After Wonder

Chapter 9/Who Am I?(A Special Julian Chapter)

𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐬 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥. 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐲 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐠𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐚 𝐛𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐉𝐮𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐠𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐚 𝐛𝐞 𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠. 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐝𝐞𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐠𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐚 𝐛𝐞 𝐚 𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐲 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐟𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐦𝐚𝐲 𝐛𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝. 𝐒𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐚𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐜 𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐬, 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐱𝐢𝐞𝐭𝐲 𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐮𝐜𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐠𝐚𝐲 𝐩𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐜 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐥𝐨𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠.

Sometimes it's good to start over. I wrote that 5 years ago, and I still apply that quote to my life. Especially now because when I meet someone I don't introduce myself as a stupid anxious kid that used to by an ableist asshole. That's behind me, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it everyday since becoming friends with Auggie. Guilt has actually been eating me inside and out. 

"Ugh. What is wrong with me?" I asked myself for the hundredth time that night. We had just had our Mamma Mia performance and Auggie came to see me after the show. I've actually had many conflicting feelings for the past couple months. 

"Is this normal?" I was laying on my bedroom floor looking at my ceiling. "I need to talk to my therapist soon." I grabbed my phone and turned on my playlist. In a minute I was up and standing, singing, and dancing.    

"I got the dreams, I got the style. I got the move to make you smile." I was yell singing, jumping around my room. "So kiss my ass goodbye. Cause I'm gonna be the one!"

"Julian!" My mom called up to me.

"What!" I yelled back, not turning my music down. 

"I told Jeffrey that you'd meet him today." She said. Jeffrey is my therapist, he's great. I went downstairs,

"When?" I asked. 

"In 45 minutes so, start getting ready. Is there anything you want to talk to us about before we take you to see him?" My dad said. Yes, there's a lot I wanna tell you. 

"No. Nothing comes to my mind." I replied then walked back upstairs. For the next 45 minutes, I danced around my room, thought about what I should mention to Jeffrey, and though about Auggie.  

As soon as I was sitting in Jeffrey's office I immediately started talking about Mamma Mia and Auggie. Jeffrey listened with a smile on his face. When I finished talking he asked me a question,

"I've been hearing a lot about Mr. Auggie Pullman lately. How is your relationship with him?" 

"It's....." I paused, about to lie. "I can't lie in therapy. I'm feeling a lot of tension." 

"Is it bad tension?" Jeffrey asked. 

"I don't know, because he's my favorite person right now and I love being around him." I said, I could feel myself blushing. "But, that tension is always there. I get butterflies every time I hear him speak, every time he touches me. I have no idea what's going on. And there's also the fact that I still feel extremely guilty for how I used to treat him." Jeffrey nodded and jotted something down in his notebook.

"I think I have an idea. Perhaps this tension your experiencing is sexual tension." He said. "Do you have a crush on this boy Julian?" I looked in the opposite direction and gripped my hand.