Never Truly Living

Chapter 6

As the weekend ended, the baby's small fluttery movements became stronger, they were now clear pokes and jabs. Often, she would sit on the sofa, or lie in her bed, and press on her belly, responding to her child's movements. Sometimes, the baby would move so quickly that she couldn't respond to the movement fast enough, it had become a sort of game for her. It startled her that her child could now be felt, that it moved and slept and lived, it was completely new territory for her.

This attachment that she had to this life inside her a few weeks ago, was nothing compared to the affection and love she felt now. She could now feel and interact with her child, it filled her with longing and impatience to see it with her own eyes, to be able to hold it and rock it to sleep in her arms.

She was less uneasy about her appointment with the doctor, it was barely a week away now. The fact that she could now feel her child's movements, had made her feel more confident that her baby was healthy.
She was still slightly uncomfortable with letting anyone in on her little secret, feeling as if keeping it to herself would make sure that would was fine.

Vesper often wondered if she was being paranoid about how concerned MI6 was in her health. M still had absolutely no idea about her pregnancy, she knew that much. If she did know, she wouldn't have hesitated to let Vesper know. So then why would she have any interest in Vesper's health? Vesper had recovered physically from her accident in Venice, and M was perfectly aware of that.

Her apprehension over the appointment loomed over her as the days counted down to the eighteenth of December, and as her midsection grew and her child became stronger, the kicks and flutters becoming even more constant, barely ever stopping for more than an hour or two.

She woke early on the day of December eighteenth. It was overcast and fat raindrops were falling lazily to the ground.
She got up and ate, she showered and brushed her teeth. Vesper spent a moment pondering her reflection in front of the mirror, naked, amazed at how much her body had changed over the four weeks since she'd discovered her pregnancy. Her little bump had become a noticeable swollen rounding, straining and pushing her abdominal muscles. Her bump had creeped up towards her ribcage, she had noticed that in the past few days she'd been becoming increasingly short of breath.
She was still fairly comfortable with her bump, she still had the usual aches and pains as her body accommodated for her baby's growth, and the urge to use the restroom, which felt like nearly every few minutes. She constantly poked and prodded at her bump, still having trouble believing that it was her body, which had always been so petite and slim.
She never imagined her petite body could grow to this, that it could expand to nourish and feed another life. She smiled at herself in the mirror, running a hand over her belly.
She had noticed that she had gained a little bit of weight in her face as well, and the large, dark, under-eye circles that had been ringing her eyes for these past few months had lightened. She looked much healthier now, her cheeks were pink and her blue-green eyes bright, her dark hair was full and vibrant, not lank and lifeless around her face anymore. She decided that pregnancy agreed with her.
She dressed herself warmly, wearing a big wool sweater, the only piece of clothing that she owned that could still hide her bump, and a coat, hat as well as her umbrella.
Fear began to creep in as she walked to the clinic, the soft rain helping her calm down slightly. She took a deep breath to help her relax before entering the clinic. She shook off her soaking umbrella, feeling much calmer.
She checked in at the front desk and sat down in the waiting room. She was one of four people waiting in the room, there was a woman much more pregnant than she was, an elderly couple, and her. The woman smiled at her, and Vesper found herself pulling at the front of her sweater, hoping her swollen abdomen wasn't visible.
She was called in quickly, and a moment of hesitation was met when her new name was called, she still wasn't used to it. She entered the stark white room and sat down on the exam table.
She was controlling her breathing, and staring ahead at the anatomical posters on the wall. But still, her pulse was quick, and the baby, perhaps sensing its mother's distress, woke from its morning nap and began some frenzied kicking and twisting. This calmed her slightly, and she pushed at the little bump in her side, gently stroking her child's foot for a moment before it disappeared.

Soon after, the doctor entered, a smile on his face. He introduced himself as Dr. Andrews and extended his hand to her. She took it, shaking it politely. He had a slight American accent, evidently having spent time abroad.

"What can we do for you today?" he asked, sitting down at the desk, and placing her file on it.
She took a deep breath before telling him, she glossed over things she'd rather not discuss, and matters of national security, and as she continued, the man nodding impassively at her story, writing in her file from time to time, she found it getting easier.
Four months of her life spilled out, and when she was done, she took a deep breath, she felt better somehow, lighter.
She looked up at the doctor, who was now writing in her file on the desk. He seemed unfazed by her story, and asked her when her last period had been, she nearly laughed, it felt so long ago. As if it was another lifetime. But still, she thought back, and told him the date. He wrote it down. He asked her about alcohol, about smoking, diet and drugs. She told him, proud of her abstinence. He asked about family history and she told him of her father's struggle with alcohol, and what little else she could remember.

"And the father?" he asked, looking up at her.

"He's not involved." she said, and looking away. She started taking deep breaths again, looking out the small window at the grey sky, trying to push back the thoughts of James that came to her. When she was calm, she looked back down. The doctor was still writing.

"Alright," he said, when he'd finished writing, "I'm just going to take a look at you, if you don't mind."

He took her blood pressure, Vesper winced slightly as the cuff cut into her arm, then he wrote it in her file. He then motioned for her to lie down on the table, which she did. She took a deep breath as he pulled up her top, revealing her swollen stomach to another person for the first time. She looked up at the ceiling as he poked and prodded her belly. The baby was still moving constantly, and at one point he smiled and looked down at her.

"You feel the movements?" he asked, and she nodded. "Any morning sickness?"

She shook her head.

"Cramping? Spotting?"

Again, she shook her head. He seemed satisfied with her responses and helped her up. She pulled her shirt back down again, the doctor sat back down at the desk, and wrote more in her file. Once he was done, he turned to her.
"Your pregnancy seems to be progressing well, Miss Lewis, and there are no signs of any anomalies. You'll need a scan, my office will schedule it."
She nodded.
"Now, you are quite a bit further along than most patients I see. I believe you are a little more than nineteen weeks along, so it is important to get a scan as soon as possible. I'll do my best to try and get you an appointment in the next week or so, alright?"
"Okay," she replied.
"Now, have you put any thought into a birth plan, or where you're going to deliver?"
Vesper shook her head, smiling apologetically.
The doctor nodded. "You've still got time," he said, smiling. "See the nurse before you leave, and I'll get back to you about that scan, alright?"
She nodded, and thanked him.
"And, oh," he said, as she was walking out to leave, she stopped and turned to him, "I suppose you would like to know your due date?"
She nodded. She had completely forgotten to ask.
"Most likely around early May, but I can't be too sure. They'll be able to give you a more exact date after your scan, alright?"
Vesper nodded and left. May. Five more months and she would be a mother. It was difficult for her to believe. She could just smile and shake her head.
As she walked home from her appointment she felt like a great weight had been lifted by finally speaking to someone about her pregnancy. She felt accomplished, as if a large hurdle had been cleared. She felt encouraged by the doctor's findings, and his assurances that she was healthy and that the baby was developing well. There was still the scan, and she knew that there would be several more appointments after that. But it was enough for the moment.
When she reached her flat it was still raining, and she made herself a cup of tea and curled up on the sofa, staring at the wet city, feeling much better than she had in some time.