Never Set In Stone

chapter thirteen

After seeing JD for the first time in over a year. Once I saw him at the college campus after not seeing him the entire time I have been there, it seemed like from that point forward I saw him everywhere. I noticed him on some of my new walks to classes, I saw him at the gym, at the local cafes, at my on-campus job. He was just everywhere at this point. Nevermind the fact that we were both friends with Hudson at this point.

Initially when we saw each other again, they weren't as intimate as the first time. We would glance at each other and smile and then walk away. We never admitted that we were friends again but we never said that we hated each other either. I couldn't hate him anymore. Actually, I loved him. But he never needed to know that, because it was just a thought.

The more and more we saw each other, the more we actually started having decent interactions. Greetings that eventually turned into conversations. Conversations that drastically started becoming longer and longer. And more intense. As I said before, we didn't know where we stood with one another. We talked but we weren't friends. We were fond of each other but we still disagreed with one another.

I was alone. Walking aimlessly through the weather that started to change seasons. Where soft flowers started blooming on the bare trees though the air was still crisp and caused my button nose to redden. I was trying to go to the library, because of my interest in reading and the beautiful library that settled on my campus.

He was alone. Walking aimlessly through the weather that started to change seasons. Where breezes that still required a decent sized jacket ran through the air as temperatures felt like winter but a beating down sun like summer. He was headed to the gym as I later found out because of his desire to get in shape for summers he would spend at Cape Cod.

Standing under the prettiest tree on campus we ran into one another. Again. For probably the 30th time in the last 3 months. But compared to all the other times I've seen him since I found out he too went to Williams College, this one was much much different. Quite frankly, it was a different type of conversation than those of any conversations we've ever had in the four years I've known him. JD and I have been through a lot together as best friends. Seemingly, through thick and thin. Or maybe not.

"How have you been?" He started off asking.

I shrug, "I can't complain. Classes are pretty good and I clearly have a lot of free time on my hands since I keep running into you."

"Yeah I got a lot of free time too, can't you tell. I've got a paid internship at the healthcare center in town but surprisingly it doesn't take up as much time as I thought it would."

"That seems like a really great opportunity. Does everyone start getting internships in sophomore year?"

"It depends, really," he explains, "Depends on your career and the jobs or companies that are open for interns in this town. I'm not sure about a high school teacher though, you might have to wait for more qualifications."

"What makes you think I want to be a high school teacher? Maybe I wanted to teach middle or even elementary school."

"Del, I know you're in secondary education. So that doesn't mean you want elementary school and I can remember from high school that you always talked about wanting to teach either 11th or 12th since those are the only grades that teach American History, which is what you're also majoring in."

I sincerely smiled, "I forgot how well you remembered details."

At first he only replied with a matching expression until it completely disappeared to seriousness, "Del," I hated the way he said my name like that. It seemed so gloomy and dark for the bright and happy day. "I've been thinking about wanting to talk to you about this for...awhile. I keep putting it off even though I shouldn't have. Ever since I saw you, ever since I figured out that you go here, I've been wanting to tell you. Each time I saw you afterwards, I wanted to say something so bad, but I haven't. I guess now I've been putting it off for so long that I really need to get it off my chest.

"I really, really don't know how I feel about you, Del. That night at the party, I knew exactly how I felt and I know I should've voiced it, but I think both of us were too drunk to make any logical decisions. But back then I knew that I liked you, fuck it, I'm convinced that I knew that I loved you then. Obviously a year has passed since then and your lack of presence made things disappear. Then I saw you again. After thinking I never would see you again. Some of those 'love' feelings, I guess, came back, but they didn't at the same time. I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm just throwing this at you without any warning. I guess my point is, I wanna figure out what can happen. What should happen, cause, cause I'm not ready for anything but at the same time I am ready for something, I just can't for the life of me figure out what."

While I processed things I left my eyes wide open figuring I could just reiterate the ultimate question while I needed words to come to my mind, to my mouth, "So, basically, you like and love me and want to initiate something with me but at the same time you don't like me and don't want anything to happen? W-w-why?"

He nods for a long time before saying, "I'm still upset with you."

"Upset with me? For?"

"Turning your back on me when I needed you most."

Remembering it again for myself with a wave of memories flashing before my eyes I offer, "Yeah, I'm sorry. About that. I would be mad at myself too. And if that's the case for you, I guess it's the same for me."

"What's the same for you exactly?"

"Loving you but hating you at the same time."

His lips are pressed together and he nods some more. "So, um, what, uh, do you think we should do about that?" JD's entire body takes a step closer to me and I forgot that there was even a breeze outside making the weather cold. I was honestly getting warmer by the second. The tension and Jason Dean made nothing better for me.

"I'm not sure," I breathe heavily, "What did you have in mind? You're the one who's been thinking about it."

"You're right, you're right. I guess there's a few possible ways this could go."

"And those are," I await his answers while my heart starts racing. I'm not sure why though. His presence. His answers. Whether they're going to be all the way positive or all the way negative or what.

"Well, we could choose hate. Which is honestly not my favorite, but it has to be said because if we hate each other so much, we don't have to see each other again. Or we could forget both love and hate and go back to being friends, best friends. Or we could test out what this love thing is going to be like."

I have to see him. So that was off the table. Friends just didn't settle right in my stomach. We've gone through so much, as friends, that I was over it. I knew he was a good friend, a great friend, but these feelings whenever he was this close to me were too overpowering. I couldn't just be friends with him. It would be impossible for me. "What do you mean by testing it out?"

"I'm guessing you like that last option the best, huh?" He practically breathed the question against my lips as he stepped a few inches closer to me.

I shrug with a devilish smile knowing that whatever that last option was, wasn't anything PG.

"What I was thinking was maybe a way for us to, I don't know, try things out. I don't know if like me you're not ready for anything serious, but maybe something that's in between."

"Is this something that you've been thinking about wanting to do with me for a while."

"No, definitely not," the sarcasm was so clear in his voice.

"How long?"

"How long have you been thinking about it?"

"Who said I've been thinking about it?"

The deep evil laughter that came from his throat sent my head through a spiral and parts of my body warmed up, "I know you've been thinking about it."

We both agree that we had some lingering thoughts about it when we first became friends. While at times we said that it was just "teenage thoughts", I couldn't help but wonder if something besides that would have happened if we would have just been honest with one another. If he would have never gotten with Larissa, would he be mine and would the mutual, emotionless, practice test that we plan on doing now happen through a different light.