Rowyn's Lullaby

Chapter Three: On the Town

Ms. Williams wasn't there that afternoon to chase me off her property. I took my time until a couple came jogging by and blew past me. I blinked a few times to bring myself back to reality. The house was still there, not mine and not his. Never, would it be ours.

I began to feel the shakes coursing through my body. I decided it was time to go home before someone found me on the sidewalk in front of that house.

"How was school?" my dad asked when I walked into the house. He sounded like he cared about my education, but he was obviously more interested about how I was treated.

"It was okay, for a first day at least," I said and walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water. As I sipped my water, I reflected in the window above the sink. My mind drifted back to the conversations my dad and I had back in the spring.

At the high points, he was angry. When I came home from school after he knew, he was appalled, enraged, and threatening. Before I could set my bag down on the kitchen counter, he came trudging around the corner.

"Hey, dad," I said with sincerity in my voice.

"Cut the crap, Rowyn," he snapped. "What the hell were you thinking?"

Silence ensued and we stared at each other until he was through.

"God, child, I send you to school to get a good education so that you can make something of yourself, not to sleep with your fucking teacher," he said and jerked open the door of the fridge. He reached for a can of beer then stormed from the kitchen. His work boots were heavy thuds against the floor as he stomped around the house.

At the low points, he was still seething, but he was trying to be more compassionate. Like that day when he asked how school was going. He was concerned about me sleeping with another teacher or being bullied by the same group of kids who vandalized our house.

I set my cup into the sink and took the back staircase to my bedroom. My cat, Iggy, greeted me with a pathetic mew and leapt off of the windowsill. When I took a seat at the computer, she curled herself up in my lap and began purring. I sighed. It seemed to me that pets showed more tender affection than humans.

The junk category already had filled up exceptionally, considering it was only the first day of school. Carter taught me how to put the bullies' email addresses into that folder. Always, I had Carter to depend on when it got too difficult to handle.

I opened the first of many emails. It was from Arabella saying she wasn't going to be at lunch the next day because of a meeting for the yearbook. The next one was from Carter saying that I should call him as soon as I got home. I promised myself I would. After scrolling through many messages, I logged off of the computer and gently pushed the cat off of my lap.

Carter answered on the third ring.

"Hello." He said breathlessly.

"Hey, what's up?" I asked.

"Guess who asked me to hang out at the skate park tonight!?"

I guessed Tobias Benton, the only person who never gave Carter the time of day. To my shock, it was him. Unfortunately for most of the girls, Carter was gorgeous to them, but he could have cared less what girls thought of him. Of course, he was attractive, but he was undeniably gay and never thought about hooking up with someone of the opposite sex.

"It's probably a set up." I said.

"No, don't be so pessimistic." He pleaded jokingly. "I hope it's a real thing."

"Does he even skate?"

"Sometimes, but he says he has seen me."

The one thing about Tobias Benton that could have made his life better if he forgot about his fictional personality of himself. He thought his high school pals were the world and guys like Carter weren't meant to hang out with him, particularly not in public. Tobias had painfully hidden feelings for Carter, but Tobias's father, not a preacher but a deacon, was the very first one to shout amen each time the preacher condoned homosexuality. Although he ignored Carter at school, he only desired guys like Carter; those who weren't afraid to live.

***

I was awake before the sun rose the next morning after a dream about him. He was crying out to me from hell and begging that I dig up his grave to release him. With tears in his eyes, he pleaded for me to love him again. It was one of the many recurring dreams I had about him coming back and performing a miracle. 

While dressing for school, I looked at my reflection in the vanity mirror. The circles under my eyes were becoming darker, not even makeup could hide their awful appearance. Not eating properly had started to show its damage on my body, and my clothes started looking baggier on my rail thin frame.

Mr. Williams told me one day when we were parked in a secluded area of town that I had the most attractive figure. I threw my head back and laughed because no one had ever told me something like that.

"My wife is a big girl, you know." He smirked.

"I know." I said and played with the buttons on his collar. "I will never let my figure go."

"I don't expect you will, my dear," He said and gently pressed his lips into mine. "Either way, I think you're perfect."

Then, he leaned over me and began to vigorously kiss me. His taste was tantalizing each time it came into my mouth. When he touched my lips, everything about the outside reality melted away and did not matter. The fear of getting caught didn't seem as imminent or important.

"I wish I could kiss you before we fell asleep," he murmured in my ear.

"Together?" I whispered.

"Most definitely together, my dear."

I remember lying to my parents about where I was going. I would anxiously walk down to the corner of the street where he would pick me up. I felt the tangles of fear in my stomach each time I heard a car approaching. When his sleek, black truck crept towards me, I made haste and got in before anyone could have suspected me.

My parents were almost certain I would never find an actual high school sweetheart because no boys ever came up on the dirt bikes to come see if I wanted to come hang out with them. My closest male companion was Carter, but like I said before, he had no interest in pleasing a woman beyond a platonic relationship. Even when I went off to religious events with the youth group, I had brief flirtations, but the boys always chose the girl who's way I was in, the girl with a cheerleading uniform and a big scrunchie in her smooth hair.

So, it was a shock to find out that the one person who gazed in my direction was ten years older than me and had a wife and a young child. How revolting it seemed that I could only attract men who wanted ignorance and innocence neatly wrapped behind my freckled baby face. Not even Tobias Benton would pretend to flirt with me as he did with the other girls.