𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭 𝐂𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐝 : 𝐂𝐆 𝐗 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑 𝐎𝐍𝐄-𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐓𝐒

𝐁𝐚𝐛𝐲 𝐈'𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐦

TW: mentions of suicidal thoughts

Athena's POV

"Athena! Hey, wanna come to a cafe with us? I know it's just the first day of the tour but we're bored" Kerri and Hayley stood in the doorframe of my hotel room. "Oh uh- thank you, I think I'm okay. I'm kinda tired" "oh, okay! don't worry, have a nice sleep" they smiled at me before closing the door.

In all honestly, I don't think I should be here. I'm not in the right mental state to be doing a 4 month's tour. I miss my friends but most of all I miss him. I didn't want to be a burden to him. I thought he liked me, and in the process of trying to gain his love, I pushed my friends away. I've been trying to call, but it seems like they don't care that I left.

I'm grateful for Conan and the fact that he wanted me out of all people to open for him. But I think I might just have to quit. I spent the bus ride silently crying, I'm not okay enough for this. But I have a good opportunity on my hands. And to throw it away would be stupid of me. I have to suck it up, I love music. This is what I want to do...

I spent the next 3 weeks opening for Conan's shows, acting all happy around the band. I don't know how much longer I can keep it all in. I usually have a good cry and that makes me last another day. But it's the small habits that I'm starting to pick up that are annoying too. The band wants to get closer to me, I know Conan does too. But I don't have the capacity to do that, I've lost everyone. And it's weird to just pick up new people like it's nothing. I don't deserve them.

"Athena, you okay?" Conan knocked on the outside of my bunk quietly. "Oh, hi yea I'm okay" I slid open the curtain, Conan's light smile on his face like always. "You hungry? we got take out" I'm not hungry, plus I shouldn't be eating anyways. I feel guilty afterward. "No thanks I- I already had something" "are you sure? You haven't come out of there all day" I nodded, "just in my feels" "wanna talk about it?" I shook my head. "I'm okay" he gave me a side smile, walking away before I closed the curtain once again.

I opened my laptop, unpausing the show I had been watching for the past week. I shouldn't be feeling like this, not when there are others suffering for others entertained on tv, for my entertainment. The internet's entertainment on the other hand...It doesn't feel real anymore. I've never felt more out of my body than right now. It's like my soul is floating a couple of inches away from me. But it's not enough, I need it back in my body.

I've always been the problem in these situations, no one has been texting me back. Not even him. I Need him back, he was the only thing that kept me together, he was my source of happiness. If it wasn't for me... If I was just a different person...how would it be? I need to change myself, change my appearance change my voice. Anything for him to love me again. What about all the things we planned to do? The house we were gonna buy? The kids we were gonna have? I don't understand, I thought I was stable... I thought he loved me.

Next thing I knew I was crying, quiet sobs being covered by my hands, I just need to cry, a good cry. I put my hood up and headed to the bathroom. I turned on the faucet, letting the hot water run as I held in my cries. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

I stripped my clothes off, stepping foot in the hot bathtub. What if I drowned myself right now? I held my breath, my head following under the water as my messy hair covered my eyes, What the fuck am I thinking? I rose back up, tears escaping my eyes and heavy breaths coming from my chest. The tears didn't stop, I don't think they ever will. All because I was the problem.

After my bath I patted my hair dry with a towel, getting a water bottle from the fridge, that was the least I could do. Keep myself hydrated. "Athena! Come, we're watching a movie" Renny scooted over on the couch. I guess I could be social for once. I sat down next to her, all the bandmates cuddled up in blankets, the smell of coffee filling the area.