Diary of a grieving heart

Day 17

I woke up early today after seeing you in a dream...you haven't left me alone d I'm so grateful that you try to visit me every night. It's literally the only thing that keeps me going I wake up everyday and can't wait for the day to be over so I can go to sleep and if I'm lucky enough to get a glimpse of you of your warmth and your love. I was fasting today and praying for you, it's so weird right? I was always the non believer kind the one that ignored all these kind of things but now I have changed. It feels like the entire world has changed and it really has. From that moment it's like somebody lifted a thick curtain from my eyes and I see everything differently now. People say you must keep moving on life's not over or we don't know when we're gonna die. You think I care about any of that? I don't. And I don't want to hear it, I don't want them calling u I don't want them checking up on us. They never did before so why should they now. Or is it the guilt? The guilt for not being there for you,  the guilt for putting all their burdens on you and that you never complained. I used to talk all day our house would never be quiet and now it feels just like the ruins of an abandoned building. It's not a home anymore not without you. We were at the cemetery today and visited you...well not you just the place where you were buried. I couldn't believe where I was going even though I took three flowers with me they're from the plant you planted with your own hands. That place feels cold to me it feels strange. I don't feel you there mom. But than I remembered the moment I saw your casket being lowered into the ground. You really are there and my eyes filled with tears. I am sick today mom and brother is as well but despite that we wanted to visit you. Now I don't have you to check up on us to sleep with us or make us tea to stay up all night to check our temperature. And I'm scared. I'm do scared because I've never been sick without you, even when you were at your worst you would still take care of us. I need you mom...we all do. My head feels like it's a ticking bomb and am I selfish for wishing it would blow up..better sooner than later.
I love you
I really do.