Revival (Johanna's story with Luke Hemmings)

Chapter 72

72.
I end up going to a movie with Luke.  So much for taking it slow.  I don't even know what I thought that was supposed to be like, but of course it wouldn't involve spending this much time with him.  It just seems to happen too easily.  We haven't talked about Matt in a couple of days, and to be honest I really haven't thought about him that much just lately either.  I have had a big distraction today, but I also think some of the rawness of it all has definitely faded already. 

It will be hard and weird to tell my parents about it when they get back from their holiday, especially since they've decided to stay on even longer now.  It seems they have both really unwound and decided their businesses can manage a bit longer without them.  I know Mum will feel like she's got to do something and say something, but I don't need anything from them ...or anyone.

Luke has made me more aware of the time I kind of lost out of my life in the months after Matt's death  - though grief and sadness are a part of life of course, and something that you just have to work through.  Now I'm still trying to work out what I'm supposed to feel.  It's like too much anger and resentment makes the past seem even more of a waste.  I don't want to keep looking back.  I've had a long time of trying to move forward and I can't afford to lose too much ground now.  Course, maybe I'm making excuses for myself.

I drive us home in the Camaro and Luke is quiet and sleepy initially.  He hasn't said much all night.  We get to the motorway and he wakes up and then starts fiddling.  He alters the angle of all the vents and then starts feeling out over the dash and glove compartment. 

"What are you doing?" I finally ask.

"I'm trying to find where that rattle's coming from" he replies, continuing to touch things and listen.

I smile to myself, "I haven't noticed anything.  It's not the engine - what does it matter?"

He looks up at me, "It's just annoying" he shrugs.

I let the smile transform into a chuckle.  "You're not a very good passenger are you?  - You either fall asleep or you've gotta fiddle with stuff."

"Hmm - I'm not really a passenger very often.  I don't think I've changed since I was a kid" he seems to concede.  He changes the subject, "When did my Dad buy this car?"

It comes out very casually and with at least an impression of ease, and I try to maintain that.  "About three or four years ago."  I suddenly realise that it was probably just after he left Luke's family.

"It's so much his kind of thing" he says, with no trace of anger in his voice.  "It's cool that you've kept it.  Not many people appreciate classics like this these days."

I turn off the main road to head towards my street.  "I haven't always appreciated the petrol costs ...but yeah, I do like it.  I'd barely even driven it before he died."

Luke smiles at me and manages to keep the conversation light, "What did you have?"

"Uh, a pretty old Honda Civic."

"Boring" he returns, and I nod back.

We come inside and I pour us a cold drink while Luke straddles a stool at the breakfast bar. 

"Hell, Nick's an intimidating guy - I still can't believe how brave Kat was" he comments thoughtfully. 

"I hope it's bravery ...and not stupidity" I respond, and I'm sure the anxiety is evident in my voice.

"How?"

I slide his drink across and then come to sit beside him.  "I'm just not sure how she thinks she can stay hidden through it all.  Surely they'll need her to testify against him... to make sure everything sticks." 

"Shit."  He takes a drink and then hesitates, "I um, I can't get my head around her like still sleeping with him and keeping up this front, while she's quietly plotting his undoing."

I let out a big sigh and raise my eyebrows.  "I hadn't really thought about that.  I'm not sure that I want to."  I stop and can't help thinking that although Matt probably never wanted to hurt anyone, there are some parallels. 

I turn to Luke.  He is wearing the same black, ripped Nirvana T-shirt he was wearing the night I first met him, but he looks different.  It's not anything that I can specifically put my finger on, just a  change - kind of older in some way.  I study him and he puts down his glass and lifts his beautiful blue eyes to meet my gaze, then waits for me to speak.  

"Are you really sure you want to do this - us?  You must have gone into this just wanting a bit of fun, and you've ended up with such a complicated mess.  I know it's nothing like you could have expected ...and I'm not exactly the person you counted on."  I watch his face, but he gives nothing away for a few moments.

"I don't know what I went into this wanting - nothing really.  I didn't actually think I'd have a chance with you.  And yeah, of course it's been a shock, and I know it's messy and weird.  But, I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about you."  He stops and rubs his hand across his forehead.  "What are you trying to say?"

I look away from him and turn my glass round and round on the bench for a bit.  "Nothing" I shrug.    "I'm just trying to give you an out.  If I was stronger or less selfish, I might be able to set you  free ...but it's not gonna come from me."

"I don't want an out Jo ...and you couldn't set me free from this anyway.  We all just have to keep dealing with what James did.  Being with you makes it easier, not harder. You've helped me be so much more mature through this than I might have been.  ...You've made me just grow up in general.  - I'm not the stupid, angry kid I could have easily become again."

I'm taken back for a while at him contradicting my fears, and not just telling me that I'm not making things worse, but that I'm actually making them better.  I smile, "I'm really glad you feel like I'm giving you something... cause you've given me so much."  I'm not sure that Luke is going to get how big this is for me, but I continue anyway.  "I thought I was living again after everything ...but then you came along and made me really feel alive."

He smiles back.  "Michael told me you said something like that to him, the night he was drunk.  It kind of scared me a little bit at the time ...but now I'm cool with it - even flattered."  He reaches out and slides my stool across to his.  "I wanna show you something ...tomorrow, at my place."

"What?"

"You have to wait and see."  He has a confidence about him now.

"I'm not good at waiting" I pout playfully.

"Tough" he returns.

"Are you going to stay here tonight?"  I change tack rapidly and wait to see if it will phase him.

"Yeah" he nods without delay.  "And I'm done with talking."