A final goodbye

I still want to see you

Even though I know I shouldn't, I can't help but imagine you knocking on my door with a smile because you miss me so. I wish you could like me as much as I like you. But I feel like it's not fair for me to want something so selfish as you liking me back.

Even if I get the chance to be with you I don't think that would be enough for me. If anything I find that I'd rather enjoy the conflicting feelings that misleading relationships give me. I like not knowing what you're thinking and how you're feeling. It makes me feel like I'm on the edge of discovering a new experience. When I finally have you, I feel like I'll just look at you with no feeling after I finally won you over. You're not much to look at, you're not much to talk about, and in general you're not much at all. You're presence is overlooked, nobody would ever notice you.

There's nothing notable about you at all. And perhaps that's why I take such a liking to you. I'm expecting to find something deeper than what stands on the outside surface. But no matter how hard I try, I doubt I'd find anything. I feel like right now I'm speaking about you like an object. But maybe that's what I need. I don't need to look at you as a person, but as a man.

The hate I have for men only goes so deep. I don't want all men to disappear but sometimes I feel that is more beneficial for the good of human kind. All I want is to be adored and loved. But who says I need to get that from a man. For some reason I find myself these days wanting to enjoy the male gaze. As if I'll ever reach anything but fetishization and misogynistic views.

Still a girl can dream. And I dream of you. I dream of your tears bleeding into my sleeves as I hold you and tell you it's all going to be okay. Because god knows you're a messed up little man. How sick of me to hope you get better even if it's just a little bit.