Hogwarts: Incredibly Confusing Tales

Who Killed Albus Dumbledore?

It was just an ordinary day at Hogwarts with Harry, Ron, and Hermione all sitting at their tables in Potions class when Hagrid suddenly burst through the door, breaking all the serenity. The parts of his face that weren’t hidden by thick beard hair seemed to expressing a look of extreme horror. Nobody had an inkling as to what this could be about. 

“What is it, Hagrid?” asked Harry, getting up from his seat.

“Somebody has killed Professor Dumbledore!” Hagrid screamed. Everyone in the room gasped except for Draco Malfoy, who jumped up and cheered. This was good news for Crabbe and Goyle as well, but they were too fat to jump up and cheer so instead they each just let out a lackadaisical “hoorah” from their seats. Harry ran out of the classroom, followed by Hermione, Ron, Hagrid, and Professor Snape. When they reached Dumbledore’s office, they found him lying on the floor with blood all around his mouth and on the floor! 

“This is terrible!” exclaimed Hermione.

“Who could have the audacity to commit such a crime?” asked Ron

“Don’t panic, everyone,” said Harry, “We need to take this one step at a time if we are going to solve the mystery. We are going to have to be extremely prudent in handling this situation. Who are the possible suspects?”

“I think Snape did it,” declared Ron. 

“What?!” yelled Snape, “I most certainly did not!” Everyone else seemed to be fine with the accusation, though. They weren’t big fans of Snape.

“Of course, it must have been Snape!” Hagrid said, “This was an act of mutiny!”

“I always knew he was the killing type,” said Hermione.

“How could I ha- ” Snape was immediately cut off.

“How could you, Snape?” asked Ron, menacingly.

“But I didn’t even- ” Snape was cut off again.

“Don’t you give me that, Snape,” Harry said with a threatening voice, “I think I know exactly what happened here. Snape here has been pilfering items from Dumbledore’s office for himself! The disappearance of his items must have rankled Dumbledore to the point where he hid in his office to catch the thief. Upon finding none other than Snape here, he confronted him and rebuked him for his horrible behavior. But instead of apologizing to Dumbledore and begging for forgiveness, Snape here slugged him across the face, thus killing the good man!”

“You devil!” Hagrid roared.

“But that’s so specific!” Snape protested, “How would you even know what happened?!”

“AHA, so he’s even admitting to the crime, the scoundrel!” Ron yelled.

“I haven’t admitted to anything! I didn’t even s- ” Snape wasn’t able to finish his sentence because at that moment the Azkaban Dementor police came crashing in through the window. In a flash, they swooped in on Snape, confiscated his wand, and flew him off to Azkaban. Everyone cheered. Suddenly there was movement from below. Albus Dumbledore unexpectedly got to his feet and stood up before their very eyes! He yawned and wiped the red off his face. Everyone gasped.

“Wow, that was a long night,” Dumbledore said drowsily, “I think I fell asleep while stuffing myself with that tasty ketchup at, like, 1 am or something.”

“It’s Dumbledore!”

“Dumbledore, you’re alive!” Harry cheered, “We thought Snape killed you!”

“Really?” Dumbledore was amused, “What happened?”

“Oh, he was arrested and taken to Azkaban where we’ll never see him again!” replied Ron.

“Yes!” shouted Dumbledore, “I always hated that guy."

They all cheered.

"So dull and gloomy all the time, you know what I'm saying?" Dumbledore continued, "Well, good riddance!”

They all cheered again. 

And then Hagrid had a heart attack.