Water under the bridge

Part 5: The hospital

Part 5: the hospital

I hate hospitals, the sounds, the smell, the sharp lights. I don't have one good memory of being in a hospital. It's always pain and suffering, the feeling of hopelessness and not being able to do anything, but just wait for the doctor to come with news. I know she is going to be okay, it's probably just a broken ankle but still I'm scared. I remember when we just met and she fell from a balcony, resulting in months in a coma. I was falling apart, sitting by her side day and night, praying for her to open her beautiful hazel eyes. When she finally did, my whole world made sense again. We almost made love in her hospital bed, hmm okay so there is one good memory.
I see doctors walking around, some are in a hurry getting to a loud beeping sound coming from an operating room. I don't notice Mike approaching me, only when he speaks my name I register his presence. "Hey John, she is okay but she sprained her ankle badly. She needs to take it easy at least for a couple weeks and not put too much weight on it. You can go see her now" Mike pads my shoulder and leaves. I feel nervous as I approach her room. Through the half open door I see her. My heart beats fast. My instinct wants me to run to her and wrap my arms around her, to tell her she is okay and I will take care of her. But I'm not sure she wants that, so I hesitate and knock on the door before entering.

My ankle hurts so bad. It's funny how John, again, is the reason for my pain, this time physical. He lifted me in his arms and carried me inside the Inn where he called an ambulance. He always loved to carry me, telling me I'm light as a feather. Sometimes it's a bit too much, his need for sweeping me in his arms, I do have 2 legs of my own. I know how he feels about hospitals, me being the main reason for the bad memories. We don't have many happy memories from here, not even our baby girl was born here.
Mike said I can't walk on my foot and need to take it easy for a while. That's just great... now I can just sit alone at the Inn and enjoy my own misery, no one to keep me company. This is going to be pure torture both for my mind but also not being able to physically move around. A knock on the door snaps me out of my self pity. John's head appears and I can't help but smile. He stayed...
I'm feeling emotional and a tear leaves my left eye. John comes rushing to my side, probably afraid that I'm in pain. "Hey there Pretty Lady, don't cry, you are okay, I got you" I start to cry even more because of his words. Words he has spoken so many times over the years, words that make me feel safe, loved and in love.

I can't bear to see her cry, it hurts my soul and brings tears to my own eyes. I have always been very protective of her, even when I met her for the first time. A gun was being pointed at her and all I could think was that I needed to save her, to make sure she would forever stay in my life.
I take her hand and that familiar feeling of electricity and butterflies hits me. I have never been able to be near her and not feel that way. Touching her only intensifies those feelings and many more. Feelings of want, desire, love, happiness, arousal only to name a few. Her hand is cold between mine. She leans forward, putting her head against my chest while she sobs quietly. My hand is in her soft hair and I bring a string of it to my nose to inhale her scent. My lips linger at her forehead as I whisper to her "it's okay hunny, it's okay". Our moment is interrupted when the door opens and Mark walks in. We part and act as if we have been caught doing something forbidden. Mark clears his throat before speaking. He says he was working and heard that she was hurt, so he wanted to see if she was okay. I don't blame the fool for his concern. But I need to make him understand somehow that Marlena is forbidden territory, and he needs to back off. I give him a look of annoyance and I think he gets it.

I don't know what came over me. Must be everything that has happened the last 4 months. I've been pretending to be okay, but when John came rushing to me and talking my hand I just lost it. Suddenly I didn't feel so alone, I felt loved and protected again. As an independent woman I know my emotional wellbeing shouldn't have to depend on anybody but myself, but that is easier said than done. The person who said that obviously doesn't know what it means to have met your soulmate. And how your mind, body and soul melt together, and you are able to feel everything the other person is feeling. Now more than ever I feel the effects of not having John in my life and can't live that way. So, as I feel his arms around me comforting me, loving me, telling me everything is gonna be okay, I decide that I need to let him back in my life, to forget our troubles and struggles. I feel John tense and move, I look up to see Mark in the room. I dry my eyes and smile at him when he tells me he came to cheek on me. I see John giving him a look I know all too well, a look he has given many men before, a look that says, back off she is mine.
This whole situation is awkward and very uncomfortable and I need to remove myself from it. I guess Mark feels it too because he excuses himself saying he will call me.
So here we are alone, the room is filled with silence, awkwardness and uncertainty. I'm conflicted, I want to thank him for staying but I'm also angry at him. Angry for what has happened between us and angry that he didn't call after the other night at the Inn. The words fly from my mouth " I didn't think I would see you again so soon after the other night", my tone is sarcastic with a hint of venom. I look down at my hands which are balled into small fists, tears threatening to burst.

Oh she is mad and feisty. I know it's very inappropriate right now given our situation and everything, but I can't help but think she is so sexy when she is mad. But I know the venom in her voice portrays the sadness in her heart and that makes me sorry and sad. Now is my chance to make things right, make her believe in me again. She is still looking down and I know she is also scared, her small fists revealing her. I step closer to her and put a finger under her chin to tilt her head up, so I can look her in the eyes when I tell her. "I never meant to hurt you sweetheart, I have been a fool for letting you walk away and not standing by your side and most recently for not calling you after the other night..I'm so sorry hunny". I wait for her reaction to my heartfelt apology before I continue. She averts her eyes not feeling comfortable with my intense stare but I silently demand her attention again. She is biting her lower lip, a sign that she is struggling to keep the tears from coming. "Doc you have every right to be angry at me but right now, but please let me take care of you and help you heal, both your ankle and your heart"

His stare and words paralyze my body, but my emotions and thoughts move rapidly. So many questions run through my mind, it's all so confusing. What exactly is he offering? I know what he wants but how can he fix me..us.. when nothing has changed between Brady and me. I take a deep breath, blowing the air out of my lungs slowly, trying to steady myself. "Okay... what do you have in mind?" I say, a bit cold. I haven't even considered what he might suggest, so when he says he wants to take me to the Inn and we can take it from there, it surprises me a bit. I don't know if I'm ready to let him take care of me and I'm not sure I trust myself and not give in to him immediately. We need to talk things through before we can make way for the future. But I know myself, I know us. We have never been able to be alone together without lust and desire taking over. That's us in a nutshell and it's gotten us into trouble more than once. That's what made me break my wedding vows to Roman. Despite my ambivalent feelings toward his offer I say okay.