Heartbeat Away from Death

Chapter 14

(A/N: Banner by littletonpace)

This was the fight she had been preparing for. Months of training, surviving, killing. It all came down to this first push.

And yet, for some reason, Grace could not stop thinking about her friend Zoe. For over half a year now she had barely given her much thought at all – not when there were so many other things to think about. Her family and her own survival being top of the list. But now, as she sat on her cot, the night before the mission, Zoe was all she could think about.

The last time Grace saw her, she was texting a boy in history class. Was she even still alive? Was she with her family? Was she fighting back too? She knew that she would probably never find out. And she was actually okay with it. She didn't want to know. She liked the idea of Zoe being out there with her family, killing skitters, helping win the war. And if she wasn't, well, it was beginning to feel less strange – how temporary people were.

That's why Grace had volunteered. She wanted it so nobody had to say goodbye too early, so nobody had to live in fear, so that her kids one day could live in a world where they didn't have to fight for their freedom, so they could one day remember the sacrifices that were made and be thankful that they could live in peace.

She paused. Kids. She hadn't even realised she'd made that presumption. She always wanted to be a mother, but now? After all of this? And with who? She wasn't exactly thinking about dating nowadays. But if she ever did, it would be a long long time before it happened. She couldn't do what Sarah did and bring a child into the world while all of this was happening. She couldn't imagine.

She barely noticed Hal in the room until he came to sit down beside her, his own war waging in his dark brown eyes.

"You sure about this, aren't you?" he asked her.

She nodded. "I'm sure. If I don't do this, I'll regret it. This is why I signed up to be a fighter."

"For revenge?"

She flashed Hal a quick look, surprised that revenge was the first reason that popped into his head, but then he wasn't wrong. "Revenge, justice, freedom. We need to show them we're not gonna take it lying down."

Hal signed, looking down at his muddy shoes. "Yeah. I get that. I do."

She watched her younger brother, who looked like he was ageing more with every day. Yes, they really were alike. Sometimes too alike. But that was something she couldn't change and wouldn't even if she could.

"You know, if you want to volunteer, I won't stop you," she said. "No one will. We're not kids anymore. We're fighters, and it's our job now. And if you don't? No one will judge you. The civilians need protecting too. There's plenty to do back here."

Hal took a long moment, thinking, biting the inside of his cheek. Then he asked her something she wasn't expecting.

"Back at that woman's apartment," he said. "Sonya. Do you think you would've killed her?"

She closed her eyes, that fluttering, jittery feeling rushing through her chest. "I don't know." She opened her eyelids, watching her brother, his expression hard to read. For once, she couldn't tell what he was thinking, what he was feeling – was it possible he felt as conflicted as she did? "I saw that little boy and I just thought, he could have been Ben. He could have been any one of us. I was angry. And scared. I've seen what people are capable of, what we can do to each other, out of fear, out of malice – I-I just don't know what's right anymore."

"I get it, Grace," said Hal, his eyes full of calm. Not judgement. "Remember what I told you that night Pope's gang grabbed you?"

She thought back, and remembered. She had been worried about humanity then too – the way men like Pope used and abused people, what his gang did to Maggie and what they were going to do with Karen and herself. She had lost faith then and supposed she had never got it back since. She remembered Hal's words, and smiled at the memory.