I Was Hoping For A Quiet Life, But You Gave Me So Much More

Her Smile

Christmas season brings with it a vast array of joyful music, and bright glowing color. Nights so cold you laugh, stumbling into your house pulling off six jackets just to sit by the fire with family watching cringey hallmark movies that all have the same plot line, but no one seems to care. Everyones drinking warm hot chocolate covered in whip cream and a beautiful sprinkle of cinnamon. The snow colors the world in a layer of white that shines bright, blinding drivers. The ice on the road makes it dangerous to walk on alone. Stress levels and anxiety skyrocket as purposely distant relatives suddenly appear carrying presents filled with insincere generosity. Fighting breaks out over families forced together. Children cry when they wake up to find nothing under the tree but false hope that this year would be different. And sometimes mothers die.

Liam and Isaac's mom didn't die on Christmas, but it was the day after. It wasn't a surprise when it happened. Not to her or their dad anyway. They knew it was nearing the end. They'd tried everything they could, but it wasn't working, and waiting for someone to find a cure was only making her suffer more. Liam wasn't told until he was older that it was breast cancer. He remembered moments from the last time he saw her. Little instances, small smiles that he hadn't realized at the time were teary eyed, hiding pain. Isaac had been older, he remembered it more vividly than you would have liked.

It was late when they told them they could go into the room. There were at least three doctors, a nurse or two, and their father, sitting on the bed, holding her hand. She looked tired, weak, and frail, but she still wore a smile on her face. Isaac had broken into sobs a few years ago. Liam had come running up to him after school, holding a card he'd made for Isaac's birthday in art class, they were supposed to be for valentines day, but the date coincided. Liam had the widest smile on his face that Isaac had ever seen. His mind started to flash back, to little snippets and memories. Liam had their mother smile. Isaac never told him. It always hurts too much.

She seemed far too calm in that moment, and it made Isaac want to scream. He wanted to yell, to scream at whatever fucking god decided that their mother needed to die. But he couldn't. He couldn't because Liam didn't know. Isaac wasn't supposed to know either, but he found out on his own. He had been standing outside the room when they found out. He had to google the word "terminal." Liam had been left blissfully ignorant. He knew she was sick, but his mind just choked it up to a cold. That eventually she'd feel better, and they could go home. That she'd be there on Isaac's birthday. That she'd be there to take them to their favorite beach in the summer. To run threw the shallow water.

"Hi babies, come here," She said quietly, holding out her arms for them to climb next to her.

"Hi mommy! I made you this!" Liam held out a little paper flower he'd made in school.

"Oh sweetheart it's beautiful," she smiled softly at Liam and ran her fingers through his short hair, rubbing her thumb over his cheek.

"Just like you are mommy!" Isaac watched as something shifted in her face. Suddenly tears pricked at her eyes. Isaac moved closer to her and wrapped his arms around hers, resting his forehead on her shoulder. Tears flowed steadily from his eyes.

One of the nurses sniffled and left the room.

"Mommy, why are you and Izzy crying? Is the flower bad?" Liam asked, he used his small hand and rested it on her cheek.

"Oh no, no baby, it's beautiful. I just-mommy has to go away for a little while, okay?" She held his face with one hand. The other arm came to wrap around Isaac's shoulders, pulling him into a hug.

"Like on a trip? Where are you going?" Liam tilted his head like a confused puppy.

Their mom smiled, "Somewhere beautiful baby."