Revival (Johanna's story with Luke Hemmings)

Chapter 51

51.
We go out for dinner on Friday night.  Luke sits across from me in a black Green Day T-shirt.  I tell him that I actually felt a bit jealous of my dog when I left for work this morning, and he wrinkles his forehead in a puzzled look.

"Well you two were snuggled up in exactly the same position I found you's in last night."  I ham up the envy, "I would have loved to have been able to just lie there and cuddle a while longer."

He grins, "Sorry I didn't stay awake last night.  I never go to sleep that early - I was just really whacked."

"It's cool" I assure him shrugging.

He looks up from his burger, "You do have an awesome dog."

"Uh, she was a pain when I took her for a walk this afternoon.  She kept lagging along behind and stopping to smell everything - I had to put her on the lead."

He looks a bit guilty, "I might have worn her out a bit.  Is she okay?  I ran for a while with her last night." 

"She should be able to handle that" I dismiss quickly.  "- Not that she's particularly used to people running though," I add in confession. 

I have another mouthful of Caesar salad and ponder how restaurants make it taste so much better.  "No wonder you were tired." 

He shrugs it off and asks me about the pottery class, and the rest of the meal passes in light but easy conversation, or comfortable quiet times.  It is pretty amazing that we've gotten to this point so quickly. 

We come back to my place and Luke lays out in what seems to be becoming his usual spot on the couch.  "Will you cuddle me now?" he looks up enticingly, patting the couch beside him and sliding across.

I smile and lie myself against him, resting my head on his outstretched arm.  He looks very serious,  staring up at the ceiling and with no interest in the TV.  I have no idea what he's thinking about but I almost feel like I need to brace myself as soon as he starts talking.

"I know that um... what we have is probably nothing like what you had with your husband..."  He looks the most vulnerable I have ever seen him.  "But... do you think it ever could be?"

Fuck, I take a deep breath.  I don't want to overthink it, so I risk just letting my thoughts come straight out.  "I don't want to ever compare people and relationships.  I feel like I've gotten to know you so quickly, but... I don't know, it's not like I was deliberately hurt before ...but having that happen has made me more wary.  I think I'm past thinking you're gonna do something to shock me, but I do still have a few doubts about us staying on the same kind of path with life, over time."

He rests his free arm across his forehead and gazes off into space again.  "Do you actually want to see what happens with us though?"

"Yeah - I couldn't stop now" I admit to myself and him.  He looks less harrowed.  "How come you're thinking like this when you're only nineteen?" 

"I'm allowed to have some baggage too, you know" he smiles, turning over onto his side and reaching his top arm across me.  "No I just... I cared about Caitlin - not as much as I care about you - but enough to get hurt when she didn't feel the same."  He pauses, "And I guess I just feel restless from the time I wasted as a belligerent teenager."

His eyes are really blue as I look into them.  "I think that's what being a teenager is about - don't be too hard on yourself" I offer.  His expression doesn't change.  "Did you swallow a dictionary by the way?" I attempt to lighten the mood.

"What - belligerent?" he smiles a bit.  "I left school early, but I can read."

"I'm just teasing" I say unnecessarily, then get more serious again.  "I like you a whole lot and I'm not just passing time.  I do want to see if we can have a future together." 

His smile becomes wider and unreserved, "Cool - that's all I need to know."  He wriggles his arm underneath me and I lift my head.  He shifts his arm, "Sorry, it's going to sleep."  He continues on, "I don't have a crystal ball, and I don't care.  I just want us to have a chance." 

I feel the emotion rise in me, "You are the sweetest person I think I've ever met."  It's just a sincere and uncontrived compliment, and I'm sure he takes it that way initially, but then he decides to hassle me.

"Sweet.  Fuck Jo - are you trying to slaughter my ego?"  He's trying to hide the smile on his face that gives him away.  "I put myself out on a limb for you, and you give me that.  Couldn't I be sexy or ...wild, or something?"

"I don't think I need wild in my life right now." 

"Neither do I" he concedes quickly, and then changes the subject completely.  "I have to work tomorrow - only nine till two.  What time's your Dad's party?"

"Oh, Mum wants everyone there by six, to surprise him when they come in.  She's told him they're going to some floristry awards dinner - he'll definitely be relieved at least."  I rub my temples and turn on my side towards him.  "You can come later if you've got other stuff to do, or..."

"No, it's alright" he interrupts me. 

"Can we take one of your cars? - he'd recognise mine."

"Sure." 

I look across at him and hesitate a moment, "When was the last time you saw your Dad?"

"Uh" he groans, "I went out with him a couple of times after he moved out.  The last time we went to the zoo ...but it felt like he was treating me like a little kid and he wouldn't even really answer my questions.  I was really pissed off with him, and I don't know, it was kind of like a betrayal of Mum to see him.  He asked a few more times, but I didn't go, and then I didn't hear any more from him.  - It'd be at least three and a half years."

I sigh, our heads only inches apart.  "That's really shit" I say lost in thought, then snap back.  "I mean he must have had stuff going on, but..."

"Do you know the worst bit?" Luke asks, but isn't looking for a response, and continues.  "It was when he just gave up on me.  And he'd never even given me a way of contacting him." 

I'm lost for anything to say and end up just putting my arm out around him.  He's quiet for several minutes, and then I hear him chuckle lightly.

"What?" I pull back surprised.

"Oh it's just... I've never told anyone that.  The school arranged for this counsellor to talk to me at the time, but she just spun all this crap about adult problems and that I didn't understand, and she made all these excuses for him."  He pauses, "If she had just said it was shit then we might have gotten somewhere."

I smile, "I'm glad me being at a loss for words is actually helpful."  We're quiet again for a while and then I have to ask, "Would you want to see him now? ...if you could."

He turns away and yawns, and then rubs his hand through his hair.  "Only if he initiated it - I don't need to be rejected again."

We eventually shift to the bedroom and keep talking far too late, though it is much lighter and sleepier conversation.  There's no awkwardness around us not having sex, and I can't believe how much closer again that I feel to him, by the end of the night.