I Hate U, I Love U

4. Last

I woke up feeling a little cold, I immediately reached for the blanket, half asleep, half awake, at iniyapos ito sa aking katawan sa pag asang maiibsan ang lamig na nararamdaman. And lambot, pang hotel feels. I said to myself as I was savoring the feeling and trying to go back to sleep...

Waves? Wind chimes? 'Rustling of leaves? Fresh air? Kelan pa nagka meron ng ganitong effect sa kwarto ko?

Nakipaglaban ang mata ko sa liwanag, squinting it the best it could. And before I was able to open my eyes fully ay narinig ko naman agad ang boses ni Kit.

"Magandang umaga, mahal na prinsesa." nagising ang buong diwa ko at agad akong napaupo sa aking komportableng pagkakahiga. He was comfortably seated in a hammock hanging in the veranda. Right, dinala ako ni Kit sa resort nya dito sa Batangas.

Daig ko pa ang lumaklak ng kape sa pag gising na ginawa nya. Ano ba, si Kit lang naman yan na binati ka ng magandang umaga with his morning raspy voice, na ngayun ay lumalakad papalapit sayo with his freshly showered hair, wearing his white short sleeve linen shirt paired with brown shorts. Get a hold of yourself, Karen.

"I know I look good, pero hindi ka nyan mabubusog. Come on, let's have breakfast. Kanina pa akong nagugutom, ang tagal mo magising." he said with a hint of humor in his voice. "I'll wait for you outside." 

"Sandale!" sigaw ko bago sya makalabas ng kwarto. He looked back lazily. Shucks, ang yummy, busog na ako, ikaw nalang mag breakfast. Matulog nalang muli ako. 

Sinilip ko muna ang sarili ko sa ilalim ng comforter bago ako nag salita. "Sinong nag palit ng damit sakin?" naku Kit, kahit gaano kita kagusto, kapag nalaman kong ikaw gumawa nito, mapapatay talaga kita. Naku. Ibang usapan na ito ha. 

Lumakad sya pabalik sa kama and he leaned at me enough to whisper on my ear... "I'll leave that for your imagination until later. Now, please hurry bago ikaw ang kainin ko." 

Nanlalaki ang mata kong binato sya ng nahagip kong unan. "KIT MARTIN!"

"What?  Don't tell me may kung anong maberde kang nasa utak. Karen, ang aga aga ha." maang maangan nya at habang tumatawa. Pang asar talaga.

"I told you gutom na ako, It's already past 9am at hinihintay lang kita para sabay na tayo kumain... I mean mag breakfast." pahabol pa nya while acting as if surrendering. "I'll wait for you outside." at lumabas na nga sya ng tuluyan.

I looked around, napaka cozy ng paligid. Everything screams peace, rest and just lying down all day. Ang aliwalas sa pakiramdam.

Bumaba ako ng kama at tinungo ang veranda, I was welcomed by the cold, fresh air, it is kind of windy today, hindi din masyado sumusilip ang haring araw, napa yapos ako sa aking katawan, I am just wearing a cotton short along with a sleeveless top, lalamigin ka talaga nyan, Karen.

I am still enjoying the ocean view and the rustling of the leaves every time the cold air blew, nang maulinigan ko ang pagkatok sa pintuan. Natauhan ako, oo nga pala, may gutom na tigre ang naghihitay sa akin sa labas. Agad naman akong nag tungo sa C.R. ng kwarto at madaliang nag ayos ng aking sarili. Paglabas ko ay may nakita akong isang oversized botton down shirt sa may dulo ng kama, agad ko itong kinuha at syang ipinatong sa aking katawan at dali dali ng lumabas ng kwarto. 

Kit was about to knock again when I opened the door, he looked murderous. Magbiro kana sa lasing at bagong gising, wag lang sa gwapong gutom. I flashed him my sweetest smile, baka makatulong sa nagbabadyang galit ng gutom na tigre.

"Hi, come on, let's have breakfast, nakaka gutom naman talaga ang matulog ng mahaba no." hinila ko na sya ng walang sabi sabi bago pa sya maka angal at makapag reklamo na naman.

Dinala nya ako sa isang gazebo sa may beach front kung saan may mga naka handa ng pagkain, grabe kung jowa ko lang itong si Kit mayayapos ko talaga ito ng todo todo, ang romantic lang ng feels.

"Thank you, ate Joy. We'll just call you kapag may kailangan kami." sabi nya, I was enjoying the view at hindi ko napansin na may lumapit na pala sa amin, napatingin naman ako sa kinausap nya at nag pasalamat nalang din. "Oh by the way, to answer your question a while ago, si ate Joy ang nagbihis sayo kanina pagdating natin dito. Happy now?" 

I said my thanks to ate Joy, again before she left at saka sya binalingan... "Relief is the right word."

"Relief that I was not the one who did it and I didn't see you in your underwear, which by the way I had the time to pack in your bag," he said reminding me of that embarrassing moment. I made a face, gusto nya talaga sirain ang napaka gandang umaga ko.

"Relief, because this..." gesturing to my body. "...is for my future husband's eyes and hands only and no other man can see and touch this..." gesturing again to my body. "...but him. Entiendes?

 "We'll get there," he mumbles, enough for me to hear him.

"What? Saan mo na naman ako dadalhin?" I asked, confused at what he said. San na naman kami pupunta? 

"Nothing, kumain ka na. Lalamig na yung pagkain. Here..." he said dismissing the topic.

Pinanood ko syang kumilos habang nilalagyan ng pagkain ang plato ko. He does this every time. I don't know if he's just used to doing this to others but this is one of the many things that make me fall for him. When I told him before that he doesn't have to do this and that I can manage, he just said... 'so, I can do it also for you, just eat'. I shrugged, natahimik nalang ako at hinayaan syang gawin ang hilig nya.

That's why you cannot blame me for feeling the way I am feeling toward him, his actions, words, and everything he is towards me... kapag magkasama kami screams something. And I dwell on that 'something' by myself.

Wala man akong karanasan sa parteng ito ng buhay, but I am old enough to know that what he is doing is not normal for a friend. Kaya nga litong lito ako sa mga asal nya kapag magkasama kaming dalawa at kapag kasama namin ang ibang tao. Also, all the things that he said to his friends that one fateful afternoon. Kahit kalimutan ko sya, hindi sya mawala sa isipan ko. 

Siguro nga it is right for me to guard my heart from now on, to put a wall around it. Hindi nga lang sa puso, dapat pati utak ko palibutan ko na din ng matibay na konkretong pader lalo na kapag naghilom na talaga ako mula sa sugat na ibinigay nya sa akin. Sa bilis ko kasing nahulog sakanya thinking that he will catch me, ay sumemplang ako ng todo todo...

"Earth to Karen, hello." he snap a finger in front of my face. "Are you okay? kanina kapang tulala." dinama nya ang aking leeg, "Hindi ka naman mainit, masama ba pakiramdam mo?"

"I'm fine, nakaka refreshed lang talaga yung paligid. So cozy and fresh. Ang sarap lang namnamin." pagdadahilan ko. Umakto pa akong lumalanghap ng hangin.

"We can always come back here anytime you want. Just tell me. I am always available whenever you want. And I'll drop whatever, to bring you here." he said casually.

I am amazed how he can act this way and another the next day. "No need, this will be the last."

"What? Why?" confusion was written all over his face.

"I mean, ayoko namang abalahin ka pa no. Magpapahinga nalang ako sa kwarto ko, sapat na yun. There is some cozy vibe din naman dun." I smiled. "Kain na tayo. Ang sarap nito ha." 

Pilit ko nalang iniba ang usapan namin sa pagtatanong sakanya about sa resort na ito para naman hindi maging awkward ang paligid. Sayang naman kung mai-spoil ko yung moment and the place and with him.

Promise, last na 'to. I'll just savor this last two days with him in this paradise at pagbalik namin sa syudad ay balik na ako sa katotohanang wala'ng magiging kami and what we only have is a fan-star relationship. Hanggang dun lang. Sa oras na makatapak kami sa syudad, ay itatayo ko na ang konkretong pader na ginawa ko para sa utak at puso ko and the limitations I need to put.

But for now, I'll give these last two days for myself.