𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖉 𝕺𝖋 𝕸𝖎𝖓𝖊

when i still loved you

FAILURE 

i hate the fact that i think about you every second of the day and every second of the night when i'm lying in my bed awake with tears on my face.

i hate the fact that not even my favorite food tastes good anymore because you're not here.

i hate the fact that i'm too scared to call you because i'm afraid of you being annoyed by me more than anything else in the world.

i hate the fact that i open my snapchat every five minutes because there's a tiny bit of hope left that you might have snapped me back instead of leaving me on opened once again.

i hate the fact that i've become attached to you so quickly.

i hate the fact that i've fucked it all up because i had to be a bitch when you were being nothing but caring, affectionate, cute and the perfect man towards me.

i hate the fact that i'm craving your attention even when i know you're battling your own problems.

but most of all, i hate the fact that no matter what you did to my heart, i could never hate you because i love you.
and even though i never stopped going to sleep with your choker in my hand, smelling your perfume on it, i didn't understand just how much.

at this point, i wish i could just forget you for five minutes. just not think about you for five minutes. just be happy and content for five minutes.

but my anxiety is getting worse and worse, there's more and more cuts on my thighs and my head keeps replaying my mistakes. my head keeps replaying me bitching at you. my head keeps replaying me being a moody bastard. my head keeps replaying me saying things i didn't mean. my head keeps replaying me blaming my bad mood on you.

and worst of all, my head keeps replaying the feeling when i apologized and got left on read. keeps replaying the tremble of anxiety i get everytime i check my whatsapp messages and just see those damned blue hooks.

and i can't explain how much it hurts to look at pictures of you. to think back to the 14th of july, just two months ago, but it feels like two years.

why? where did i go wrong? how is it that i keep ruining the best things in my life so quickly? i barely even got to enjoy your presence.

no matter how much i drink, no matter how many more cuts there are, no matter how much more blood i taste as i keep chewing on my lip, no matter how many times i try to bury myself beneath my blanket, though all of it might make my body go numb, the pain in my mind stays sharp.

i wish i would just stop breathing and fall dead to the ground. wish i could see my own funeral and could be happy at the satisfaction of seeing you in my place.

but no matter how badly i want to imagine that, i know that i could never be happy about you being in pain. your pain is my pain.

and it seems senseless even thinking about this. cause you don't care after all... or do you?

SILENT TEARS 

talking to you feels like talking to a stone wall right now... you act emotionless, uninterested, you refuse to answer even the simplest question. actually, it's like you're not there at all. you've been ghosting me so much these past three months, it makes me so damn angry because i can't even apologize. i can't even say one sentence to you and be sure that you read and understood it. when i think about it, it feels like you're just tolerating me, don't want to actively break my heart, but wait for it to break on its own while you act like listening to me (and ignoring me afterwards) is just such a draining chore, a sacrifice you are making.

and that is kind of what feels the worst about it. if you would at least scream at me, call me names, tell me you don't love me. but no. "i don't want to lose them because i love them but i don't want them to get hurt", well just talk to me, goddamn it. how do you expect to know if your assumptions are right? you're hurting me by ignoring me. nothing you could tell me about your problems could ever possibly hurt me more than what you're doing to me right now.

it hurts so bad that i love you, and i know you love me, but you're just out of my reach. i can't contact you, i can't reach you.

it makes me feel so hopeless and anxious, dependent and angry at the same time.

but you don't know about my tears either, do you? the tears that my pillow silently catches every night as i cry until my head hurts. the only question i seem not to get out of my head is the big why. why don't you give me, give us a chance? why don't you let me tell you how i feel? and - why don't you let me help you? have i failed in making clear that i can and want to?

or do you really just not care? could you be cold enough to lie to my face telling me you love me?

that option would be the best... because it would allow me to hate you and have reason to. but like this, there is not a single bad feeling in my heart when i think of you. all i can find is unconditional love for you... and i can feel it slowly suffocating because i can't show it.

this is tearing me apart from the inside. have you ever heard of broken heart syndrome? if you don't want to lose me, you better act quick... or you will. and i'll be gone for good.

I'M HERE, YOU'RE NOT

i'm sitting where we sat. where we kissed each other goodbye. where i breathed in your scent. three months ago, but it feels like three years.
the only thing i can hear today is church bells ringing in the background as i listen to your old voice messages over and over again. as i listen to you talking, laughing, singing.
and i can't get over the fact that i'm the one who ruined it. i'm sick to my stomach and it's not because i haven't eaten in days.

i actually thought you'd show today. thought i would go to bed happy tonight, your scent in my nose.
happiness. a word that seems so unexplainable right now. is it happiness when your lips are on mine? is it happiness when people notice the hickeys on my neck? is it happiness when i see a text from you? is it happiness when i smell your cologne?
probably. but it's all so far away.

and what's stopping me from just falling onto these train tracks this second?

MIND GAMES 

the train ride home felt too long and too cold. it was painful and horrifying.
i felt like i had to try my hardest not to cry. i wanted to break out into tears, but the truth was, i knew i wouldn't be able to.
i was numb.
the wonderful feeling had faded away, i couldn't even imagine feeling euphoric anymore.
all i truly saw in front of my eyes was your face.

i wanted to feel your lips on mine so bad. my ears were ringing trying to imagine your voice saying the words you texted me. you called me yours. you called me darling.

so tell me, why, why does it feel like you don't even care? why do you ghost me for weeks if you miss my lips? why do you not text me back if i'm your cute girl?

what has happened?

i know i'm selfish if i'm thinking i deserve your attention. but it feels like you were just trying to use me after all.

it seems like you're playing mind games with me. pushing me around, giving me false hope like a cat lazily playing with its prey. it seems ironic that i used to laugh at my cat playing with his mouse puppet for hours, waiting for me to get distracted so i wouldn't move it before he attacked.

because it feels like that's what you're doing - waiting for me to trust you again and again so you can break my trust again and again.

i don't want to do this anymore.

i'm scattered.