Paper Dolls

Chapter 45

Rain pelts down on the clear glass encasing, barely shielding me from the harsh weather above as I wait for Hyeon to arrive. I tap my foot on the cement floors, the sound drowned out by the rain around us. There are a few others here, clad head to toe in jackets or raincoats while they wait for the bus to arrive. 

I huddle to the corner, giving someone space to sit and then a car stops right in front of us. Hyeon is wearing a black sweater and jeans and he rushes up to me with an umbrella in hand, not caring that his clothes are getting soaked. 

I hurry after him and get into the passenger seat, rubbing my palms together to keep them warm. No one expected this downpour today and I wonder if it will put a damper on our plans. 

One thing's for certain, the gloomy weather has definitely dampened my spirits. I keep thinking about our rehearsal yesterday, my fight with Rachel and what Mr Oh implied.  

Would the executives really just use me to draw crowds to the showcase and then kick me out of the line up because I'm not that good of a singer. 

I swallow down that heaviness that has enclosed around my throat just as Hyeon shuts his door and fiddles with the heater. 

Emotions have been running high amongst the girls for the past week. Kim and Liza got into a fight over their breakfast, JinJin and Grace fought over their mix up during our dance and even Binna has been annoyed with some of the girls for switching positions too slowly. 

Everyones tense with the showcase nearing but I can't shake the anger in Rachel's eyes every time I recall our tussle in the dressing room. Binna insisted that she was overreacting but there's that small niggling sliver of doubt that tells me otherwise. 

I've been receiving the same criticism for the past few months. Every beat and count I have down perfectly but there has been no emotion. People don't feel anything when they see me perform, much less enjoy it. 

Which leaves me wondering if I really was shortlisted for the showcase just because of Dalia. Because everyone was talking about our friendship. 

I always grew up idolising her, hoping to achieve a similar feat but what if I was never cut out for this to begin with. 

My chest caves in, like a crumpled piece of paper. What if I never make it past the showcase and remain a mediocre trainee forever, soon to be forgotten and replaced. 

I choke and Hyeon turns to me abruptly. He was talking but I had tuned him out, too preoccupied with my thoughts. 

His eyes widen when he takes in my pale, fear sticker face. 

"What's wrong?" 

I study the shadows under his eyes, the way they give way to such prominent cheek bones. Dalia made such a lasting impression on him that even in death he continues to adore her, to fight for what he believes has wronged her. 

Will I ever impact anyone like that by being on stage? With the way I've been performing, I highly doubt it. 

Hyeon stops by an empty back street, the heavy rain washing over the car like a blanket. I can hardly make out the line of dumpsters by the wall to our right or the deserted road ahead of us. 

"Did something happen?" Hyeon asks me tenderly like an adult talking to a child. 

My throat is so clogged, it's hard to get the words out. "I don't think I'm really cut out for this." 

Hyeon's face tightens and he frowns slowly. "You mean this investigation? I don't expect much, you shouldn't either." 

It's the first time he's ever admitted that we might not be able to achieve anything with what we have on Dalia's murder. I've always known that we embarked on this journey together more for ourselves than for Dalia's sake.