Diary of a grieving heart

day 15

I thought it would be easier today but it's not. When I woke up everything seemed absurd, your absence was absurd the house without your voice was absurd even me making coffee only for dad and not for you seemed absurd. I loved making your coffee in the morning even if that meant being late for school but seeing the satisfaction in your eyes was really worth it. I went to school thinking that today was a little bit easier. It was a sunny day today after such a long time and I could really focus on the lesson a little bit even though you're always at the back of my mind. Than I came home with my brother all the windows and the doors were open and I rushed upstairs forgetting and looking for you inside but I couldn't find you mom. You were not here, you hadn't prepared lunch like always and you weren't waiting for us in the balcony but is it my fault for hoping? Maybe it is because I get even more upset at the end. I made lunch for brother dad and myself even though I didn't feel hungry at all but now I have to look after them. Than I came to your room and laid down on your bed to take a nap just like we used to do every day before you left. My pillow has been soaked with tears every night so it was only fair to cry at your absence in the afternoon as well. When I woke up it was dark sister had already come home and she was preparing dinner...she must've been tired. I want to help her out, I want to lessen her burden and yet I went to sleep selfishly. I can't enter that room without seeing your casket in there or remembering your still warm body but unmoving. I looked at my sister and the tears started to flow again from both of us. We talked about you, well we could barely talk between sobs but just looking at each other was enough. Dad came and even though we wiped our tears away I know he saw. We ate dinner quickly and quietly...it has been like this ever since you left. Everything is too quiet. I tried to look at my lessons but i can't. Tomorrow there's a parent meeting in school....you used to come to all of mine. Other mothers will come there tomorrow and for the first time ever me and my brother will be looking out of the window, waiting for you to show up. I'll leave before the parents arrive, I don't want to look at them, I don't want to feel the envy for those who still can hug their mothers and I don't want to wish for anyone to feel the pain I feel. I think I'm starting to feel the pain now because the first days I was too shocked, too dumbfounded and your presence was still so strong. Everyone keeps saying that life goes on and I must be strong but life isn't going on it hasn't been going on since the moment you stopped breathing and I stopped living in the present but instead in the memories I have of you. There's so much love I couldn't give to you and now it has no place to go so it's starting to tear my soul appart. Each day it feels like I'm dying slowly and it's funny how I used to say that before this happened it seems I hadn't really tried being a walking corpse. I would have kissed you goodnight now or I would've cuddled and slept with you but now I can't and I still don't want to believe it. I love you so much mom and I'm sorry for all the times I didn't say it.