Hogwarts: Incredibly Confusing Tales

A Changed Man

   It was an ordinary day in Hogwarts, with all the students eating their food in the Hall, when suddenly there was a great shrieking noise from above that caused everyone to look straight up. With no warning, a massive hole was blasted through the center of the tall roof, revealing two dementors floating up above. They were carrying a beaten up figure who seemed to be lifeless and limp in their clutches. Shrapnel and chunks of the ceiling smashed through tables and slammed into the floor. Some people let out screams but everyone remained rooted where they were, waiting to see what the dementors were going to do.

   "Take it!" one dementor hissed, and they let go of the figure and disappeared. The figure didn't make a sound as it plummetted down like a ragdoll dropped from a plane, finally landing on Hagrid's soft, stretched out, very bouncy belly, and rebounding across the room and through a wall. Everyone got out of their seats to retrieve the figure from the hole in the wall. When the dust cleared as they reached the scene, however, the man was already on his feet, brushing himself off. 

    "Mother of Jesus's baby... it's Snape!" exclaimed Dumbledore, rushing towards the scene, "Severus Snape, is that really you?" It was Severus Snape indeed - he definitely looked the  exactly the same as he had when they had last seen him whisked away by the Dementor police after being accused of murdering Dumbledore (right before a Dumbledore turned out to be very much alive). Yet there was something off about his disposition.

    He shook Dumbledore's hand very eagerly and followed him up to the podium with what seemed to actually be a SMILE on his face. When Dumbledore announced that they would be giving Snape back his old position in Hogwarts (and kicking out Dobby the Elf), everyone cheered and Snape actually waved at them and cheered back. 

    Snape had become... happy.

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    "Alright, class," Snape announced as Potions class commenced later that day, "It's been a long time since I've seen and taught you all. I was sitting around in Azkaban for a year doing absolutely nothing, and even after we all found out Dumbledore was alive and well, the Dementors wouldn't let me leave. I begged and pleaded with them, and I think I might have given one of the Dementors the wrong idea because then he turns around and starts sucking my soul out! The thing is, he sucks for 2 seconds when all of a sudden I feel something heavy leave my body, the sucking stops, I look up and see the guy clutching his throat and gurgling and screaming in some foreign language, he starts breakdancing on the floor and then he stops moving! Cool story, huh?"

    "Wait," Harry said, "Something left your body? And choked the Dementor to death?"

    "What a wonderful question, Harry!" Snape clapped his hands and pulled a candy out of his pocket, "For that you get a reward." He tossed the candy to Harry. "And yes, something did leave my body. And ever since then, I've felt lighter, happier, and... healthier! So healthy. In fact, who needs Potions? Let's PARTY!"

     "WOOHOOO!" the class cheered and everyone jumped out of their desks and started wrecking the classroom. 

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    "It seems that all this time," Hermione explained back at the dormitory, "Snape had something in his soul that had been poisoning his attitude and mood. Whatever the Dementor sucked out of him, it must have been something hard, filthy, and large enough to clog a Dementor's windpipe."

    "But what could it be?" asked Ron.

    "Are there side effects to having even a fraction of your soul sucked out?" asked Harry.

    "Well, on occasions," Hermione frowned, "People have been known to succumb to insanity, or pyromania, maybe even suicide bombing... But it's very unlikely that- "

     "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!" Screams and yells filled the castle. The trio dashed outside and followed the screaming to a growing crowd of students yelling for help. The crowd was at a balcony overlooking all the other towers. Balancing on the very peak one of the closer towers, a bright blazing light could be seen. It was Snape, holding a torch in each hand and wearing a massive coat.

     "I'M GONNA DO IT! I SWEAR I'M GONNA DO IT!" Snape shrieked maniacally. His face now looked overwhelmed with insanity, he had lost some hair, and he cackled and snorted every 10 seconds.

    "But Snape!" Hagrid pleaded, "You've only been here one day! What's the hurry to go and blow us all up?"

     "HA!" Snape snorted and cackled, "Rubeus, you fat piece of bread, you think I'm stupid? You think I'm mad? That I don't SEE your little PLAN? Your CONSPIRACY?! Your all in on it! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. The conspiracy...how did I not see it earlier? I don't know! But that's okay, because now, I'M GONNA PUT A STOP TO THIS! ALL OF THIS!"

    "What the- " Hagrid scratched his head, "Uh, Snape, are you feeling okay? There is no- "

    "FOOLS!" Snape bellowed, "I've outsmarted you and your little tricks. Haha, ha HA HA! It was all so ELEMENTARY! Now, I'm gonna light this place up and WATCH IT BURN!" Before anyone could stop him, he flung his 2 torches into the sky. They missed every building possible and landed in buckets of water.

     "Okay, Snape," Ron yelled, "It'll be okay. You weren't able to set Hogwarts on fire, so how about you just take a step- "

    "Oh that's okay if my torches didn't quite meet their mark..." Snape cackled and ripped open his large coat, revealing an undershirt strapped with massive amounts of explosives ready to blow.

     "WOAH." Suddenly the crowd was screaming once more, panicking, shouting.

     "Yeah, you better be scared now, FOOLS," Snape seemed very proud of himself, "Because I've rigged this whole fricking castle with TNT, and NOW I'M READY TO BLOW THIS MUTHA-------------- TO KINGDOM COME! NO STOPPING ME NOW, HERE I GOOOOOOOOOO!"

    Snape snorted and leaped off the tower. "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Everyone screamed. Many turned and tried to run away and escape, while others just watched as Snape plummeted down, and down, and down...

     Cacaaaaaaaaaaw! Buckbeak dove out of the night sky and gracefully picked Snape out of the air right before he hit the ground. Everyone cried with happiness as the elegant beast flew up and up and up with the struggling figure of Snape, until he was high over their heads. They flew directly in front of the moon, so their beautiful silhouette was the only thing noticeable: The hippogriff flying off with Snape writhing in his claws. There was much cheering.

    "It's a Christmas miracle!" cried Ron.

    Then came a deafening explosion. The silhouette against the night sky was lit up with a massive, blinding fireball and was shredded to pieces instantly. Apparently the heroic buckbeak had squeezed too hard. The crowd stood frozen and gaped at the confusing sight in horror.

    "Hey, Snape's dead!" someone realized. Everyone cheered.