Rowyn's Lullaby

Chapter Eleven: Amor Prohibido

I remember coming to again with my face hovered over a white bowl. Arabella had my hair gripped in a knot with her hands. I was gagging heavily because it hurt so bad.

A roar came from behind us when the bathroom door opened. My mom stood in the doorway, stunned. "Is she okay?" She asked frantically.

Arabella shook her head. I threw another clump of bile into the toilet.

My mom did not ask if I ate something bad or drank some sour nog. She knew, or at least had an idea, why I was throwing up.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" She asked as she kneeled beside me.

I could not say anything. I did not want to expose that Mr. Williams had touched me last New Years, and that was what I was thinking about. I started to cry because the force was placing too much pressure.

"Mrs. Hensley," said Arabella. "Last New Year's, Mr. Williams was here."

My brain burned. She was betraying me but was doing the moral thing.

"Is that what is upsetting you?" My mom asked softly. Both she and Arabella were trying to make some semi-educated guesses about why I became ill.

I lifted my head and wiped away the lingering tears. I did not want to speak, so I only nodded my head. The strong scent of the bathroom made me want to pass out. I hated how often I was in the position on my knees bent over in pain.

Arabella released my hair, and my mom rubbed her hand on my shoulder.

"It will be okay, dear. He's in different place now. You don't have to worry about seeing him again or him hurting you again," she said. "You have been making such great progress the last two months and make us all so proud with your resilience. Please don't start giving up on yourself."

It was more than him coming back to this house and touching me. The fact that he loved me and did something with it for the first time last year was making me upset. I felt repulsed by my surroundings

"We can go home because you don't feel well." She rose and dusted off her denim skirt.

When she led me through the living room, I saw everyone had gathered around in a toast just as they had done last year and every year before this one. Except that this New Year's Eve was not like its precedent. Nothing would ever come close to the swelling feeling inside of me when he would look at me and smile with his sad, blue eyes.

***

I saw Carter pulling into the driveway that following Monday morning. Suddenly, it felt like the old times before I was homebound. Although I was loath to go to school again, I was ready to see Carter.

When I opened the door to the truck, I saw someone else sitting in the front seat. My enthusiasm evaporated instantly. Tobias had overtaken my spot as Carter's passenger.

"Oh, so, you're willing to be seen with him now, eh?" I asked and contorted my face.

Tobias shook his head. "Yeah. I'm not scared to ride to school with him."

I looked past him to cock my eyebrow at Carter. "Did you two make up or something?"

Carter said, "Well of course. He is still my friend."

I rolled my eyes and slammed the door in his face. He quickly rolled the window down and said, "You can still ride with me."

"Whatever," I snapped and opened the door to the back of the cab.

I sat stiffly in the back while they sat up front passing their joint back and forth and listening to their music. It became them together instead of Carter and me together. It was becoming them and me.