𝐓𝐫𝗼𝐮𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐖𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬

𓆝.° ｡˚. CHAPTER 10 .° ｡˚𓆛*.｡.

Trigger Warning: depression and suicide attempt (there's a lot of depressing shit in this. i used to have depression and this was my though process almost every night so if you relate too much to this then please skip at the warnings. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable)

I haven't left my Marui in 3 days. I don't eat. And I don't think I'll ever sleep again. Every time I break my link, I'm back in that body, covered in my loved ones' blood. Georgie's blood dried underneath my fingernails. 

The sad thing is that no one has checked on me. No one wants to see the alien pod containing a murderer. 

I'm numb. Out of touch. Missing. 

Sometimes I'll hear Marali outside of my Marui, wondering where I've been. I don't even go out to see her. 

I can hear the other's outside. They don't notice or care about my absence. Laughing, playing, talking... loving. I've heard Lo'ak and Tsireya meeting up in the dead of night by the roots of the tree, giggling and kissing in the water. And don't you dare call me a pervert. They're outside my home and they're fucking loud. 

It's interesting though. I've heard Tsireya trying to convince him to mate with her. Not sexually, they do that frequently. I'm talking about connecting queues.

 They're perfect for each other. He loves hard and she loves a lot. He requires patience, she's patient. He craves being understood, she understands. He wants to be seen, she sees everything in technicolor. He wants to be heard, her ears are always open. He loves Tsireya, she loves him. Little does he know that she is me. 

During their meetups, I hear their conversations. Again, I'm not a stalker, their just fucking loud. 

He talks about his father's expectations. He talks about not being able to live up to his brother. He wants someone to love him. He loves Tsireya. He talks about playing with Tuk. He talks about riding Atan'eko. He loves Tsireya. He tells her about the forest. He loves Tsireya. He gives her his all. He loves Tsireya. He loves Tsireya. He loves... Tsireya. 

Of course he loves her. She's perfect. Meanwhile, I'm everything he hates. He's openly expressed how much he hates me. That's all I am to him. Ki'ong. The evil version of myself that lives deep inside of me. Ki'ong. 

~Depression Spiral Starting~

No one wants me here. Just my being here is a danger to this peaceful community that my presence is disrupting. Fuck, these few days of solitude has proved to me that they wouldn't notice if I wasn't here anymore. They haven't noticed that I'm not here anymore. I'm basically already dead. 

Dead. That's a dark thought. I don't want to die, necessarily, but I'm already dead. Georgie. Dead. My friends. Dead. My contact with Norm and Max. Dead. Everything I loved and currently love is either dead or seems me as dead. Why not just make it final? Why not just end it all and save these people the pain of their family inevitably dying. Just like mine. 

Spider. What would Spider think? Would he think I'm a coward? Would he hate me? Would he be sad? Probably not. He was never around much anyway. He probably doesn't even love me. In his eyes he probably sees me as an overrated version of himself. Or a sad puppy dog, hanging on to his every action. I just have attachment issues. He was my only contact to the outside so it would make sense that I idolized him and mistook it for love. It makes so much sense. 

I stand up and grab a lone extension cord. No one will notice. Hell, the pod won't need it once the body dies anyway. I peek my head out of my Marui to see if anyone's around. It's way after eclipse so I highly doubt anyway will be out. 

Softly, I exit and make my way to the edge of the walkway. I slowly lower myself into the water, extension cord in hand, and swim to the nearest reef.  There is a large collection of hard coral. Perfect. I tie the end of the cord around a protruding piece of coral and tie the other around my ankle. I tie it to the point where my blue skin turns dark purple. I cut off circulation.