Revival (Johanna's story with Luke Hemmings)

Chapter 42

42.
I let Jess up into the bedroom just before I have to leave in the morning.  She's been up with me for a while so she's not too annoyingly jumpy.  It's also a cold morning, so after a quick lick at Luke's face she's quite content to slip in under the duvet when I lift it.  He barely moves and I just give him a quick kiss, which connects more with the side of his mouth. 

My day is one of the worst.  You do get used to death in the ICU.  You even have to watch that you don't get too blase about some aspects of it.  But the death of a child is something that I don't think I will ever get used to.  I end up nursing a nine year old boy who came in Thursday night with third degree burns to most of his lower half.  I can tell at the start of my shift that he's not going to make it to the end.  Watching the life slowly drain out of his limp, damaged body is a cruel torture, made worse only by the look on his parents' faces as they cling to an increasingly futile hope. 

I arrive home in the afternoon feeling numb.  I can force myself not to think about any of the details, but I can't shake his scared, pale, little face out of my head.  The house is empty apart from Jess, who follows me in from the garage.  There are signs of Luke, as in still a puddle on the bathroom floor and some wet towels draped around after he must have had a shower before he left.  I wonder if he's gone home after finishing his morning at work.  I can accept that his Mum will probably never like me, but I don't want to be the cause of ongoing conflict between her and Luke.

I put on a CD of Broods and sit on the couch eating some frozen yoghurt out of the container.  I not only feel numb, I also feel paralysed from doing anything productive.  I would never normally have a sleep during the day, and it's not a conscious decision I make, but I end up waking up to Jess giving a few barks before she recognises that it's Luke coming through the door again. 

"Oh sorry" he says quietly, seeing me stirring. 

I rub my eyes, "Hi - No, I didn't mean to fall asleep."  I look over to the clock and see how much time has actually slipped past. 

"I sent you a text to see if you wanted fish and chips, but you were obviously asleep.  I bought you some anyway."  He sits down on the couch beside me after I've swung my legs around, and starts opening the packet. 

I yawn again and then take a chip, "Thanks."

He looks up at me and I suddenly consider how I must look.  I've never broken down at the hospital, but I did cry on the way home in the car.  I nearly got to the point of having to pull over because my vision was getting too blurry.  I was glad of the length of the drive, and that by the time I pulled off the motorway, I had that part under control. 

"Are you okay?"  His hand reaches out towards my cheek, but then stops short as I look away. 

"Yeah - just a bit of a tough day."  I look out the window and bite the inside of my cheek.  He must think my life is boring enough lately, without having to contend with sob stories and this mood.  I try to shake it, "How was yours?"

He ignores my words - "What happened?" 

I feel my defences crumbling quickly under his concerned gaze.  Damn, I had gotten practised at holding things together just long enough to convince people that everything was fine.  Once you get onto another subject, and if you can focus yourself on some pain until you get there, you can often avoid a lot of awkwardness. 

I feel my voice going as soon as I start, "We lost a little boy today - he was only nine."  A tear escapes as I try to blink it away. 

Luke looks lost for a moment, and I don't really expect him to do anything.  I lean forward and put my face in my hands for a bit and gather myself again.  He scoops up the fish and chips and moves them to the other side of him, so he can slide across and put his arms around me. 

"I'm sorry - that really sucks" he says quietly, with his cheek against my shoulder. 

I'm actually really surprised at how comforting his touch is.  I was okay, but with his arms around me it feels different again - like it's alright to cry and talk about it, and even that doing that might help with moving on.  I turn into him and press my face against his neck. 

"He was so scared at first, but then he calmed right down.  He knew he was dying, and he just wanted to talk to his parents about it, but they couldn't take it."  I'm not crying, but it feels good to put my emotions into words.  Debriefing is never something I've placed much importance on at work, but I guess I did used to do it with Matt, when he was home.  "They kept telling him he was going to be fine, but he knew they were lying.  I think he just felt relieved in the end."

Luke looks curious but wary, "Was he awake for it all?"

I bring my face up again and straighten up, "Most of it - he was burnt."

"Shit."  He keeps one arm around me and seems to be trying to think of more to say, but I don't need or want him to.

I reach across him for another chip and just want to leave it alone.  "It's over now -  tell me what you did.  - Did you see your Mum?"

He slides the chips closer onto his lap and looks at me unsurely for a moment before responding.  "Yeah - I told you not to worry about it."

I look at him sternly, "What happened?"

He sighs, "She just told me she thought I was making a big mistake and would end up getting hurt.  And I told her I wasn't going to stop seeing you, and she needed to keep out of it."  He pauses and then adds, "We're okay," shrugging his shoulders.

"Good - you need each other..." I trail off not wanting to sound like a psychologist or something.

Luke's quiet for a while, and then starts up like he's just recalled something.  "I told Greg about us today."

I'm surprised and don't really know what to say, "Oh."

"I didn't want you to think that I'm trying to hide you away.  I felt bad that you had to face Mum like that.  I can't exactly invite you round to my place for a family dinner, but I want you to feel comfortable coming in to work if you want ...when he's there."

I smile to him, "That's really nice - thanks."  I pause briefly while he's chewing on a bite of fish.  "What'd he say?"

He shrugs again, "Not a hell of a lot.  I didn't really give him that much chance - I just told him how it was."  He changes the subject, "We don't have to go out tonight.  I can just call Michael and..."

"No - I want to" I interrupt him firmly.  "I wanna get out of here and have some fun and just talk some shit ...after all the conversations we've had to have.  If it's too loud to talk that's fine too.  I really don't want to sit around here moping."

"Okay then."