The Spanish Spotlight (LSD, #4)

10. Billion Dollar Babies

Billion Dollar Babies

When you're a man, and the toothless fairy allows you three wishes, it's easy: you want to play darts against Phil Taylor (16 times champion of the world, most successful sportsman ever, and in the top 10 of friendliest people I've met), you want to have the best night out in the universe: invite Whoopi Goldberg for an Australian seven-course dinner (a six-pack of beer and a frozen pizza; every man loves pizza and beer, and everybody loves Whoopi), and male's most wanted wish is to score the winning goal in the Champions League final. Men have simple desires. I've already completed two out of three.

Women have a similar list: they want to go shopping with Beyoncé, they want dinner and dance with Antonio Banderas, and their number one desire is to wear the most expensive dress at the closing ceremony of the Spanish Fashion Week. Shopping with Beyoncé was beyond budget; Antonio Banderas is our next stop; that leaves Chelsea on the catwalk during the Champions League Final of super-modelling.

"Morituri te salutant. Those about to rock salute you. Are you prepared for this, Chelsea? This is not going to be a walk in the park, you know."

"Oh, Arse, don't be so dramatic. I take twenty steps forward, turn around, and walk back again. The audience is all High Society ladies; they won't eat me."

"I wasn't thinking about the audience. The most dangerous predator in the world is not the lion. The lion sleeps tonight and most of the day. The lethal hunting is work for His Manesty's wives, the lionesses. They are swift, ruthless, lethal, and mean like no other. A male lion strikes to kill: quick and clean. The lioness isn't so merciful; she prefers to play with her prey. She lets the poor rabbit suffer to see how much it can handle. A pride, which is the name for a family of lions, is even nicer to watch: the lionesses fight each other constantly to be the number one. Why do you think they call it a «catwalk»? The top models who walk it are the Lion Queens of the Jungle of human society. Don't make the mistake of thinking they'll welcome a young kitten like you without a fight. They've worked too hard to get there: each one of them started living on a water-and-lettuce diet from the day she was born, she has Botoxed herself since her first day at High School, and she has invested more millions in operations than the LSD, the CIA and the KGB together. How will she feel when you enter to take the place of honour and the most expensive dress? The moment you open the door of that dressing room, you're dead meat."

Chelsea isn't afraid. She shows me her biceps: "Do you see this? It's all muscle, baby. When I eat seven skinny models like them for breakfast, I'll be hungry again before lunchtime."

"You're not fighting Hulk Hogan. We're talking about women here. They fight mean, with words. They hit you under the chastity belt with ladyshave-sharp remarks, as often and as hard as they can. How are you going to handle that? This time, you can't get away with calling your daddy. This time, you're on your own. You're one against a crowd. There ain't no time for doubt. It won't help if you shout. You have to work it out."

Chelsea understands the problem. She's smart: "I guess you're right. I mean... You're my friend now, aren't you? I'm not completely on my own. You're around to cover my back, don't you? I trust you to have a plan for this. What do you suggest?"

Wow. I'm impressed. Is this the same girl I met this morning? She used to shout orders to me, her slave, and now she's asking me for advice? I always thought people don't change; I like it I was wrong.

"The best defence against words is: don't respond. Don't say a word. Just smile. It's just air. Let it blow. Wind can't hurt you. You are Chelsea. You are high above those top models. Your emerald green eyes are your major quality in beauty, but your precious smile is also a powerful weapon. Under every circumstance: maintain your unbreakable curved line of defence. Smile with style. Don't attack. When you attack, they will join forces and outnumber you. Defend yourself with your natural superiority. Take the blows, one by one. When their hate doesn't have any effect on you, they'll give up soon enough."