Hogwarts: Incredibly Confusing Tales

Attack of the Cowboys

It was an ordinary day at Hogwarts, with Harry, Ron, and Hermione talking together during lunch, when suddenly there was a very loud banging and yelling. Confusion overwhelmed everyone, and everyone fell silent. Harry fell silent. Ron fell silent. Hermione fell silent. Hagrid fell asleep. Dumbledore screamed.

"What was that?" asked Draco Malfoy.

"I know what that is!" shouted Harry, "I'd recognize that sound anywhere!"

"What is it, Harry?" asked Dumbledore.

"That..." said Harry.

"That what?" asked Ron.

"That was..." continued Harry.

"That was what, Harry?" asked Hermione.

"That was the sound of..." continued Harry, "A group of COWBOYS!"

Nobody knew what a cowboy was.

"What's a cowboy?" Neville asked.

"Wow, Neville," scoffed Harry, "I didn't think you were that dumb!"

"What's a cowboy, Harry?" asked Ginny.

"Oh, what a very good question Ginny!", congratulated Harry, "A cowboy, Ginny dear, is a mad muggle on a horse with a bunch of long rope and a really big shotgun. They tend to come in different shapes and sizes and all of them are almost always named Chuck."

"Oh, Harry, your so smart!" exclaimed Ron.

"Naturally, naturally, Ron," nodded Harry, "Who knows? Maybe someday your intelligence will grow from half the IQ of a dead worm to possibly an eighth of mine!"

"Oh, goody!" exclaimed Ron, "But what is an IQ, Harry?"

"That is for a later time, Ron. Right now, we have to deal with this new onslaught of cowboys!"

"Oh goody!" exclaimed Ron, "But what is an onslaught, Harry?"

"Can someone please get him out of my face?" Harry inquired to the crowd. Dumbledore picked Ron up and placed him by the window.

"Right..." began Harry, "So this is the plan. Everyone knows that the one thing that all cowboys hate is cows, right? So what we have to do is get a bunch of cows and set them loose, away from Hogwarts, thus diverting the cowboys' attention and keeping Hogwarts safe from their vicious clutches. Any questions?"

Hermione raised her hand, "How will we get these cows, Harry?"

"Good question. It is common knowledge that there are only a few cows on the grounds of Hogwarts for us to sacrifice, and so just sacrificing Crabbe and Goyle and Malfoy won't be enough to drive the cowboys away, so..."

"Hey!" protested Malfoy, "Are you calling us cows? Did he just call me a cow? Are you hearing this Crabbe? This is humiliating! How about you, Goyle? Ah, forget it Goyle, he was right about you. Well, I've had enough of this whole 'cowboy' nonsense. I've got to go to the bathroom. Later, losers." With that, Malfoy made his way to the doors to get to the bathroom. When he opened the doors and walked outside, nothing happened. "Hah! See? There's noth- "

He wasn't able to finish because at that moment a lasso flew through the window and looped around him, tightened, and yanked him out of sight.

"Quick! Close the doors!" exclaimed Harry, and someone did. "Okay, so as I was saying, we need more cows for the cowboys. The obvious solution is the conjuring spell. We will get to the top of the highest tower so that we cannot be reached by those lassos, and then we will merely raise our wands all at once, scream Accio Cows, and hope for the best. Any other questions?"