelve pack of Heineken. As the night went on, I got drunk per usual. But, this night was different. I was able to walk to home. I heard someone behind me but, I didn't think to look because I figured it was someone from my home girl house making sure I got home.

But, when I looked back I didn't see anyone. I began to speed up. I heard a man say, "why you walking so fast? I'm tryna walk with you." I didn't even look back I took off running. Luckily, I didn't live far from my home girl. What was a two minute walk felt like twenty minutes. I ran into the house and locked the door. I didn't know who it was but, his intentions weren't good.

That night I stayed up all night. I was too scared to go to sleep. I didn't want to call anyone else because what if he'd knocked them out and broke in to do whatever to me. I was up praying and begging God to protect me. Watch over the doors and the windows. Eventually, I fell asleep. When I realized I was sleep, I jumped up. I ran upstairs and checked all my rooms. When I noticed the coast was clear I screamed and cried.

I remember yelling, "God please help me. Please forgive me. I don't want to be an alcoholic anymore." And of course it didn't happen overnight. Temptation became something so hard to deal with to the point I stopped going out. It was in this moment I knew I needed to heal. You would've thought me waking up in my bed not remembering how I got there would've done it but no.

This chapter is a bit longer because it's where I really struggled. I almost lost my family because of it. I drank for three months straight from sun up to sun down. From the time I woke up until, I drank myself to sleep. When I finally realized my drinking was sabotaging not just me but, the ones that loved me I quit.

Here are some tips on how to quit your addiction to reach your healing. First admit that you have a problem. No matter what you do or what someone says to you, you'll never fully get the healing you need if you don't see the problem within yourself.

Secondly, seek Gods voice. Don't know how? Pray. Prayer is a direct line to cleaning, healing and recovery. A lot of times when praying we expect result right then. But, we have to understand we much first be cleansed of all things that aren't of God before he gives us the desires of our hearts. We get upset then turn away from God because we don't see the results. Don't turn away, he's going to help you but you have to allow him in.

Lastly, change your scenery. Change your habits, your mind including. You can't say you're different or you don't do certain things anymore and still place your self around those things. Especially not in the beginning of your healing. The beginning will always be sentimental because it's fresh. It's something new, out of the norm. If those "friends" don't accept your desire to change. Change your "friends." Nothing is more important than your healing.

Drugs and Alcohol are only a tool to avoid the harsh reality that comes with your life. To those that smoke marijuana, I have no issues with it. But, when you use it to ignore what you're dealing with it becomes an addiction. Addictions create chaos and pull you further away from your freedom.