Venus

four little holes

»How's your food darling?« I ask him as I notice he hasn't touched his plate. I made his favourite dinner. Well, I assume it's his favourite dinner as he always eats it up. »Come on, eat it baby, .«

He looks at me with those beautiful moss green orbs of his. He is so wonderful. He is gorgeous. He is adorable. He is a very good listener and doesn't talk too much. Especially when he is not supposed to speak. He knows when the calming tone of his voice is right for me to hear. He loves my food, too.

»Eat baby.« I tell him again smiling brightly cutting my meat into pieces but the look on his face changes. His smile fades and worry spreads all over his face. Is this about the job interview again? Ugh, I don't know why he thinks that it's such a big of a deal. So? The CEO didn't like him. What about it? He'll find another job. Probably. Maybe. Hopefully.

I poke the fork into his meat while analyzing the cause of the worried look on his beautiful face.
His body flinched for a second but tensed immediately after that. What is wrong? Maybe it is because his mom called and told him she feels a little sick since the last couple of days. Maybe that's the reason for the worried look on his beautiful face. Maybe he is worried about his mother. Maybe he is tangled in the thoughts of her being an old lady that could die at any moment. Maybe he is worried that even this little illness or food poisoning could kill her. Maybe he is worried she'll die. God, forbid.

As I pick up the fork I notice I was so focused on my melancholic husband that I haven't poked into meat and only got the yummy reddish gravy on the fork. If he doesn't want meat he at least has to try the gravy I made. I hold the fork to his mouth trying not to drip the sauce as it is harder to get out than wine or blood.

»I- I am not hungry honey. But thank you for the lovely meal. I am just not hungry.« He states shaking while tears begin to form in his eyes. Why is he not hungry? Has he already eaten outside? Maybe he has met up with someone? Maybe he has eaten with our neighbour?  Maybe he has eaten with that bitch that can't take her eyes of him? The one he already talks so much too. He thinks I don't see them when they meet at the mailboxes. Meeting and exchanging »Good morning«'s and »What a beautiful day.«'s. Them bounding, he thinks I don't see that.

He thinks I don't see him betraying me.

»I'm sorry baby but I'm not hungry. I'm- I'm so sorry.« He apologizes but the false guilt he acts out is sickening. »I'm sorry I know you- you put so much work into it.«
He expects me to trust his lies again. He really wants me to believe all the crap coming out of his mouth.
The worried look on his beautiful face? It's about me finding out, isn't it? He is worried I'll leave him. He is worried I will find out about him and the neighbour.

He thinks I don't already know.

»Eat!« I demand beginning to shake as my eyes fill up with tears. He cries out flinching which makes me even madder. What is it with him? Everytime I have something nice for us to do he ruins it by reminding me of his unfaithfulness.
He reminds me that I'm not enough and that he could try to leave me any second. He reminds me that he doesn't love me anymore, that he learned to hate me. Oh, he can't even stand being in the same room as I. That's why he is backing away, right? It's already happening. He is distancing himself from me.

»Please, baby, I- I am not hungry!« He cries out clinging his left hand around palm of his right one. Something red is dripping down his fingers. Oh, my Lord, is he bleeding?!
»Honey, what happened to your hand!?«I yell at him trying to help him. He moves away and that's when I notice the bruises on his arms going up to his neck. Bluish, brownish, yellow-greenish ones.
»Baby?! Your arms!« My voice is loud and so freaked out.

»Please, sweetheart, I'll eat the blood but please don't yell- Don't hit!« His voice is pained and his face doesn't look like anything else. He tries shielding his face as he puts his arms up giving me a clear look to the four little holes in the palm of his hand.
Four little holes.
»I'll lick up all the mess I made. Just don't hurt me. I- I love you.«

That is the moment I realize.
That isn't a worried look on his beautiful face.
It is a terrified one.