In the Wake of the War

Chapter-18

Arjun watched from the balcony in his quarters as The Queen and Prince of Anga left. They must have had to leave soon anyway, given that they could hardly spend the whole time in Hastinapur and they were supposed to return in two weeks anyway.

Yet Arjun could not not help but feel that this was because of the Incident with him and Vrishaketu. It was his fault that the boy did not feel safe in the Palace. His brothers' as well, but it was mostly his.  And no one could blame the boy.

As the memories of his terrible nightmare from last night flooded his mind, Arjun shuddered. He knew it was a result of his conversations with Vrishaketu. Since a couple of weeks after the war, he had become numb. He hadn't been sure if he had liked it and he had wondered what would happen when the numbness disappeared. He had got his answer now. And he would much rather have the numbness back.

The nightmare was most certainly a result of the opening of emotional gates. Till now... Arjun had certainly felt guilty for killing his eldest brother but... Karna had never really been his eldest brother. His absence had not really affected his life in any major away. But now... with Vrishaketu and the Angarani... Arjun could...could feel what he done. 

He didn't really have any personal connection with any other orphans of war, because... all the children themselves were dead. But now there was Vrishaketu, the last remaining male of their next generation, and his... his nephew. And Arjun himself had destroyed his life by his very own hands. The boy feared him. He could see how the deaths at his own hands had affected the boy.

And now, the grief of his eldest brother's death really hit him.

It still seemed unreal that somehow the Angaraj was their eldest brother. And they knew nothing about him. They had only ever known him as an enemy. And it was all because their mother had never said a word to them about the truth, despite her eldest son being right in front of her eyes.

It seemed he would have to talk to his mother.

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This was the first time Arjun ever felt awkward while entering his mother's chambers, but given that things that been rather stilted between them five brothers and their mother recently, Arjun hadn't had a proper conversation, that wasn't just small talk or niceties, with Kunti since she had revealed the truth.

As he entered his mother's chambers, her face lit up.

"Come in, my dear." She said, setting aside her book and rushing to him.

Arjun looked at her with a bland look on his face as she pulled him to sit on the sofa and fussed over him, commenting on how he had not been taking care of himself properly, in the recent days.

When he didn't respond, she quietened as well. 

"Arjun?" she asked, hesitantly.

"You asked Angaraj Karna to spare our lives." He said abruptly.

His mother flinched slightly. 

"I did." She replied in an even tone of voice.

"You asked him to do so, even when he refused to join our side, knowing that I wouldn't grant him the same courtesy."

"He didn't promise to spare your life." Said Kunti mildly.

"Regardless," Arjun continued, undeterred. "You were concerned about us of course, but were you not concerned about his death?"

"Of course, I was. That's why I went to him. To ask him to join our side."

"That's why you wanted him to join our side? Not so that we would remain safe from him?"

"Both were not mutually exclusive." Kunti said with a sad smile. "At least, I thought so. You were brothers, you shouldn't have had to fight to the death."

Then why did you not tell us before, Arjun wanted to scream.

"But we did. You could have told us then at least, when you told him."

Kunti sighed, "I wanted, to but he asked me not to. And given that I had done nothing for him so far in life, I didn't want to go against his wishes even then."

For the first time in his life, Arjun found himself getting truly angry with his mother. 

"So this was you doing something for him? You should have still told us. It was all of our right to know. It was our right to know from the beginning, but well... By that point, that could hardly be helped. But when you told him, you should have told us as well."

Kunti looked down. "I promised him I wouldn't."

A sharp pain went through Arjun as he thought of how much their eldest brother must have not wanted them, if he made their mother promise to not reveal the truth to them. But he ignored that. Right now, he was angry at his Mother.

And that made him a little hurtful. 

"Were you happy though, to get the promise of five sons from him?"

Kunti looked at him warily. "I was not happy, of course, but I was as satisfied as I could be in such a terrible situation."

"You were satisfied? You knew Madhav would always protect me. You knew it would be him dying. Would you you have been so satisfied, if there had been a much greater chance of me dying?"

Kunti's eyes widened. "No of course, I would have never--"

"So, it is better that he is dead than I?" Arjun cut her off, feeling a very strange burning sensation in his chest.

"I-I--" Kunti faltered, looking down. "I have the five sons I've always had." she said quietly, in the end.

Arjun stared at her. "You were his mother." He said, numbly. "Did you not love him?"

His mother was teary eyed now. "Of course, I did. But I didn't know him so well. I didn't raise him, like I did you. I would have always chosen you."

At any other time, such a statement might have made him happy. Now though, it made him sick.

"No." He said. "No."

Kunti reached out to him but he stepped back. "Arjun--"

"I know you love us five brothers so much," he said, mournfully. "But if only you had had as much courage as love... we would not have been in this state today. We  would have have had an elder brother, a sister in law who was actually like an elder sister to us, and nine loving nephews."

Thinking of that...of Another World, where Vrishaketu might have gazed at him in love and awe instead of hatred and fear... it broke him.

He could not stay here anymore. When his mother did not meet his eyes, he turned away.

"I will speak with you later, Mother. For now I must take a break from Hastinapur. I'll be back in a week. I'll leave for Dwarka tonight."

Now there was only Madhav who could provide solace to him.

WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?! I HAD SAID I WOULDN'T WRITE MADHAV-PARTH BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE MADHAV OR HOW TO WRITE THEIR INTERACTIONS, BUT NOW I HAVE PUSHED MYSELF TO A DEAD END AND SET MYSELF TO DO EXACTLY THAT 😭😭😭.

Also, this conversation, did not go the way I had expected.