Uncontrollable Feeling

Chapter 1

Kristal Anderson

I wonder how badly it would hurt if I threw myself out this window.

Would it be enough to kill me?

Or just merely enough for some minor injuries?

A broken leg? An arm? This window is only on the second floor. Would that be enough to shut my mind off for just a moment?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal by any means but sometimes my mind just. . . wandered off. And after being inside for 92 whole days, my mind had started to wander off alot more.

My mind wandered off and I thought about what it would be like to be in complete silence, what it would be like to have just a moment of nothingness, a moment without any thoughts, without any feelings, without any pain.

Again; I am not suicidal.

I would never actually go through with it . . . not for my sake but for the sake of the only person I care about. Aunt Jenna; the woman who gave up everything to raise me, my mother's best friend and my guardian angel after she passed. I would never put her through such pain.

She gave up so much to get me where I am today it would be the biggest fuck you on my part.

So I've tried to find ways to keep my mind from wandering too far; through distractions. Reading. Cleaning up my room. Rearranging my room. Doing push-ups until my arms give out. Sit ups. Planks. Anything I could think of.

But the most effective one had been what I likes to call 'people watching'. My reading nook was where I spent most of my days, it's placed right against my window giving me the perfect view of my neighborhood.

I'd sit in my reading nook for countless hours watching people live their normal lives; going to work, going on a run, walking their dogs and probably taking their ability to go out for granted.

I know I did. And now, I would do anything to get my life back, to go back to work and pretend that this period was nothing but a really bad nightmare, I would do anything to get away from these four walls.

But I knew that the possibilities were slim.

Not when he could get a hold of me at any given moment.

"You know, this doesn't have to be such a depressing period of your life," Aunt Jenna's voice pulled me out of my thoughts. I averted my eyes from the street below and looked back at her, she stood there with a bright smile across her face- a smile that always found a way to make my day a little bit better- and a pile of my folded laundry in her arms.

I forced my lips upright into a smile, the movement had started to feel so foreign to me, I didn't quite know if I was even doing it right. "I'm not," I told her as I got up from my nook and walked over to her taking the folded laundry from her arms, "and how many times do i have to tell you that you don't have to do my laundry,"

"Hmm about a thousand more times should suffice," She joked, I let out a chuckle putting the pile down on my bed and making my way back to my spot on my reading nook. The smile on her face dropped slightly, "but Kris i mean it, you're not trapped in your room, you know? You can walk around the house, get some fresh air in the backyard,"

"I know that," I muttered. As much as I wanted to go outside again, being inside these past 92 days has done nothing but propel my fear of the outside. These four walls of my room had been my biggest companion. They've seen the tears I shed, they've heard my silent prayers to whoever was responsible for this, they've seen me observe happy families in the neighborhood; they know how much I wish that was me. They had become my safe place, I felt as though outside these walls was my personal hell, that bad things happened if I was away from them. That he could catch me if I left these walls.

"But I do leave my room . . . sometimes," And by sometimes I mean when I remembered that I'd been sitting in my nook for hours and had forgotten to eat so I made a quick trip to the kitchen to find myself something to eat or when aunt Jenna and I occasionally had our movie nights.

"Kris, you're worrying me dear," I felt my breath get caught up in my throat. I couldn't stand knowing that I was something she needed to worry about; a burden, "you know I'm only doing this to protect you, right?" She asked. Protect me. Worry about me. That's all she's ever done. She has sacrificed so much for me and I couldn't help but feel completely and utterly guilty for it. She sacrificed her happy-ever-after just to protect me.

I nodded, "I know and I couldn't be more grateful." I told her with a smile, a genuine one, "but I'm fine, the weather's finally nice out I'll start going out to the backyard again, soaking up the sun, you know," I chuckled trying to lighten up the mood.

"I'll definitely be joining you," She grinned walking towards me holding her manicured hands out to me I held mine out and intertwined our fingers, she gave my hands a reassuring squeeze, "This won't last forever you know? One day you'll go back to working and all of this will be ancient history,"

I tried to pull my lips into another smile but they failed me, "One day. . . that could be a year from now, two, three even," I let out a sigh before I continued, "Aunt Jenna it's been three months, three whole months and we haven't heard a single thing from him. I don't know maybe he just doesn't remember me or he's just choosing to live the rest of his days on his own without bothering me," I said, trying to sound as optimistic as I could.

"Kris don't be naive, must I remind you what he did to your mother?-"

"No!" I said a bit too forcefully, gaining wide eyes from aunt Jenna, "I mean no, I know what he did to her I know what kind of a monster he is. I wasn't thinking straight so just um scratch that option. . . but maybe we could just get a restraining order against hi-"

She cut me off with a scoff, "You think a stupid piece of paper is gonna stop your father from getting to you and doing God knows what? Kristal I am not taking any chances with you," In a matter of seconds her eyes started glistening with tears, "I have known you since your first day on this earth, raised you since you were nine, Kristal I've made many sacrifices in order to raise you into a woman your mother would be proud of and all those sacrifices have been worth it because you're here. Sitting in front of me, beautiful and healthy. I will do whatever it takes to keep things that way," a single tear runs down her left eyes, "I've already lost your mother. . . I can't lose you too," Her voice broke at the end of her sentence and right there and then I felt my heart shatter along with it.

I was up on my feet not a second later my arms wrapped themselves around her neck pulling her into a tight hug, "I'm sorry I didn't wanna make you cry. I-I just get these ideas sometimes but now I realize how stupid they are. You won't lose me, ever," I pulled away from the embrace, "I'll stay inside until it's safe to go out and then everything will go back to normal," I forced my lips into a smile. She returned the smile and nodded along.

Before she could open her mouth to prolong the conversation, the sound of a truck engine coming from the outside caught both of our attention, averting our eyes to my window. The truck stopped right on the house across from ours. That house had been vacant for a couple of months now.

Someone's moving in.

Chapter 1 done!!
Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it and I appreciate every single one of you.

Love,
J