Never Set In Stone

chapter ten

He was the one who took away my firsts. First real relationship. First real love. First real kisses. First real time having sex. We had a lot of good moments. A lot of good memories. But they were overcome with the amount of bad memories that he created. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would. I was angry more than I was sad. The only times that I did cry was when I thought about all our little memories we shared together. I didn't miss him, not even after his explanation. Who would do that to someone? I thought. He didn't do anything wrong, but he didn't do anything right either. I didn't know how I was going to handle being in Physics with him but thankfully our teacher had been one of those teachers to assign seats halfway through the year. I guess she kind of knew when we liked each other and when we didn't because it was proved in her seating placements. Doing that to someone is just beyond crazy to me. I had no other choice but to end things. There was no way I was just going to sit there and slowly feel my life being taken over by a man. Or maybe I was. For most of our relationship, I didn't even have that thought cross my mind, so what changed.

It was him. It was my best friend. My ex best friend. He always knew what I needed and planned on giving me the knowledge that I needed. But that was the craziest part, I wasn't even talking to him. Well, I did have a conversation with him, but we never once talked about my life. I prevented us from talking about anything further than his life to prevent the feelings I feel now. I don't even know what these feelings are exactly. Love for a person that I truly hate. And hate for a person that I once loved. How does that make any but any sense?

High school has fucking changed me. I never ever ever used to be this way. Or at least this high school and these people and these situations have changed me. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I was shy and introverted and I never wanted to have anything to do with anybody. Now I'm different. Now I'm outgoing and extroverted and want everything to do with everybody. I've been so accustomed to drama here that it seems like my life isn't going to be the same unless there is drama involved. When I once complained about not having friends, I now have acquaintances in almost every class. When I once bitched about not having a boyfriend, I just recently broke the heart of some boy and have boys lining up and seem to be catching feelings for the same damn person over and over again.

As much as I didn't want to compare and contrast, I had to. Which one hurt worse. The boy that took everything from me and left me having to make a choice. Or the boy that took everything from me and made the choice himself.

Jason Dean Fischer.

Friends over boyfriends, I chose. However he chose differently. I never understood why he had such a big hold on me. On my life and my heart. He took over my thoughts and feelings to the point where it's getting ridiculous. I want him, but I don't. I love him, but I don't. I hate him, but I don't. When JD walked out of my life, it hurt a hell of a lot worse than when Ryan did.

Ryan kept desperately trying to inch his way back into my life, but I refused to let him do that. I told him how I felt and he failed to change what I needed to be changed for the better of our relationship. Because he didn't change, he cost us the relationship. He cost himself the relationship because I'm not looking back.

May was an interesting month because I felt lost every day at school. Not physically lost just mentally and emotionally lost. Almost as if I was lost in space because my mind floated to the most extraneous things. Ryan no longer occupied any power over my thoughts. JD on the other hand, placed pressure on my subconsciousness. I felt infatuated with him even though I wanted it to stop. I wanted all the lust to go away because I knew there was no way things could change anymore.

When JD talked to me back in February, I felt bad I reacted the way I did. I wish I could take it back because in all honesty he didn't really deserve the way I treated him. I wish instead I told him "You hurt me really bad and I don't think that anytime soon we'll get back to how we were before. I can't fully forgive you for what you did and I'm hesitant on whether or not you may do it again. I wanna look out for myself but I also don't want to let you down when you most need someone by your side."

He needed someone, he needed a friend and I left him alone. I truly thought that I was more pissed about my own life and my own relationship that I became selfish in my pissy mood and took it out on innocent JD who just got his heart broken. Now I probably doubled his heartbreak.

This month he would leave so I arranged to quit thinking about him when he was gone. Out of sight, out of mind, they always say. But when he left, things only got worse.

The week after their supposed graduation, I saw the posts of other seniors about their wondrous times at senior week. I always wondered what exactly occurred during senior week. I've heard stories, from my chill mother and older, crazy cousins who told me the basics of it. "It's the three D's," they told me, "Drinking, drugs and doing the dirty."

I could only imagine the truth behind those pictures. How many of those pictures of sunsets on the beaches preceded a night filled with "the three D's"? I didn't really think about what anyone was doing, I could care less.

We had another week left of school which at this point I was kind of dreading. It was so hot that I was just waiting for summer to arrive. It was my favorite season, can't you tell. As soon as I got home from school, I watched tv while simultaneously doing the homework that those strict teachers still gave us. I heard a knock on the door which was unusual for this time of day. Whatever, I thought, it's probably another solicitor or package at the door, they'll go away.

Another few seconds later, they knocked again. Yep, definitely a solicitor. Once they knocked a third time, I finally got up to look out the window. To my surprise, it was JD. He looked the same, more mature with a red kiss of sun on his nose and cheeks. Standing on my porch and anxiously waiting for someone to answer. I keep watching him through the window adjacent to the door. He starts walking away from the porch and that is when I go over and slowly unlock the door.

When I step outside, he turns and we make instant eye contact. As much as I'm pleased to see him in one piece after senior week, because there is so much that I want to say to him, I'm still confused, majorly confused as to why he's here. Before I can ask, he says, "Del, all week I haven't stopped thinking about you. I haven't stopped thinking about what I did wrong and how I can make it right. I just want you back, shit, Del, I need you back. I need you in my life because it hurts when you're not.

"I know I messed up and I know you probably won't ever forgive me. But I'm going to try my absolute hardest to get you back. I can't get over these feelings that I have for you. Th-they've been just taking over my life and I can't do anything about it but 𑁋"

Within a few seconds from when he said that he jumps up the steps missing a few in between and stands centimeters from me. My body tenses and my stomach is overcome with butterflies. His face was inching its way closer to mine and I couldn't even breathe at this point. All at once he pushed his rose colored lips to mine. They were warm and soft and folded into mine just as perfect as I hoped. I start kissing him back, leading him to part his lips making way for his tongue to graze mine. For a second I forgot where I was. Forgetting about where I was and feeling as though I didn't need to know where I was. Forgetting about everything that happened in the past because this moment was our new starting point, a fresh start for us.

A smile starts to form across my lips and it's an action that I can't control. JD kissing me makes me happy, so I smile. But as soon as I smile, the numbness sets in. His lips are drifting away, they're disappearing but I can't open my eyes to witness whether he is walking away or not. My eyes are closed tight, refusing to open to watch if JD realizes that this is a mistake. Or maybe he did it intentionally. I was so disoriented. Why can't I open my eyes?

I open my eyes to the ceiling of my bedroom.