The Art Of Being

My reality

There has been a drastic change in my life. I used to be a young girl in mind, with my mouth and mind sewed shut, preventing me from thinking and talking freely and openly. To a girl with no opinion, and multiple opinions on everything, to a girl that cut her own mind open in order to freely express herself. I still don't know how this change came about, and why, and I still don't know if this change is good. It almost feels like an omniscient force set my soul on fire and left the young girl I was in ashes as my new self emerged within the ashes. I was born with confidence, individuality, knowledge, assertiveness and creativity; yet I don't feel completely satisfied with myself. There are aspects which have changed that I am glad they did. I got the strength to get a job that deals with people everyday, I got the strength to end self-harming once and for all, I got the strength to make friends and talk to new people, I got the strength to experiment with new things that have led to a greater knowledge about myself, and I got the strength to experience love. And yet, I haven't met my full potential. I believe I am hiding behind this aura of self-control and confidence, but underneath I am still the same girl who prefers books and movies and studying the human mind alone. I find myself at parties or social events wondering far beyond the situation and I catch myself feeling sad because parties are not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I catch myself turning into a different person with a different charisma when someone speaks to me. My responses are almost automatic, monotone, and fake. I am trying to please other and although I thought that is what would make me happy, it's making me miserable. I speak so much yet I don't say anything at all. I have driven myself into this materialistic world that I am now part of, and not proud of. I buy new clothes, I wear make up and I use my phone to avoid unwanted situations. I find myself at peace when I am alone, away from any kind of social disturbance that turns me into one of them; a robot. I don't want to conform, I don't want to fit in, I don't want to think appropriately. I want to have filthy thoughts and trip the fuck out of reality. I want to experience everything my life has to offer and I don't want to deal with the law or social judgement. I want to have sex, do drugs, study, help people, travel, eat exotic foods. I don't want to keep satisfying the world around me, I want to satisfy myself. I want to be euphoric at all times and make myself fly. I don't want to depend on money or on love or on friendships. I want to depend on myself, forever. But how the fuck do I get myself off this reality?