Certainty in the Uncertain

Chapter 4

Since that day when Rain missed his deadline, Phayu had tried to be careful with his words. Gone was what he thought to be a cute nickname, "stupid boy" to be replaced with the intended meaning "cute boy." Phayu had only ever used it to tease Rain, never to hurt him. Looking back, he could see how, over time, using the word "stupid" to address Rain may have hurt him. Especially since other people often called Rain stupid. Rain typically whined when he used it, "P'Phayu stop calling me stupid." Phayu had just thought it was part of their banter and never took Rain's complaints seriously. He wished that he had.

He really wasn't sure what else he should or shouldn't be doing. So, he did the best he could, adding affirmations as often as possible. "Good boy." "Smart boy." He told Rain constantly how much he loved him, maybe too much? He had sensed that Rain was starting to get annoyed by his vocal smothering. "Phi, enough. I get it" was a recent response. Despite Rain saying that, Phayu wasn't convinced Rain did, in fact, get it.

He was desperate to talk to someone, unload his worries, and seek advice. Prapai would be a good person to talk with but he didn't want Prapai to have to keep secrets from Sky unless necessary. If Sky knew about their problems, he would probably intervene. He'd want to talk to Rain and Phayu wasn't confident Rain wanted to talk to Sky about this. Phayu also didn't particularly want the dressing-down Sky was sure to give him if he knew Phayu had been making Rain this insecure.

So, he'd been waiting for Saifah to get home from his trip to visit their parents. He'd been gone for three long weeks but was due to arrive this afternoon. Worried he'd accost his brother the moment he walked into their house, he decided to wait at the shop and talk to him once he got there. Saifah knew something was wrong, as Phayu had texted him daily asking when he'd be getting back. His constant texting, which was not typical, had prompted Saifah to call him a few days ago.

Okay, brother, what's going on?

Nothing, what do you mean?

You know what I mean. You never text me when I come to see Ma and Pa, so why now? I know something is wrong. Is it the shop? Did something happen? Do I need to come home?

No, no. The shop is fine. You don't need to come home early. I just wanted to know when you'd be back and you never have an answer, so I just keep checking. But it's no big deal. I'm just curious, that's all.

Phayu. Out with it.

Fine. I just need your advice about something and I don't want to do it over the phone. I just really want you to be back. But that doesn't mean you should come back early. Don't come back early. I can wait.

Hmmmm, so it's about Rain then? Is that it? Are you guys okay? Do I need to worry?

No, no, we are okay. I mean, kind of. No, we are. We are fine. I just need someone to talk to about something. That's all.

Okay, well you don't sound overly convincing that you are okay. I'll come home this Saturday and we can talk then. I'll text when I'm on the road.

Saturday had come and Phayu tried to focus on the bike in front of him, but was distracted, watching the clock instead. He dropped his tools to the ground when he heard a faint "Good to see you P'Aon. Do you know where Phayu is?" Standing up, Phayu saw Saifah round the corner.

"Hey Saifah, did you just get back?" Phayu asked, trying to sound casual.

"Alright Phi, cut the crap. It's not like you actually missed me," Saifah responded, chuckling. "Where are we gonna have this talk? Upstairs or at home?"

"Fine, you're right. Ummmm, can we have it upstairs? I'm supposed to meet Rain after work and don't want him overhearing us."

"Yeah, yeah, c'mon," Saifah said, moving to the stairs with Phayu following him.

Closing the door behind them, Phayu and Saifah settled onto the sofa facing one another.

After several moments of silence, Saifah started, "Sooooo, you finally have me here. You've been waiting all this time and, nothing? Nothing you want to say?"

"Don't be so mean, Saifah, seriously, this is hard."

Saifah patted his shoulder, "Fine, I'll play nice. So, now, tell me. What's up with you and Rain?"

"So, right after you left Rain and I sorta had a, well, I don't really know what to call it. Rain had been working really hard on a project and I hadn't seen much of him. Turns out, he missed the deadline, slept through his alarms, or, no, his phone was in his bag and he didn't hear them. When I got home, he was here, and he wasn't in a good way. He started crying and talking about how he always lets me down. How he's a disappointment to me. About how stupid he is."

After taking a moment to breathe, looking up at the ceiling to try and stop tears from falling, Phayu continued. "It took me a while to calm him down and I figure this must somehow be my fault. I've been trying to figure out how. Like, what I've done to make him feel this way. So, I've been just telling him I love him all the time and that I'm proud of him because that's the only thing I can figure out right now. But, it's been a little awkward between us since then and I know I'm overdoing it with the 'I love you's'. I can feel him getting annoyed with me. I've thought about the internet but I can't figure out what I'm even supposed to search for and I don't want more bad advice. So, I guess, I'm hoping you have some?"

"Okay, so..." Saifah started only to be quickly interrupted.

"Oh! And I stopped calling him 'stupid boy'!"

"Well, you should've stopped doing that a long time ago. Or, if I'm being honest, you never should have called him that," Saifah responded. "It's not the nicest thing to be calling someone you love." Seeing Phayu's smirk, Saifah continued, "Unless it's us. Fine, we can still call each other stupid. But, you shouldn't be saying it to Rain."

"Well, why didn't you tell me that before? I was just flirting, teasing."

"Not everyone interprets your teasing as you mean it. Obviously, Rain didn't just take it as teasing."

With his head in his hands, Phayu groaned, "Fine, but what now?"

"How about talking to me?" Phayu whipped his head around at the voice, seeing Rain in the doorway, arms crossed.

Notes:

Next chapter? Rain's suggestions.