Certainty in the Uncertain

Chapter 1

Rain sat flipping through his notebook trying to cram as much information into his brain before the exam they all had after lunch. His food sat before him mostly uneaten as he chewed on the end of his pencil instead. He knew in the periphery of his mind that the others were chatting about something, but he could only focus on one thing and chose his notes over the conversation.

He reached out blindly to grab his drink but his hand simply met with air. He looked to where his drink should be and found nothing. Hearing a sucking noise next to him, he looked to see Sky finishing off his drink while chatting with the others.

"Hey Sky! That's mine!" Rain yelled out nudging Sky with his elbow. Sky looked at him and shrugged.

"What? Huh? You weren't drinking it. You only just noticed and I've already finished the whole thing. You are lucky no one ate your food too," Sky replied tilting his head towards Rain's full plate.

Rain grabbed the empty cup out of Sky's hand and hit him in the head with it.

"I'm studying! Argh. Don't take my stuff," he grumbled at Sky.

"You should relax Rain, we studied all night last night. Why are you cramming at the last minute?" Sig asked.

"I want to make P'Phayu proud," Rain mumbled, barely noticeable to the group, however, Sky heard him.

"He is proud. Relax, ok?" Sky said, leaning over towards Rain's ear so only he could hear.

Rain knew that Sky was right but he could never quite shake the fear of disappointing Phayu. He lived in constant fear that he would slip up horribly somehow and be the reason Phayu finally left. Finally decided he could do better.

Rain's heart knew that Phayu wouldn't do that. He wouldn't leave him if he did poorly on a test, if he forgot to text when he was supposed to, or if he forgot to call before heading over to Sky's to study at the end of a school day. His heart believed that Phayu loved him. Loved him more than anything else. Loved him and only wanted him to try his best, not necessarily do the best.

But Rain's mind didn't always match the confidence of his heart. His heart said that he was loved and accepted for who he is, while his mind often said that he was a fraud and Phayu was just biding his time until something better came along. Especially around exam time, Rain's brain was a constant whirl of doubts. He had given up trying to be top of his class, knowing this was not a reasonable goal for him. His slip up during his first year left him climbing out of a mess that had left a deep crack in his grades. But, ever since then he has tried his best on every assignment, every exam.

His head feared the day he would fail another exam or miss another deadline and he'd have to confess the mistake to Phayu. He believed in his heart that Phayu would be understanding and love him anyway. But, his mind constantly brought back the memory of being sent away and told not to return after his first missed deadline. While he knew that Phayu had been helping him become more responsible and independent back then, he couldn't stop his brain from imagining the same thing happening again.

Rain smiled at Sky and nodded, not sharing his worries with his friend. How could he tell anyone about his fears? He had briefly mentioned it to Sky shortly after Rain had told his friends he was dating Phayu. The public knowledge of their relationship, while exciting, made his fear grow. So, he told Sky he was worried that Phayu would be upset with him when he was struggling to master a specific skill despite Phayu working with him on it for several days. Sky had told him he was being ridiculous and that Phayu loved him. Told him Phayu's infatuation with Rain was obvious to everyone just by seeing the way Phayu looked at Rain.

So, Rain kept his thoughts to himself. Because who would believe him anyway?

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Phayu hung up his jacket and smiled over at Rain who was taking off his shirt and replacing it with one of Phayu's t-shirts. He watched Rain head to the bathroom, knowing he would find him brushing his teeth when he got there. He wrapped his arms around Rain's waist and set his chin on Rain's shoulder, watching him brush. Rain smiled in response.

Phayu placed a kiss on Rain's neck and asked, "How was your exam today?"

After spitting in the sink and rinsing his mouth, Rain replied, "I think it went okay. There was only one question that was pretty difficult and I wasn't sure how to answer."

Phayu turned Rain around and kissed his wet mouth. He smiled at Rain and rubbed his nose back and forth on Rain's.

"I am sure you did great. You always do." He pulled Rain in for a hug, knowing that Rain got insecure when he had exams or projects due. "I'm always so proud of my baby. You always try your best and never let me down."

"Thank you P'Phayu."

Phayu dragged Rain by the hand to bed and pulled back the covers. He tucked Rain into bed with a kiss to his forehead.

"I'll join you after my shower and show you how much I missed you today," Phayu said softly into Rain's ear, leaving a sweet kiss on the skin behind Rain's ear.

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Rain knew that Phayu sensed his nerves and was trying to reassure him. But sometimes, the words Phayu used only caused him more distress. He lay in bed replaying Phayu's words.

"I'm sure you did great."
"You always do."
"Never let me down."

What if he didn't do great? He usually does but Rain knew a day would come when he wouldn't.

Since that early missed assignment, Rain had worked hard to not let Phayu down again. And he hadn't. But what would Phayu say if he did? When he would inevitably not be able to produce his best and did let Phayu down.

It was exhausting to not only work his hardest on all school work but also keep his promises to Phayu. Calling when he was supposed to, texting updates, remembering dates, not forgetting when Phayu would pick him up from school or if he would head home on his own, remembering to tell Phayu if he was going to Sky's. The list of things he had to successfully navigate to keep Phayu proud was endless and exhausting. Rain sometimes felt his brain would just dig its heels in and stop functioning from bone-wearying fatigue.

He knew if he told Phayu his worries that Phayu would listen. He always listened to Rain. Stopped whatever he was doing and gave Rain's concerns his full attention. But, Rain also knew his concerns about this would be met with soft hugs, sweet kisses, and words of love and reassurance which were lovely but not what he needed. He needed someone to acknowledge that he would fail again. That a day would come when he would disappoint people. He told himself that everyone does. Everyone disappoints people, it's part of life.

The problem was that he was dating the "God" of his faculty, something people never stopped reminding him of, including Phayu. How could you accept your own potential for failure when you were in love with someone people saw as perfect and incapable of the same level of failure? Their relationship was not equitable with only one partner capable of failing to live up to their partner's expectations. And it was sometimes hard to accept that it was him.

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End Note: 

So, I seem incapable of writing a happy Rain. Guess I'm gonna feel sad while writing again.

My inspiration is the song "could you love me while I hate myself" by Zeph. Made me think of our sweet boys.