Water under the bridge

Part 11: The first day

Part 11: The first day

It's been a long day...I'm finally home, sitting on the sofa with my foot elevated. I think I might have overdone it today, my ankle is pounding.
The day started out in the worst possible way, saying goodbye to John. I know it's pathetic, it's only 3 days until I see him again, but even if it was just 1 day I would still hate saying goodbye to him. I watched him pack his suitcase in the early hours of the morning. I noticed that he took the seethrough panties he ripped off me the other night. He is no better than I am when it comes to being away for only a few days. When he finished packing we said our goodbyes.
"Please be careful and have a safe trip...I love you so.." I kissed him deeply, giving him something to remember me by. He told me that there was still time for a quickie, flashing his boyish smile and lifting one eyebrow. I was tempted to take him up on his offer, but then it would have been even harder to let him leave. So I told him " You need to get out of here Sailor or else you are gonna miss your plane". We held hands all the way from the bedroom to the front door, our fingers laced together. We shared another passionate kiss before he walked out the door. As he entered the elevator and turned to look at me, we said our final I love you's.

Later I went to my office to catch up on some paperwork. It felt good to be back and I needed to distract myself instead of just sitting around alone with my thoughts. 4 hours went by quickly and I decided to stop for the day. On my way out I bumped into Mark. I completely forgot about him....John makes it easy to forget that other men even exist. We made small talk, he asked me how my ankle was doing and if I was okay. I got the feeling that he was trying to detect if I was back with John, so I hinted that I was back in my penthouse with my family. I didn't feel the need to clarify or justify my situation to him...I barely know him other than the night at the party and the "date" to the movies.
I can't stop thinking about our short conversation. Something was weird, felt strange. Come to think of it, it was something he said. He said that it must be lonely in that big penthouse all by myself. How would he know that John is away?? I don't remember mentioning that to him.
I chill runs through my body and by instinct I go to the door, making sure I locked it and set the alarm.
Returning to the sofa I think about my children. Today 2 of them needed me. First it was Carrie who I bumped into at the hospital. My precious oldest child... John and I call her the child of our hearts. She has always been a good and loyal girl but lately she has been conflicted. She is working closely with Mike at the hospital which is putting pressure on her relationship with Austin. She hasn't told me about her feelings towards Mike, but I have seen them together, the looks and the small touches, signs that tell the tale of 2 young people who are trying to deny the feelings they have for each other. I should know, I have been there with John. I know what that looks like even though I thought I could hide it, other people noticed. She reminds me so much of myself, which is funny given I'm not her birth mother. But I have raised her since she was little, just like Brady. Carrie told me that she and Austin had another fight and she felt she is to blame for their troubles, because she is the one neglecting their relationship. She doesn't know that I know what is really troubling her. I pretend not to know about her feelings towards Mike, so I give her the best advice that I can't without making her feel bad or wrong. I try to stay neutral..... I want to tell her to be careful and think all of this through and not make a mistake that can't be undone. But I know it won't make a difference...the heart wants what it wants. I can't advise her what to do, only she will know. What I can do is listen to her and just love her though this hard time.
Finally I was in my car heading home when Bell called my phone in panic. She told me that she was going on a date with Shawn tonight and that she forgot to pick up her dress at the dry cleaners and she didn't have anything else to wear. I reacted by laughing out loud at the fact that teenage problems are so simple when you are an adult, but when you're 17 it's a matter of life and death. She started crying telling me it's not funny, so I tried my best to be serious and offered to pick up her dress at Salem Place.
At Salem place I ran into Brady and Chloe. I didn't know they were friends. Brady seemed nervous and was trying to explain to me why they were there together. It was then I realized that Brady is head over heels in love with his little sister's best friend. I must say they looked adorable together. I wonder if Chloe knows how he feels about her. We said goodbye and he told me he would be home later.

It's 6 in the evening now and Brady is still not home and Bell left for her date 1 hour ago. I haven't heard from John since earlier when he texted me that he had arrived safely and was going directly to ISA headquarters. I'm tempted to text him, but I know I will hear from him as soon as he can get a break. I turn on the tv and flick through the channels, nothing catches my interest. I hear someone at the door and my heart starts beating fast. Jesus Marlena..relax I tell myself. I don't know what it is with me these days. And sure..in walks Brady. "Brady you're home!!" My voice sounds relieved and happy.
"Hey Marlena.. what's with you?" I can understand why my outburst surprises him.
"Darling I'm just happy you're home, my mind has been playing tricks with me lately, nothing for you to worry your handsome head about." He joins me in front of the tv and we sit in silence for a while, watching the news. "Have you eaten?" I ask him, feeling kind of hungry myself. "No actually I haven't. Should we order something?" He looks at me smiling. "Yeah let's do that, you want pizza?
Pizza arrived 30 minutes ago and I can't force another bite on me. It's absolutely delightful spending this time alone with Brady. He is his fathers son for sure. He is thoughtful, kind, a gentleman and he would do anything for the people he loves. He has been telling me about school and his insecurities about grades. He hasn't mentioned anything about Chloe yet so I gently ask him about her. "So Darling..I wasn't aware that you and Chloe are spending time together". Instantly he blushes and starts to stutter. " Ahhh Hmm well we don't, really. I just happened to run into her at Salem Place, right before we ran into you. She seemed sad, something about parents. I tried to listen to her, she seemed like she needed a friend to talk to and I knew Bell wouldn't be available because of her date with Shawn". Oh my heart...this precious boy...I can't help but smile. "I can tell you really like her" I state matter of fact. " Haha, is it that obvious?" He laughs and I laugh with him. Suddenly he changes the subject.
"Mom.. tell me about when I was little. I remember some things but some things are faint and don't make any sense"...."What do you want to know Honey?" I'm curious as to what is on his mind.
" Ever since I can remember you have told me about my mother and how much she loved me and how she wanted you to take care of me. I'm so grateful for that. You have given me a family, and I'm just so thankful for that, even though it's a messy one at times. But what I really don't understand is, how come it took so long for us to become a family... I mean for you and dad to hook up" he laughs at that last word.
His question surprises me, I was not prepared for his interest in Johns and mine history.
I chuckle as I start " Well that is the million dollar question. How long do you have?" I laugh and continue.
"A lot of things played into that. I think the main reason was the guilt we felt from our affair. We hurt a lot of people and we were afraid that we would continue that hurt if we got together. I thought that things would be better if we just stayed friends. It was a very difficult time for the both of us, we loved each other very deeply and we really struggled not to let our feelings be known. But we always made sure that you and Bell were never apart. We wanted you to always have each other no matter how messy our lives were. I can imagine it must have been very confusing for you as a young child. Living with your sister and me, and then your dad would come and stay with us and it would feel like we were a family and then he would leave again". I pause to let him respond.
"Yeah it was quite confusing. I remember we did all this family stuff together. Like going on picnics, ice skating and even living together at the mansion. I remember one Christmas we had a family photo taken and you and dad kissed. I thought for sure that meant that we would be a real family. But that didn't happen" He looks so sad remembering.
"Oh honey...I remember that Christmas so clearly and was also hoping with all my heart that we would be together, but your dad was involved with Kristen then...it was all just so complicated". What I don't tell him is that John and I also shared another kiss that day. I was coming home to the mansion and it was all dark. When I entered the living room John stepped in front of me and grabbed my face, kissing me with such passion my knees went weak and my heart skipped a beat. He told me he thought I was Kristen....Well he couldn't convince me that he didn't know it was me the second he smelled my perfume or when our lips met. I actually think he did know it was me, but Kristen was his excuse for getting to kiss me and continue kissing me, way longer than what was appropriate for friends. Looking back I don't know why I didn't notice how he felt about me, everything he did and didn't do told the truth about his real feelings. Brady snaps  me out of the memory.
"Mom...I'm so glad that you are back. The penthouse was so empty without you. You are what keeps this family together, even when you and dad weren't together. We are all lost without you, so please don't leave us again no matter how stupid and impossible we behave." He smiles at me but I can see the tears threatening to fall from his eyes. I reach for him and take him in my arms, just like when he was a little boy, as I whisper into his hair "I'm not going anywhere, I promise..my sweet boy".

It's almost 11 in the evening now and I'm in bed. Brady and I helped each other clean up after our talk and then we said goodnight. John hasn't called or texted me and I'm becoming impatient, and a little worried. So I take my phone and call him..... it goes straight to voicemail. This familiar feeling is sneaking through my mind and body. The feeling of something being off. It's not dread and fear but more of an uneasy feeling. As I always do, I shake it off and try to think about something else. I close my eyes and before I know it I fall asleep.
A ringing is interrupting my sleep, confused I look at the clock..2am. I find my phone, and see John's name on the display. "John honey!!!"
"Hey Doc, I'm sorry to wake you but I just came out from briefing." He sounds exhausted.
"It's okay, I'm just happy to hear from you. You sound exhausted Darling".
"Yeah it's been a long day. I miss you sweetheart. I wish I could just crawl into bed with you and hold you in my arms all night"
"Oh you wanna hold me" I say, smiling into the phone.
"Hmm I guess your panties will just have to do..." His voice leaves not doubt about his train of thoughts.
"How was your day Doctor?".
"It was very busy. I saw Carrie and had a nice talk with Brady. But I will tell you all about that when you come home. I'm going to a check up tomorrow, just to see how my ankle is doing".
"I wish I could be there with you Baby". I giggle at his need for always taking care of me even though he has more important things to attend to.
"John...will you talk to me until I fall asleep? I have been having these strange dreams lately and.... I don't know... this strange unsettling feeling.. it's probably nothing but..." he cuts in before I finish. "Doc, I'm coming home now. I know you have been having nightmares. You have been tossing and turning every night, calling for me. I don't like this...."
"No John don't be silly, it's fine, I'm fine... I'm okay.... I'm just missing you, that's all. Please just come home as planned, I have the kids here with me, so if you can just talk to me until I fall asleep and then we can talk tomorrow..." I don't want him to drop everything for me when it's really not necessary.  He reluctantly says ok.
His deep voice lulls me to sleep in no time.

I hear her breathing slowly and I know she has finally fallen asleep. I can imagine her being in bed, curled under the covers, clinging to my pillow so she can smell my scent. She has alway done that, when I have been away. Often she will also sleep in my t-shirts or other clothes of mine. She finally told me that she has been having nightmares or strange dreams as she puts it. That combined with the feeling of something not feeling quite right, troubles me deeply. Her instincts have alway been on point when it comes to gut filings. So because of this, my senses are sharpening, paying attention to my surroundings and small details that could indicate that something bad is coming.
I didn't want her to worry even more, so I didn't tell her about how the briefing went. I have a feeling that I have discovered something in this case that the ISA is not interested in me knowing or finding out. So I thread carefully, when they are interviewing me. I give them a little bit but not too much. I don't know if I can trust them. Shane is the only one from the ISA that I trust and I haven't seen him around, so I guess he's not working on this case.
I go to bed and remind myself to call Brady tomorrow and ask him to keep an extra eye on Marlena, just to keep me a little less worried.