Rowyn's Lullaby

Chapter Two: Now, I Cannot Dare to Sleep

My mother suggested to home school me, but I told her that would only please everyone else to know I was hiding in shame. She said, "I only want you to be happy." Maybe, and she wouldn't admit it, she knew that the only thing that would make me pleased was to be with him.

She had some understanding, unlike the rest of the people in town, that maybe I did love him or the idea of him. I never disclosed any feelings about previous relationships with her, much less a prickly and secretive one. She encouraged me to be honest with her and to come with her with questions about boys, but I felt like Arabella was a better source or any of the magazines that we read on the bus ride back to her house. My mom could not hide her disappointment about my choices from everyone though.

I know this because I heard her late one night when she couldn't sleep. She was awake at two a.m. I could hear my dad throw the covers off of himself and follow his aching wife into the kitchen. I obscured myself in the shadow of the wall over the staircase and silently looked on them.

"He's married to Amy for Chrissakes," she whispered to my father. I could see her pressing her hands against her temples to prevent an incoming migraine. She had not slept in almost a week. "Thinking about all of this makes me sick," she would say like broken record, repetitive and harsh on the ears. "She, she didn't deserve this" my mother struggled to speak.

"I know, and that's also why it's wrong that he tried to get with another woman," my father replied calmly. He hid his aggravation well.

The timer on the microwave dinged. Her herbal tea was ready.

"When I saw her last weekend in the supermarket, she was talking about taking a trip with Ben this summer." My father handed her a steaming mug. "She said work had been consuming both of them and that she was ready to have some alone time with him and their children."

I was repulsed by the images of in my head of them being alone. I wondered if he held her like he held me like a delicate angel. I felt my stomach turn at the thought of him running his hand along her thigh like he ran along mine. I felt my throat become dry picturing what he said about how much he loathed to touch her. I wanted to lunge myself down the stairs and end everything, but I stopped when I heard my father sigh.

"It's going to be hard to do that when he's behind bars," He muttered and fixed his tea with some sugar.

Another thought hit me like a crash of thunder on a quiet night. I could wait for him to be released from prison, and then after his wife had left him destitute, I would swing in with my caring heart and soothe him for the rest of our lives.

She sighed. "Amy's one of my dearest friends. She's always cared for him, and she became upset when she noticed his absence at home." She blew into her drink. "He would start meaningless disputes with her."

I felt like a cheerleader on the sidelines after hearing her comment about their "meaningless disputes." I was the one supporting him when he said that his wife was thinking about putting him on the couch or on the curb. I enjoyed watching the game until the other team started winning.

"He's been hanging out with our daughter, I guess."

"Yes, and I read it all over her face whenever I asked her how school was going. Her face was as red as this tabletop when I asked about his class." Her fine point nail tapped on the table. She paused to take a sip of her tea. "Amy was doing her best for him, but he's been trying to split with her. It's all because of his relationship with Rowyn."

I leaned my head against the wall at the top of the staircase. Salted tears rolled down my cheeks. A different crash of thunder shook through my body; I had ruined his marriage. I pulled myself up to slip back into the bedroom to muffle my sobs.