Revival (Johanna's story with Luke Hemmings)

Chapter 1

1.
"Come on, when was the last time you actually went out?" Kat looks exasperated.

"I went to the movies last week" I offer lamely.

Her eyes roll frustratedly and she eyes me seriously, almost threateningly. "You have to get on with your life eventually you know Johanna. I'm not going to let you hide out here and at work forever - Matt sure as hell didn't want that."

She knows her last comment will sting. I had thought a few weeks ago that I was doing well enough to just finally be able to hear his name now, without a lump rising in my throat and the dark clouds descending. I know I do hide at work. The only reason I was able to get back as soon as I did, was because I knew I could avoid so many conversations there. I like it that most of my patients are ventilated and unconscious - they don't give me those pitiful looks like my family always seem to, and they never ask any questions. There was nothing anyone could say to make things better or different anyway. I don't need to hear, "How are you doing dear?" any more times.

"So..." Kat says flatly, leaning forward on the breakfast bar and bringing me back momentarily.

She is so damned impatient. Well... no - actually that's not at all fair. She has put up with so much of my crap in the past months. She has seen me on my knees - literally - sobbing so hard I thought I might never get a breath in again. Sometimes I had even wished I wouldn't. She was the only one who didn't try to 'heal' me with a hug or a cup of tea. She sat through all of my misery and I could be real and honest with her. She just listened and never once pissed me off with comments like - "God took him for a reason" and "Time heals all wounds." How could I be angry with her now when she has finally resorted to basically telling me to get over it?

I actually do feel different this time. I feel ...sick of myself? Maybe a night out is exactly what I need - to be forced to make polite small talk and smile like a normal person. "Oh, alright then" I sigh.

She has taken a deep breath, ready for her next line of persuasion, and stops in her tracks. "...Okay ...good then. I'll come back for you in an hour, and I'm bringing some decent clothes for you to wear." She says it so forcefully, relishing in her new-found power, that I simply mutter something about having a shower and seeing her soon.

When she comes back she's still bossy as hell, and stands in my bedroom proudly looking down at an array of her dresses on my bed.

"I really don't know..." (I don't know if I'm ready to come out of the corner and stand in any light again). The clothes all look rather attention-seeking to me. Actually some of them are just plain slutty if I'm honest.

"Ugh, I don't know if anyone has ever bloody made a dress that is 'you' then" she calls me out, fed up. I like having her back to her harsh, blunt self - she did seem oddly muted at times when I was at my lowest.

We have been friends since high school. I don't even remember how it all came about really. She was always the centre of some kind of drama, mostly involving boys, and I just seemed to always end up helping her sort her shit out. (I never imagined the tables being turned and her having to hold me up - or her actually being any good at it).

"Maybe that one's okay," I point to a black dress at the bottom. I know it's definitely not her preferred option. "Don't you have anything longer?"

"No I don't. Put it on then ...with the shoes. Steve will be here any minute - he's going to drop us off."

I cringe. The shoes really are too much. I don't remember the last time I wore anything other than sneakers, even at work. These are shiny black heels that must be about 4 inches high - I've never worn anything like them in my life. But I guess I do have to pick my battles...

"No, I'm gonna take my car - I could have saved him the trouble. I really don't need to drink, and I have to be able to leave when I want to. They're your workmates - I won't even know anyone." I plead a bit pathetically, but she doesn't start to argue.

"What kind of party is it anyway?" I try to move things on quickly.

"Oh for god's sake - its just food and drink and music. Fine... take your own car, but you have to at least give it a few hours ...please." She smiles more softly. I realise she must actually miss the more normal friendship we always had before.

"Sure" I sigh.

Her lips curl into a smug smile as I slip my feet tentatively into her heels.

"I don't even know if I can walk in these."

"You'll find a way" is her unrelenting response.

She giggles at my first few steps over to the mirror. The shoes make me that much taller that the top of my head is missing from my reflection where I usually stand. The dress is actually lovely. The material is soft and velvety and the neckline has some elegant detailing around the trim. It is considerably more modest than the deep red one Kat is wearing. I squirm uncomfortably in the length though, and tug at the bottom to try to get more thigh coverage.

"You've always had amazing legs" she says quietly.

I turn to look at her properly, feeling my chest tightening as it fills with sudden emotion. "Thanks so much for everything these past few months Kat. I don't know where I would have been without you" I rush out breathlessly. Sometimes words are just never enough.

She pulls me against her for a hug. It's something that still feels a bit awkward between us, even after everything we have been through. She's just never really been that kind of person. I smooth her voluminous blonde hair away from my face and there is some relief when her brother Steve knocks at the door.

"It's time we had some fun again" she calls over her shoulder, as she goes to answer.