I See You (N. Sully)

Chapter 18

By dinner time, when Neytiri had called them all together, all they could talk about was the day they had spent learning how to breathe, and who was the fastest at swimming, who could ride their ilu for the longest.

Ahurewa hadn't yet spoken to Neteyam. He hadn't looked at her once since they had come back, his face remaining focussed on whatever it was he was doing at the time. Now, he was helping his father unpack their remaining weapons, propping up his mother's precious bow on a stand at the far side of their tent.

Popping a vine wrapped square into her mouth, Ahurewa watched as he moved to sit on the opposite side of the fire, instead of sitting beside her like he usually did. She frowned, observing the way he tried to avoid her eyes, seemingly indifferent to her attention on him. What she hated the most about Neteyam, was his inability to say what he was thinking. She hated it the most at that moment. He had been so hot and cold towards her. Sometimes he'd squeeze her hand when she was tense, brush her waist with his fingertips as he passed her. But other times, he would be short with her, not entertaining her conversations or questions, he would ignore her watchful eyes – something he had come to discover was the hardest to do of all of those things.

Neytiri could sense the shift in atmosphere between Ahurewa and her son. She knew something was happening between them, she wasn't blind. It reminded her of her and Jake, but not in the same way that Lo'ak and Tsireya were starting to. Neteyam was just as stupidly charming as his father, and just as blind. But he also had Neytiri's stubbornness, her denial. The moment reminded her of all those times Mo'at had said she would understand when she had her own children. She denied it of course. But now she understood her mother's words. Watching the two, it was clear as day, she and Jake had been the same, rejecting their feelings at first. Their small arguments and disagreements would mean nothing in ten years, but they would mean the world to them in the moment, as teenagers turning young adults. It was only a matter of time before Neteyam would have started to take notice – that's what she had told herself two years before when he'd turned sixteen. But, he was too wrapped up in taking care of his siblings and keeping them out of trouble – of course it made sense for a girl to have to be forced right in front of him for him to take notice.

Meanwhile, Ahurewa was staring Neteyam down. The shadow of the flames licking at her skin. He had only glanced up at her once to know what she was feeling. It was written all over her face, she could never hide her feelings from him well, her face made her an open book to him now that he understood her inner workings. What was once an unreadable mask, was now a fascinating book that he was rushing to finish, chasing the high, waiting for it to end at any moment.

When her eyes met his, she sucked in a breath. It wasn't as kind as she had thought it would be. She didn't know what she wanted, but when he finally gave into her burning stare, his look was colder than usual, taunting her, just waiting for the moment to hear what she had to say.

It was hard not to clamber over the burning fire and shake him by his neck and just ask him what it was he wanted from her. She didn't even know if she could take whatever answer he gave her. If he said she was like a sister to him, she'd die. After their kiss in the forest, things were supposed to change, but then they had to move to the reef, and all of a sudden, it wasn't as easy as it was before. Things were getting in the way, and they spent less time together. All of a sudden, he wasn't the one teaching her new things, or watching over her at every waking minute – it was Tsireya and Ao'nung who were watching her now.

After dinner, she didn't need to pull him aside. Instead, he'd walked over to where she was sat with Tuk, listening to her talk about all of the new things she had discovered that day. His shadow loomed over them, his form blocking the gentle glow of the fire.

"I'll be just one second, Tuk." He didn't have to say anything for her to get up and follow him, they both knew they needed to talk. There had been tension between them ever since he had called her just a friend, and since she had said the same to Tsireya. They were going in endless circles, and one of them had to break it.

He led her to a quiet ledge overlooking the reef, their feet dangling over the water. They had sat in silence for a while, leaning back staring up at the stars. Their hands were so close, all they had to do was lift their fingers, and they could touch.

"What is it?" Neteyam asked, turning to face her as she continued staring upwards at the night sky.

"What do you mean?" She played dumb.

"You were staring at me all night."

Heat rose to her cheeks. He didn't need to say it like that. "You haven't looked at me since this morning." Great. Now she sounded like a needy child. "I thought I'd done something wrong."

Neteyam stared at her a bit longer before saying, "you haven't done anything."

"Let's not lie to each other, Neteyam." She sighed.

There she went. She'd done it again. Said his name, this time she wasn't afraid to say it. She said it with such a force that made him think for a moment. "Why were you mad at me before... back at home?"

She faced him fully then, their hands still a breath away. "You confuse me." She tried to swallow down her pride. "You're hot and cold with me. After–" she hesitated, looking away as she continued, "after we kissed, something changed. And then it changed again when you told Kiri we were just friends."

Neteyam laughed in disbelief, "you said the same thing earlier today."

Her head whipped back, studying his face closely, "when did I say that?"

"To Tsireya. I heard you two talking." It worried her not knowing what conversation he'd heard.

"I said that because I didn't know what else to say!" She lifted her hands with exasperation.

"Well neither did I!" They both sat up properly now. "What did you want me to say to her? Hm?"

Ahurewa was breathing heavily now, heated with the conversation. But she fell quiet when he asked her that. "I don't know." She huffed. "You kissed me!" She thew it out like an accusation, with no real purpose.

"You kissed me back!"

"Yes, but I-" she searched her mind for the words. "I didn't start this."

"What do you want from me, Ahurewa?"

It hurt her how he asked such a genuine question, how he couldn't possibly know what she wanted from him. Hadn't the thought crossed his mind either? She rose to her feet, brushing the dirt off the back of her.

He reached for her then, standing as well to stop her from walking off.

She glanced back at her hand. Seeing his own wrapped around it, a firm hold to stop her from leaving.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that." He tugged on her hand slightly, willing her to say something.

"I'm sorry." Ahurewa looked up at him, hoping he couldn't see the unshed tears in her eyes. "I didn't mean to put this all on you."

"No, Ahurewa," he hushed, pulling her closer, now holding onto both hands. "I don't want to lose you."

"You won't." She smiled weakly. "Let's not rush into anything. We have the fish to think about."

He didn't laugh at her joke, he just smiled knowingly. Nodding, he whispered, "you'll come back to me?"

She didn't truly know what he meant, but she nodded anyway. "I'll be hard to get rid of now you've brought me with you."

"Yeah." He mumbled, feeling the loss when her hands fell from his, and he watched her back as she walked away, disappearing into their new home without even a glance back at him.

He stared at that same spot, rooted in place for a long while after she'd disappeared under the curtain of fabric. They both needed the time to get used to the change, but it didn't mean they couldn't be normal whilst they figured everything out. They didn't have to put it into words yet – didn't have to understand any of it. They would talk about it properly when they were ready. She understood that she carried the weight of unresolved feelings about her lost family, and he understood that his patience would help his family acclimate better. Their feelings couldn't get in the way of their relationship to the Metkayina. It was more important they settled in and didn't disrupt the balance of the village until they were fully accepted. It didn't mean it didn't hurt seeing her walk away. And it didn't mean it didn't hurt for her to disappear into their new home, a quiet tear escaping. They would coexist, fight the feelings they had, if it meant they would be safe here.