Never Set In Stone

chapter eight

I was oblivious to the fact that Ryan had control over me and my life, basically. Then I felt completely dumbfounded when I finally started seeing things through the lens of Gianna. Though I never really confided to Gianna about specific things in my relationship, she pointed them out to me instead.

Classes started to get hard for me and Ryan found an easy solution to the problem. I didn't have to try as hard as I had been because he knew that no matter what, my future was already set in stone. My dreams became his dreams and his dreams became mine. My original dreams were dead, they all revolved around him now. I didn't need to go to college like I wanted if he was going to take care of me. His dreams are what I basically live off of. It seemed worthless to walk into school at this point, but I still did for the experiences I wouldn't get elsewhere.

I never really understood why I felt school and classes were dragging me down, all I could tell you were the same answers that Ryan was giving me. That I would be "taken care of" with him. I believed it. All of it.

It was March at this point, cold enough to want to stay in with the broken foot that I still had only because I had been misdiagnosed by doctor after doctor. At the same time, I was still forced to go out, especially by Ryan who wished to see me at any chance he could. While I was convinced that he actually wanted to hang out with me for once and do something romantic and sweet like I've always wanted in this relationship, he asked the sex question. I said no.

Walking in school that following Monday after an uneventful weekend, for some reason when I got back I started seeing all of the couples a lot more clearly now. Like a camera, they were all in my main focus now. I saw the things that I always wanted, the things that I never received. I didn't get the obsessive blushing whenever I was near him. I didn't get the always-having-to-touch-each-other stage. I didn't get to the honeymooning stage, like I should have had and I really, really didn't understand why.

I didn't think things could've gotten any worse than that. We were having troubles and those troubles became forefront in my life. I couldn't help but think about anything else in my life. A part of me absolutely needed him to stay but the other part of me wanted him gone as soon as possible. What part of me would he have today? I question myself in the morning. When I would see Ryan at school today, would I want him to stay or would I want him to go. Would I want to love him or would I not?

School was normal. It felt normal. It felt like every other day where Ryan would hold me when he could, kiss me when he could. We had decent conversations that didn't revolve around the weekend. Ryan drove me home after school and ended up just staying for dinner afterwards. But the conversations that usually always happen with my mother that proceed to dinner are not always the greatest. It's like she'll devise the worst things to say while we're eating dinner only to present them at the end. This time I was absolutely praying that she wouldn't say anything, but when was the last time my prayers were answered.

"You have to drive sooner or later."

"Mom, I can't walk, I can't run, I can't dance and yet you want me to drive?" I fight back.

With Ryan standing right next to me, she gestures to him, "Ryan probably doesn't want to do all the driving in the relationship especially since he lives further away, you need to drive yourself and you need to get your license."

Of course Ryan only nodded. He nodded because he wasn't going to disagree against my mother, I thought. It started to become an issue for me that with every mere mention of driving or being in a car made me want to start sobbing. At this point I tried to mask my tears by thinking about how angered her sentences made me feel as well. How angered they would make me feel.

The next day before we parted to our homeroom classes, I apologized for the miniscule argument that he had to experience, "Sorry you had to be in that conversation with my mom yesterday. She just doesn't understand what I'm going through with my foot and all."