Hogwarts: Incredibly Confusing Tales

The Day Nothing Happened

   It was just another ordinary day in Hogwarts, as Dumbledore sat at his desk, playing computer games, when suddenly nothing happened. In fact, nothing happened so suddenly that it caused Dumbledore to jump out of his seat. He glanced around, a little suspicious, but slowly he calmed down and resumed his computer games.

   And then a few seconds later, nothing suddenly happened again. It happened so suddenly that this time Dumbledore fell out of his rolling chair and hit his head on the floor. He picked himself up from the ground and cautiously looked around the room. He peeked out the window. Nowhere to be seen was this mysterious force that had caused nothing to happen so unexpectedly.

   "How very peculiar..." he muttered to himself. He grabbed the Goblet of Fire from his counter and took a sip of ketchup from it. It definitely reduced the tension. He resumed his computer games.

   And then, nothing happened once more! It came with such force that Dumbledore sprang out of his seat and toppled over his entire desk, smashing his computer. Dumbledore lay there, fazed for a moment, and then he picked himself up and reviewed the damage.  His computer was a wreck, and ketchup was spilling out from all of his open desk drawers. The Goblet of Fire was the only thing unharmed.

   "Useless thing," Dumbledore said to himself, tossing the Goblet of FIre out the window. This time, he was 100%  sure that nothing had just happened. If this got too out of hand, Hogwarts could be in danger! After slurping some ketchup off the floor, he hastily left the room. 

   "Attention, everyone!" he cried at the top of his lungs in the Great Hall, and everyone fell silent to see what the matter. "Something very horrible is happening at Hogwarts!"

   "What's the matter?" asked Harry.

   "Nothing!" cried Dumbledore. It didn't have the effect on the students he had hoped. Actually, most of them seemed to be laughing at him. "What are you children laughing at? I'm trying to warn you of a great danger! Nothing is upon us!"

   "Then why are you so scared?" asked Hermione.

   Before anything else coud be said, nothing happened once more, without any warning whatsoever, such that it caused Dumbledore to drop to his belly and do the worm. This time nothing had caught Dumbledore so totally unprepared that he wasn't able to resist the forces that were causing him to dance in such a way. The kids were enjoying it, however, as they all circled Dumbledore and chanted, "Flop! Flop! Flop!"

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Some distance away, Lord Voldemort was making a secret Hogwarts heist. In his ninja suit, he stealthily darted across the grounds to where Dumbledore's tower was. He smiled and chuckled evilly. Taking the headmaster hostage was step 1 of his brilliant-

  Suddenly he was struck on the head very hard and killed on the spot by the Goblet of Fire. 

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   "What is the meaning of this?" yelled Argus Filch, strolling into the riot-filled Hall.

   "Dumbledore told us he was terrified that nothing would happen and then he started doing the worm!" exclaimed Hermione.

    Argus Filch wasn't amused, "What are you..." He then caught a glimpse of Dumbledore breakdancing across the Hall floor. "...I say, he does look rather handsome when he flips his beard that way..." Filch left them, making his way further into the cheering crowd.

   "What is the meaning of this?!" yelled Professor McGonagall, strolling into the Hall.

   "Dumbledore said something and then he started dancing!" cheered Ron. 

   "What are you talking about?" asked McGonagall. Dumbledore was now doing the macarena.

   "I CAN'T..." Dumbledore screamed, struggling against the force of nothing that was causing him to shake in such a groovy manner, "...RESIST THE FORCES! SOMEONE HELP ME!"

   "Hold on, Dumbledore!" yelled Harry, as he whipped out his wand, "A spell of some sorts will snap you out  of this trance!"

   "What?!" screamed Dumbledore, now switching over to Michael Jackson style, "Wait, NO! I'm not in a trance, I'm just being controlled!" 

   "Hmm..." thought Harry, "Now which one of these spells will do the trick?"

   "No, STOP, HARRY! Don't you dare hit me with a spell!" yelled Dumbledore, grabbing his crotch and heaving upwards a few times.

   "Oh, here's a great idea! I'll use a curse!"

   "A CURSE?!" yelled Dumbledore, Moonwalking across the tables, "No, Harry, don't you dare! I will expell you!"

   "Ooh, this one looks cool...Avada Kedavra? Is that how you say it?"

   "Don't kill me!"

   "Or how about this one...Imperio?"

   "Ok, that's slightly better, but still, don't do it!"

   "Hmm, maybe I should do this one...Crucio."

   "WHAT?! Stop, Harry! Don't do it!"

   " Oooh, I know!" exclaimed Harry in delight, "I'll do all three of them!"

   "I'm doomed!" groaned Dumbledore, still dancing like crazy. Now he was grooving dubstep style. Amongst the cheering crowd of students, he could vaguely see a scawny guy pushing his way through towards him... " Argus Filch?" he reailzed, terribly confused.

   "Okay, so I'll start off with the, uh, Crucio one..." decided Harry. He raised his wand high up in the air and then pointed Dumbledore. "1...2...3...Crucio!" A blast of light and energy left his wand and flew at Dumbledore.

   "NOOOOO!" Dumbledore screamed, bracing for excruciating pain. But suddenly, at the second before impact someone from the crowd climbed onto the table and tackled Dumbledore. This person was none other than Argus Filch.

    "I LOVE YOU DUMBLE-" Filch got hit full on by the Crucio, and started writhing and wiggling around like a worm.

   "Aaaaarrgh!" he yelled.

   "Imperio!" yelled Harry, and once again it was Filch who got hit. Dumbledore had been knocked out of his trance-like state and was now getting the heck out of the Great Hall. Nothing was definitely not happening. Filch started bouncing across the room like a ping pong ball, while still being tortured in midair by the Crucio.

   "Aaaaa - oof - aaaaaarrr - oof - rrrr - oof - gggggghhhhh!" 

   " And now, for the grand finale, Avada Kedavra!" Harry declared, as a green bolt of lightning flew throught the air. It just missed Filch, frying his hair off. "Hmm, a moving target is harder to hit," thought Harry, "Avada Kedavra, Avada Kedavra, Avada Kedavra, Avada Kedavra!" 

   Green bolts flew everywhere, all barely missing the beaten up Filch being thrown around the room. Finally he flew straight through a window and kept on going. Harry took his chance, and sent an Avada Kedavra out the window to follow Filch wherever he went. "WOOOOHOOO-

HOLD UP, HOLD UP! It has come to the attention of us, the People who Idealize Sensible Stories and Put it above all Other Things, that this so-called "Hogwarts Tale" is going absolutely nowhere. If this silliness continues in future stories to come, we will be abruptly cutting off the story with a THE END, as you can see in the text below:

 

THE END

 

Thank you for your consideration,

   The PISSPOTs