"You can take this one and that, but the rest I'm bringing back home with me."
I could hear the firmness in her voice and it made me panic. My hands were tied and I dreaded both of my options. Having two small cases of personal possessions felt degrading, but so was living with her.
I could tell my roommates pitied me but I didn't have the strength or security to even look at them. Honestly, at that point, none of them could've helped me. I had two choices and nothing they did could change that. I knew the treatment would be the same for me either way: I would be punished for being me. Maybe it was better not to lose a blood relative over it.
I considered both options as I grabbed everything I knew I would need regardless of where I was going. My flute, my pink clay mug, my little silver suitcase, a few pairs of my favorite shoes, and my most beloved articles of clothing got thrown into the pink suitcase. I grabbed a small stack of drawings, letters, and photos and tossed them into the little ottoman I was allowed to take with me. Everything else, my books, notes, and laptop, along with my jackets, boots, belts, and scarves, all my paints and pencils and pastels, my rugs, linens, and blankets, every shelf, pillow, sock, cup, fork, pot, and plant, was taken back to my mothers.
I could go with them. I could keep all my belongings and go back to the familiar. Or I could go to Louisiana, nearly empty handed, to melt this place away. Weighing them both out, I decided to take my chances on some thing new. Maybe with his assets, I would be able to do more good. Also, I couldn't go through another year of deadening cold. I'd rather be warm with some asshole than freezing with my ignorant, hostile mother.
It was truly impressive that she could be both. Completely oblivious to my pain despite causing it. She "unknowingly" acted in my worst interest, like she had an internal monitor that would alert her whenever I was doing too well so she could put an end to it.
For that reason, along with many others, I hated being around my mother. Even when I won, I lost.
So, it was decided then. I would be diving deep into the unknown with no money and few possessions. It was daunting, of course, but I was positive that some warm weather, live jazz, and good ol' southern comfort food would treat me better she did.
Maybe this wouldn't be so bad.
