The yesterdays that were mine

A smile to die to

Nana sat in J-lit class, listening intently. She liked J-lit, she was good at it. Her teacher, Mr Amano, seemed to be the only teacher at this school who cared for both the subject and the student. She stared down at the worksheet that was handed to her, at the question; in your own words, what does this quote mean?

{ I wanted to be loved more than I wanted to be alive. for so long. I thought not "to be loved is good" but "to be loved is to be good" }

To Nana, this line alluded to the idea that love is earned, not some cosmic happening. And in some ways, that is a true statement. But it's also a way of saying that to prove to oneself that they are inherently good, they must be loved. But the thing is, bad people can be loved, which only really can cheer on their pre-existing faults. Not to say all faults are attributed to a bad person...because what even makes a bad person? To Nana, there aren't bad people, just people who weren't treated kindly when they should have been.

But to be loved by someone, for your own self, means that, perhaps you are good in the way of being honest, and kind. 'To be loved is to be good' consequently puts the responsibility of cherishing oneself onto another, making that person the one sole decider of whether all of a person's deeds and looks and words can combine into a category of 'good' or 'bad'.

She scribbled down a variation of those ideas onto the paper, and handed it back to Mr. Amano as he walked past. She could see the way he read her answer and nodded, stealing glances at Nana from across the room. She knew he would have something to say about her answer, he always did. So, as if by clockwork, once that final period bell rang off for the day, he called out.

"Komore, can I speak with you?" he said, and she finished packing away her belongings. Everyone had filtered out of the room when she made her way to his desk.

"Komore, your answer; could I ask you to tell me about it?" He smiled at her.

"On which part exactly?" she asked. He flicked his eyes to the paper, pointing to one line.

"The part where you said that there aren't bad people, that you believe they don't exist."

"I don't believe they do, no" she said, nodding to him.

"Tell me more about that idea" he smiled, leaning back in his chair.

"Well how can I, or anyone, decide whether a person is bad or not. In reality, we aren't judging the human being, we're judging their actions. I don't believe bad people exist. Bad actions do, but bad actions don't make bad people. They're just people."

"What about criminals, or supervillains? Not only are their actions bad, but so are their hearts" He asked. He always did. He liked to divulge Nana's mind, really juice her ideas.

"How can we know what is inside their hearts?" Nana looked at her hands. "Hurt people, hurt people. But it's the idea that we assign the label 'good' or 'bad' onto things because it's easier that way. A hero will beat up a villain; and that is good. A villain will beat up a hero; which is bad. Why do we decide for and against this same action in different circumstances? Are they not fundamentally the same? Much like how we as human bodies are fundamentally the same, so how can a person be good or bad?"

"You are incredibly intelligent, Nana...I think you will do some amazing things" his eyes softened, smile drooping slightly as Nana made eye contact with him. She saw her teacher's eyes dip from her face to her hands, then to her neck.

"And what about them?"

"What about who?"

"What about the boys who did that to you? Do you think they're bad people?"