"Life works in ways I will never understand. One day everything can be perfect then the next everything you thought you knew is gone, over, concluded if you will. Laying on the floor in pieces and you're expected to pick It up and move on with life...
Life works in ways I will never understand. One day everything can be perfect then the next everything you thought you knew is gone, over, concluded if you will. Laying on the floor in pieces and you're expected to pick It up and move on with life like nothing ever happened.
One day you can be only partially heartbroken, the next utterly destroyed. People always say the good die young I've come to think of it because they deserve to get out of this hell hole. The rest of us have not yet proven yet to be worthy of death. Sure, it's dark but you can't deny it. I haven't always been this focused on death, I used to think life was full of love and happiness but clearly, I was wrong. There may be happy moments but is anyone truly happy or just lying to themselves and saying that they are? I know that I do.
The funny thing is that everyone thinks they know everything till they don't, they think they've suffered till they have been through hell and back and people around you still think you're an angel.
Everybody likes to think they are the only ones suffering and become selfish, but the ones who push you away are the least selfish of all. I like to think I'm not selfish but so does everybody. When you ask someone to describe themselves they use all of the good things they never tell you about the baggage. I think we do that because as humans we need people to like us and to feel wanted, as much as introverts want to say that all they need is themselves humans are social animals and need to mingle.
I know all of this because I am one. One of the people who've gone throw hell and back and maybe I'm still there, one of the people who push others away because I don't want to be a burden, One of those people who think I'll survive with just me, my dog, and fictional worlds.
I miss the times when I loved hanging out with my friends when I felt like I could do anything I wanted when I had the bad bitch attitude. One night can completely change a person's life and I am one of those people.
One stupid drunken mistake can make or break a person, I've landed right in the middle. Broken on the inside all put together on the outside. Every time I start to feel better like the person that took me 19 years to perfect shit somehow goes sideways.
I would love to blame other people for my problems but I can't it's my fault. Every person who knows what happened tells me it's not but if you truly look into what happened that dreadful night know that it was my fault.
As a reader you're probably wanting to know what happened you will eventually but not yet.
Coming back to reality I'm brutally woken up by my older brother. I don't recommend them they suck and not just pussy. Trust me they will tell you all about that even if you don't want to hear about it.
"Wake up stupid we've got to go" I can barely put together the word that speaks.
Rolling my eyes very noticeably I reply with "I wish mom swallowed you, I'm getting up asshole" Laughing his ass off he finally gets out of my room. I have no clue where we are going and why so I throw on a t-shirt and some jeans with my dudes. I put on a little make-up and tie my hair in my signature messy bun. (the fit)
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Walking out into the kitchen I see that my brother is already waiting outside, I grab my thunderbird purse and my truck keys and head out of the apartment. When I get to my forest green 1994 ford f350 dually I see that my brother is sitting in the passenger seat.
Climbing up into the truck I ask "So where are we goin' Asher?"
"To go get food duh." he rolls his eyes as he replies to me. If looks could kill I would have murdered him 7 ways from Sunday. I turn up the radio to tune out his terrible singing as I drive to Whataburger. Not even realizing I'm zoning out he turns down the music and taps me on the shoulder once we get to a red light.
"You good?" he asks, I nod my head yes. Not buying my bullshit he makes me look at him and he says "I call B.S., I'm your brother I taught you how to bullshit I can see right through you. Don't lie to me okay? Believe it or not, I notice things baby sister okay. I know things have been hard these past couple of years, but I'm here for you always."
Changing the subject because I hate it when people get all sappy I say "Oh look we're here, what do you want?" He notices what I'm doing but doesn't say anything about it. I appreciate it, I think he knows that. Talking about what I'm feeling isn't in my vocabulary, yes I know that's bad for you and will probably make you go crazy. I'm already here why not go a little farther right?
"The usual please Oakey" I order 2 number ones with Dr.Peppers. Once we get our food I head home in comfortable silence. I grab my food and run to my room once we get home not wanting to talk about how broken I have been lately.
Is it bad that I ignore my problems and drowned myself in music and work? Probably, but do I care? No, I don't. Apparently it's also not good to push people aways, but all of this is a problem for another day today's problem consits of whether I'm going to shower tonight or in the morning.
