Revival (Johanna's story with Luke Hemmings)

Chapter 75

75.
We have a comparatively quiet next several weeks.  I don't see Jacqui again, but by Luke's accounts she is starting to come to more of an acceptance of her husband's past.  I think they function off some unsaid kind of agreement not to talk about Luke's relationship with me, and it seems to work for them for now.  Maybe she has decided that I'm a phase that will pass if she just waits it out - I don't know.   

Kat focuses on work and vows to stay away from men for a 'good while', something she has said several times before, and that I again take with a grain of salt.  Nick is bailed, but keeps a very low profile.  He calls Kat once, and she seems to get away with just telling him that it's over and she doesn't want any connections to a drug scene.  Perhaps he did think she was a bit thick, or at least naive, and that he had been successful in keeping her in the dark prior to his arrest.  The police are getting their case together, and maybe they do have enough on him to keep Kat out of it, because she doesn't hear anything much more. 

It really doesn't feel like I am any kind of phase for Luke.  His anger with his Dad certainly was.  It washed over him with a fiery intensity if I think back to that night at the beach, but now it seems all but gone.  There are definitely still swells of confusion and resentment, and that goes for me too, but the rawness passed amazingly quickly for both of us.  I think working on the Corvette has probably helped Luke through many of his issues with his Dad in the past weeks and years.

I have to deliberately make myself maintain some life and independence outside of Luke.  It would be all too easy to let him become the centre of my world, but I have a self-protection mechanism, and maybe just some hard-earned wiseness, that I won't let that happen.  I get back into some more pottery classes, play squash again regularly with Kat, and have a couple of night's out with the nurses from the unit, something I haven't done in so long.

My parents are pretty stunned when I tell them about Matt.  Dad sits quietly and I'm sure is mulling over how on earth he got away with various legal and practical aspects of it, while Mum just gapes and keeps looking at me like she's waiting for me to fall to pieces at any second. 

It's right about then that Luke walked through the door and they realised we are still together.  Luke hadn't seen their car in the street, but quickly saw the look on their faces and knew what I'd just told them.  I think there were probably about a million places in the world he would have rather been at that moment, but he sucked it up and stood his ground. 

Mum looked just as taken back to see him, as she was with the news about his Dad, but thankfully didn't really say much.  Dad asked him a few awkward questions about how he felt about it all, which at least broke the uncomfortable silence.  Luke took a deep breath and then handled it all incredibly well.  He kind of just laid it on the line that while it was a huge shock and it had made him feel really angry and confused, it ultimately hadn't changed his feelings for me.  I'm pretty blown away by his honesty and maturity, especially in the face of my Dad, who I know can be a bit intimidating. 

My parent's opinion has always mattered to me, but with Luke I don't care what anyone else thinks about our relationship, even them.  I guess sometimes that can be a really bad thing, (like with Kat and Nick), but in this case I think no one else can fully understand it, and I have to have the confidence to back myself.  The next time I see them, Mum basically just says they respect my decisions, and Dad even adds, (though it's a little begrudgingly), that he respects Luke too.  That's about it.  I wish it could be that easy for Luke with his Mum, but it is of course quite a different thing.  I don't even know if a lot of time can make a difference there.

Luke does spend time with his Mum, and the easiest way they end up doing that is by stripping and repainting the bathroom together.  I don't know exactly what they end up talking about and I don't want to pry, but it does seem to help them reconnect.  Luke also sees his brothers and hangs out with Michael in the time that we have apart.  Michael proves to be a really useful, non-judgemental 'sounding board' for Luke, being the person most on the outside of everything with his Dad, that he eventually feels comfortable to share the situation with. 

We still have lots of time together too.  We go surfing again and get maybe a little bit better than last time.  Friday nights become the time when we just chill together.  Sometimes we'll go out for dinner or to see a movie, or both, but often Luke suggests that we watch a DVD or take Jess for a walk down the beach on the long, balmy summer nights.  She always ends up wet and sandy and smelly, but Luke never seems to tire of showering her off when we get back.

He starts to get a bit better at cooking, and rapidly too good at squash.  I'm always so much more competitive playing with him compared to Kat, and he relishes seeing me throw myself around the court in an effort to get all his shots back.  We never seem to run out of things to talk about either.  We certainly don't always agree on everything, and it's kind of fun to argue about things like, how much people can really change, and how many of the world's problems are caused by religion.  When it comes to core values though, that's where we have so much in common.

There are occasional times when it is a bit weird.  Sometimes he will do something or even just give me a look that really reminds me of Matt.  It can provoke feelings of anger, and sometimes a bit of guilt, (though that one is easier to quash).  I know I say the wrong thing at times too, and I will see Luke stiffen or go quiet for a while.  We have to be able to keep talking about his Dad, but we do have to be careful around how and when it's done.  It is getting easier though.

The other thing we have done over the past weeks, is look forward to this particular Saturday in late summer, when we are finally getting away from work and heading off on a holiday together.  We have looked forward to it and talked about it, but there hasn't been very much in the way of actual planning.  We have a rough idea of where we are headed, but no definite schedule of where we will stay or what we will do along the way.

Without a back seat it's pretty tight stuffing two weeks worth of stuff into the boot of the Corvette.  Luke already had it at least two-thirds full when he arrived.  He turns to me as I return from locking the house, carrying a large handbag that I've crammed with some last-minute essentials, and rubs his forehead frustratedly.

"Shit - this is stupid really.  I can't even put a roof rack on it.  Maybe I should just go home and swap it for the Fairlady."  He searches my face for signs of agreement, that I know he doesn't really want to find.

"No" I answer him resolutely.  "You have to take this car after all the work you've put into it.  I want this in the front anyway," I look down at the handbag, "- there'll be plenty of room at my feet." 

He gives me a small smile and pushes the boot lid down, having to give it an extra shove to get the latch to engage.  We both get into the car, but he doesn't start it up straight away.  He leans over and presses his lips to mine, giving me several soft, affectionate kisses.

He pulls back a little and whispers, "Thanks for doing this with me."

"Thanks for asking me" I return. 

He sits up straight and turns the key in the ignition, firing the engine into a throaty purr before he looks over again.  "I really do love you." 

He smiles briefly as I respond, "I love you too," and then turns his head and starts backing out down the drive.

As we set off north for wherever we might want to stop first, I still can't quite believe what the past few months have brought.  I started this relationship unsure that I was even ready to move on, and while I have lost so much of what I thought I knew about my 'husband', somehow I have gained much more.  The memories might be tainted, but I have found a peace within myself to let go of any anger and hurt, and to love again.  I don't care about how Luke is connected to that past - I want him in my future because before anything else he is my best friend, my lover ...and he simply makes me feel alive.

THE END