Never Truly Living

Chapter 5

She spent the entire next day in bed. She woke up to a rare sunny morning, and the hopelessness that had coursed through her body the night before had faded, it had left her feeling the way she did before, numb.
Even though she didn't have much of an appetite, her mind and body were still reeling from the shock of the night before, but she ate three generous meals nonetheless. She tried her best not to think about why.
This numbness that she felt now was a different kind, this one reminded her of the way she felt when her mother died. It had left her, aged fifteen, an orphan. It was not sadness, but shock, her mind's way of coping with life-altering events.
When she could keep her mind off it, she only felt shaken, it was tolerable. But if she paused, even for a few moments to think about it, she risked falling apart all over again, her breath hitching, her thoughts tumbling around.

So, she chose to keep her mind occupied, reading and eating, looking out at the city from her window, she was surprised at how different it looked in the sunlight.
She kept on that way for several days, trying her best to keep busy, cleaning the flat, walking around and reading. She found that watching TV was a great way to keep her mind free of thought, and she spent many hours watching the news, or documentaries and films. But with any mention of pregnancy or babies or even small children, she was rapidly changing the channel, or occasionally fleeing to the safety of her bookshelf, sometimes taking off on a brisk walk.

She was taking great care to eat healthy, even though she still found it very hard to admit why, to accept that she wasn't  doing it only for her own health.

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A week passed before the shock of the revelation began to fade. She knew that acceptance was still far away, but she was beginning to feel less unsettled about her situation. Thoughts of her condition were still strange to her, and she still couldn't believe that a life was growing inside her.
She knew it was living, because even as the week passed the small little bump grew larger. She had been starting to gain weight as well, she had began eating better. Her body became, day after day, more ample and robust.
She was surprised to see that she didn't mind the changes that happened to her as her condition progressed. As November slowly faded into December and winter threatened, she found herself becoming less and less uncomfortable with her condition. It was in part due to the changing of her body, and the signs she could now not ignore.
In the two weeks since she'd discovered her pregnancy, the barely noticeable swelling had become a clear bulge, creeping upwards and was almost visible underneath her thin tops.
It was this which made her realize she needed to see a doctor soon, no matter the consequences of it. It had been more than three months since she left the hospital, and the child within her was beginning to make its presence known as well.
One morning, she left the safety of her flat, a telephone number clutched in her hand and called the local clinic from the payphone across the street. She didn't trust her own phone, and she would not be surprised to learn that M had bugged her phone.
After checking to make sure she wasn't being watched nor followed, she called and informed the receptionist of her likely condition and progress. She was given an appointment for two weeks in the future. She hung up, and turned to scan the street for anyone suspicious, but there was no one.  She continually looked over her shoulder on the way back to the flat, making sure that she wasn't being followed. She wasn't. The slight ghost of a smile graced Vesper's face when she realized how distrustful she was acting, and how James would have been proud.

This is it, then. She thought, as she returned to her flat, flopping down on the comfortable sofa, You're really going to do this. The thought of terminating the pregnancy had crossed her mind, it had been one of her first thoughts she had in the shock of the discovery. During that time it was so simple, removing the problem would put her back on track, it would allow herself the liberty of recovering on her own terms. It would be difficult for her, yes, to get rid of the only thing James had left her, but she would not be cursing an innocent child with the sins and pasts of its parents.
But as time passed and acceptance bloomed in her mind, she knew that she couldn't. It was going to be the hardest thing she ever did, raising this child on her own, she knew that.