I Hate U, I Love U

1. Messages

I ended up going to my bestfriends apartment unannounced. Wala naman kasi ako ibang mapupuntahan and my house will be my last option kung gusto ko talaga iwasan si Kit tonight. I don't think I can face him right now sa lahat ng narinig ko, sakit kaya nun. For sure he'll be there, ginawa nya na kasi talagang tambayan ang bahay ko daig nya pa ang boarder. Baka nga mauna pa sya sa akin doon e, he has the key to my house... katangahan 101, sigh. 

Mamimiss ko ang kama ko tonight... sighed for the nth time.

I knocked at his door and then I heard footsteps. Yes! He is home. When he opened the door, I flashed my sweetest smile, not the 'cutesy smile', then I showed him the takeout I brought for our dinner.

"Jonathan! I missed you!!!" Full of energy na bati ko.

Tinaasan nya ako ng kilay at sabay tingin sa relo nya sa braso "Past 7pm na that means Jonathan is already sleeping. In front of you is non other than..." seryoso nyang sabi then "JONA!!!" we laugh at his antics. Ay oo nga pala nag iibang anyo nga pala itong kaibigan ko pagpatak ng gabi. "Pasok ka baklaaaaaaa! namiss din kita ng sobra. Grabe ang hectic ng schedule nating dalawa at hindi na tayo magkita kita, booking dito booking doon! Char! Hirap mag adulting, makakapag paalipin ka sa salapi sa ayaw mo at sa gusto!" dirediretso nyang usal habang tawang tawa lang naman ako sakanya.

"Korek! Naku hirap na hirap nga ako pagsabayin ang work and study. Buti nalang talaga napaka supportive at considerate nung boss ko ngayun kasi sya pa talaga nag aadjust sa schedule ko sa school." sabi ko habang inaayos ang mga pagkain na dala ko. "God has His ways talaga, we just  have to have faith in Him."

"Ay bet ko yan! So trueeee. Saka pasasaan ba at makaka graduate kana din ng college. I know hindi ka pababayan ni Lord, sabi mo nga trust lang Sakanya." sabi ni Jonathan. 

Jonathan and I met in college, and he instantly became a part of my life, a family. Alam namin ang kwento ng bawat isa at madali kaming nagkapalagayan ng loob. I remember, nagkasama lang kami sa isang project and then we clicked. Ang laki ng naitulong nya sa akin sa lahat ng aspeto ng buhay ko maging sa mga school requirements, sya palagi ang sumasalo sakin at tumutulong sa mga missed lectures. Minsan nga malalaman ko nalang din na may instant assignment or project na ako ng hindi ko nalalaman.

Para nya akong nakababatang kapatid ituring, sabi nga nya I am the sister he never had. And since I'm an only child, I embraced the fact that I can have a brother in him, isang malambot na brother. Sobrang thankful ako kay Lord sa buhay ng kaibigan kong ito. May ipinadadala talaga Sya sa buhay natin who will help us and just be with us as an instant companion in our lives.

Sa ngayun ay graduate na sya, and conquering the corporate world, ako naman ay naiwan kasi nga hirap na hirap ako noon sa oras ko hanggang sa mapabayan ko studies ko kasi mas kinailangan ko kumita ng pera para naman mabuhay ako. 

"Baklaaa, favor please." I said in a pouty manner hugging him in his torso. Katatapos lang namin kumain at nagpapahinga na nga lang kami habang nanonood ng TV.

"Hoy babae ka! wag mo ako madaan daan dyan sa itsura mong yan ha. Naku naku feeling ko katanggi tanggi yan. Sorry hindi ako cannibal" sabi nya crossing his arms in his body. Umarte akong susuka.

"Hoy Jonathan kilabutan ka nga. Kasura to." sabi ko while acting that I was about to throw up. "Patulog ako dito ngayun. Thank you agad!" then I launch myself at him and kissed him good night. Agad akong tumayo sa kinauupuan ko habang natatawa sa reaction nyang hindi ko mawari at nagdiretso na sa hagdanan paakyat sa kwartong tinitigilan ko kapag andito ako sakanya. 

Pagpasok ko sa kwarto ay pakiwari ko ba ay nanghina agad ang katawan ko sa halo halong pagod, antok at maguluhang pag iisip kaya agad akong sumalampak sa gilid nang kama at pilit ipinapahinga ang utak ko sa bagay bagay bago ako maglinis ng katawan para tuluyan ng makapag pahinga.

After some time, I heard a knock on the door. Na realized ko biglang ang tagal ko na pala nakatulala sa kisame. Tumayo ako para buksan ng pinto si Jonathan. May dala syang gatas. "You wanna talk?" Tumitig lang ako sakanya, unable to utter any words. "Here, drink this para mas makatulog ka. Basta nasa kabilang kwarto lang ako ha if you need anything. O kaya message o call mo lang ako at puntahan kita dito. Goodnight, loves." then he kissed me goodnight and handed me the glass of milk that he prepared at sya na din mismo ang nag sara ng pinto.

I decided to open my mobile para I message si Jonathan and say my thanks to him. But I was bombarded with notifications one after another, all from Kit. It was mixed of calls and messages from him. I sent Jonathan a message first before I checked the messages he had sent me.

From🚩KIT🚩: Sinong kaibigan? 

From🚩KIT🚩: I mean, do I know her? HIM?

From🚩KIT🚩: Where are you two going? 

From🚩KIT🚩: KAREN.

From🚩KIT🚩: Fuck, why are you turning off your device?  

From🚩KIT🚩: Call me once you get my messages.

From🚩KIT🚩:  At least send something for me to know you are safe.

From🚩KIT🚩: Karen

From🚩KIT🚩: Please,  send me a message once you get this. I just want to know you're safe wherever you are.

From🚩KIT🚩: Message me if you want me to pick you up after. Sobrang late na kung mag commute ka.

From🚩KIT🚩: MESSAGE. ME. 

Gusto kong sumigaw sa frustration na nararamdaman ko ngayun. All these messages for what? What does he want? What is he implying? I don't want to assume things again because he made it very clear this afternoon what I am to him. He doesn't even want me near him, not even, like an adoring fan, he despises my existence. Then why is he acting up like this?  For a starter, he is not my father to act all worried like that. Not also a friend like Jonathan who would go to great heights to make sure I am well. All I know is that we hang out together, and accompany each other as a friend. At least for me, that's what I thought, that we are friends, to say the least. But clearly, we have a different viewpoints and I don't want to dwell on it now. Ayoko muna syang isipin.

I decided to ignore his messages and turned off my device again. Itutulog ko nalang muna ito at may maaga pa rin akong klase bukas, I need to recharged and get ready to catch up on the things that matters more. Kailangan ko I save ang energy ng utak ko para bukas. 

Lord, thank you po for today and for keeping me sane. Kayo na po ang bahala sa akin. Help me get through this...