Ain't That a Kick in The Head?

26: Intermission iii: Tailed Beasts are People Too

It's rare that Kurama's jinchuuriki has ever managed to inebriate itself to an extent that he needed to pick up the puppet strings to prevent it from humiliating itself, but sadly, this is one of those times. Alcohol, technically being poison, was directly affected by his healing factor. However, as the potency of alcohol as a toxin in the body is something akin to the unholy daily sodium intake of his current host, Kurama's healing factor isn't as effective as it could be.

Sure, the dumbass can and will sober up faster than the other wasted idiots flailing around in this crowded, hot, smelly and badly-lit dance floor. And he did have to drink more alcohol to even feel affected by it in the first place, due to Kurama's chakra aiding his liver in burning it off as soon as it entered his digestive system. And yet, Kurama is still trapped watching two giggling idiots flirt painfully, as they're both so stupid and buzzed and overloaded with the sensory information from the stupid flashing floor that Kurama hates.

Kurama fucking hates this.

Kurama is going to take the wheel. Naruto is going to embarrass himself--neither of them will remember this tomorrow and then he will sulk and it will be painfully awkward. And then he will have to escape and eat the Uchiha boy.

***

This is bliss. All around them are technicolor lights that crackle and glimmer like fireworks. He's hot, stiflingly hot, Sasuke thinks.

Wait.

Wait no.

Well, yes.

Fuck.

Sasuke's head spins. It's this ugly fucking tracksuit. It's not him .

Wait–

Shit!

He gives up. FUCK IT.

They're both hot.

Sasuke feels like he is going to melt. In a good way, he thinks.

The room is crowded, yet there's nobody else there but them. He feels like there's rainbow bubbles floating past his head, surrounding Naruto.

Oh.

That smile.

He's so completely fucked.

Naruto, Sasuke thinks, looks damn good in his clothes. He should keep them. Wait, fuck. Then he'd be stuck with this awful tracksuit that he desperately wants to burn.

Hmmm.

This is giving him an idea.

What if...there was a situation where... NEITHER of them were wearing any clothes?

He watches Naruto laugh at something and thinks, yes, what an excellent idea. His mouth is so dry. Has been, actually.

Naruto has moved away from him. The crowd is beginning to separate them. He feels utterly indignant.

Can't have that.

Sasuke moves to rejoin his side, but someone slams into him.

"Mind where the hell you're going," he sneers at them.

Some guy with purple (Purple!!!!! Like, entirely purple!!! Fucking weird!!!!) eyes and spiky orange hair briefly gapes and then tries to grab at him.

"Do NOT touch me!" He snaps, offended, then slaps the man's hands away. Sasuke passively notes that he's wearing some sort of full suit. Black blazer, black slacks, partially unbuttoned shirt as purple as his eyes. Which means, it is very purple.

Sasuke then hates him EVEN MORE for making him feel under dressed.

"Did-did you seriously forget you are a member of the Aka...ki, Uchiha Sasuke?" part of his sentence fades out due to the loudness of the dance floor.

"The– The what now?"

"The Aka...ki!"

"I can't fucking hear you!"

Beside the man, a bleary-eyed, amber-eyed woman in a blue velvet dress yells, "THE AKATSUKI!"

The music comes to a halt.

"Why don't we take this to the bar?" says Naruto, but it doesn't really sound like him. His voice is all deep and scratchy and strange. He grabs Sasuke's arm and the arm of the orange-haired man, then gradually, sound begins to flow around them again.

***

"You have made my life so difficult over these past few months, Uchiha Sasuke," mutters Nagato.

The Uchiha simply stares at him.

Aw, bless his heart. There's not a single thought floating around in his head.

"...I don't know who you are."

Konan sighs. She turns to look at the bartender, who's watching them with a mix of fear and amusement, and asks for a martini.

"This is a formal establishment," Nagato says slowly. "It wouldn't make sense for me to wear an Akatsuki cloak in the middle of a crowded village that I am not attacking. Because the goal of the Akatsuki is not to start a war."

"That's... That's not–"

"Shhhh," soothes the Nine Tails' jinchuuriki beside him, "Be quiet. Let the adults handle this."

With a snap of his – clawed? -- fingers, the jinchuuriki has the bartender's attention. "Get him some water." His voice is deep, yet not quite a baritone. It's quite gravelly, and doesn't sound like it matches him.

She catches his eyes. And– oh.

They're red and slitted.

It appears that the beast is in some sort of control. She feels her eyes widen minutely.

"You," says the Nine Tailed Fox with a smirk, "are Akatsuki. I am a Tailed Beast. Pleased to make your acquaintance."

"Nagato–!" Konan's halfway off the bar stool and halfway through a series of hand signs. Nagato's drawn a chakra rod and is brandishing it like a sword.

"There's no need for any of that," it says, cutting her off. The possessed Jinchuuriki cocks its head. "I simply want to have a little chat with you. That's all. Just as you wish to chat with the Uchiha brat here."

"A chat?" her friend repeats. His eyebrows are raised incredulously.

The fox nods.

The bartender– previously having moved away from them to make orders at the other end of the bar– slithers back towards them and eyes Konan and Nagato disdainfully. "We've got a no weapons policy. The Ozone Lounge is a NICE place. Put that shit away, alright! Or-or take your ninja business outside–or risk getting kicked out, you hear?"

"Got it," Nagato hisses through gritted teeth. The rod retracts back into his body.

"Hmph." She dispels her jutsu and sits back down. "So, what do you wish to chat with us about?"

Act naturally, Konan. Don't reveal how absolutely batshit insane you think this situation is.

The Nine Tails has raised one of its host's eyebrows.

Shit.

This is so fucking weird.

"You people have kidnapped seven of my siblings. Why?"

"Siblings ?" Nagato repeats.

"Yes, siblings. Surely, you've heard of the Ten Tails." it responds, tone somewhere between earnest and snide.

Konan blinks. Everyone in the Akatsuki has.

"Siblings," Nagato repeats again.

"Wow, I guess I stumbled upon your favorite word!"

"Um, Nine Tails–"

"Kurama."

"What?"

"That's my name. Kurama. My siblings have them too. Chomei, Kōkuo, Matatabi, Son Goku, Shukaku, Isobu–"

The tailed beasts have names?

Before Konan can digest this information, Uchiha Sasuke jerks up abruptly from where he previously sat chugging water and glares at her. His eyes, she realizes seconds too late, have the same Mangekyou pattern as Itachi did.