Diary of a grieving heart

New Month

Today is the first day of a New month. New beginnings, New days without you again. I find it very hard to concentrate on the present, I can't concentrate on the lessons even now when I'm supposed to study I just can't stand to look at the books. And you know what mom? I won the Olympiad and I'm going to the finals. I wasn't happy when I heard that I didn't feel anything and than a random wave of grief hit me. I never went to those Olympiads for myself I always did it for you because it made you proud and we used to go together than get something good to eat..I won but you're not here to share it with me. I wish I didn't win. It's useless to go without you. I live in my own head mostly, it's easy to get caught in daydreaming, I imagine scenarios where I left this world instead of you and it brings me so much peace. Did you feel any peace when you left? Did you feel at peace knowing we are fine and well and still here? I would have felt at peace but maybe because I wasn't the glue holding everything together. I would've felt at peace because I would no longer be a burden but not that you ever were one. I don't see you in my dreams anymore...are you mad at me mom?
I miss you endlessly