Kaz Brekker Imagines

The Day She Says Goodbye

Kaz Brekker is not the type for pretty sentiment nor glowing praise. It is notoriously difficult to be near him as anything more than an enemy, which is part of what makes the Dregs so deadly as a gang. If they can put up with Dirtyhands for months at a time without losing their minds or their will to live, well, they can do just about anything. So they do.

You, then, are a wholly different substance. Not only are you Kaz's friend, you're in a relationship with him. Every damned soul this side of the True Sea and half those on the foreign shores, too, know not to mess with Kaz's girl. You convinced the coldest heart in the world to fall in love, that must count for something.

You'd like it to count for something, at least, and at the beginning, it did. You and Kaz were unstoppable. He had a goal to rise above the ranks of petty thugs and street criminals, to lead the best Barrel gang and crush the others while he was at it. You helped him with it, and swore to be by his side until the sky finally fell.

It was good back then. More simple than now, at least, although it didn't feel that way. What you've learned since those early days is that money tends to bring more trouble than anyone expects. Sure, as someone who'll be a canal rat from their first breath until their last, you appreciate being able to have food in your stomach and a warm roof to keep you dry more than anyone, but you also know what it did to Kaz, and that's something terrible, too.

The problem with finally getting to the top is that you have to stay there as well. Kaz spends every waking moment scouting out his enemies, making sure they're too weak to stand against him and fighting them off if they ever reach that point. He runs through his sums and profits until the numbers swim behind his eyes. Business is booming, he's recruiting more loyal soldiers by the day, and through all of it, he makes less and less time for you by the hour.

You knew exactly what to expect when you fell in love with Kaz in the first place. Greed is his god, his servant, his lever, his only reason for existence. He likes to say that he controls it, but it controls him just as much. Remove gold from Kaz and his entire empire plummets. You share that too, you loved him just enough to keep making excuses for his wealth knowing it would fill your pockets too, but you're reaching your limit.

You didn't think you could feel lonely in a city like this. The Barrel is crawling with people of every kind, saints and sinners and criminals such as yourself. The Slat alone is filled to the brim with the other Dregs. You've befriended as many as you could stomach, using their teasing banter to fill the increasing gap between your ribs that Kaz had once filled.

Even stepping outside the door has you washed away in a flood of conversation. Dozens of languages spin from hundreds of windows. Walk two streets down and it's as if you've crossed five national borders. Ketterdam is a thriving mess of rotten civilization, thousands of souls spilling between your fingers wherever you go. It has never been quiet, and when the silence threatens to tear you apart, constant noise is here whenever you need it.

Recently, you've relied on that ceaseless din more than ever before. You talk to your friends, you complete your jobs, you count your coin just like your boyfriend, but it doesn't stop you from remembering how it had felt to have Kaz back with you. You used to spend hours with him in his study, both of you poring through documents or mapping out a future.

Now, you can hardly take a step into his study without him asking you to leave him be. You're not the only one facing his wrath; Inej and Jesper have also shared similar stories, but it hits doubly hard when you remember that you're supposed to be the one easing the pain from Kaz's life. Every time you try to reach out, he cuts you off with a blow of business and profits. There's just no getting through to him.

So, you start pulling yourself back as well. The separation doesn't hurt nearly as much if you stop giving Kaz chances to reject you again and again. You stop taking the rickety steps up to Kaz's office, he never visited you anyway, so why should you waste your time on something he clearly doesn't want? Kaz never leaves his work for meals, so you stop inviting him to eat with you. Might as well save your breath for people who'll listen to you.