Random Oneshots

bike ride

T.w.
Smoking
Drinking
Cutting
Depression
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I have been feeling off for a couple days and I don't know what to do. I grab my sleek bike helmet and go down to the parking garage that is in my apartment. I am clad in black cargo pants tucked into black combat boots with a tank top and worn put sweater tucked into my pants with a belt looped through the pants. I get on my bike and put on my helmet. I start the bike up after putting my things in the storage compartments. I leave the parking garage and just decide to ride around in the dark city for a while. I speed up and go up the road that leads to the outlook up on top of the mountain.

When I get up to the out look a gust of gental wind blows and I am warmed up. I take my helmet off and set it down. I get off my bike and yet my beanie and put it on. I go to the edge of the out look and look over the city. The lights twinkling in the distance. I feel a tear roll down my cheek and another followed by more. I put my head In my hands while sobs wrack though my body.

'I'm a failure. I bearly passed highschool. I didn't get into the cooking industry. I didn't even get a traditional graduation document. I feel stupid. I feel like I failed. I tried so hard to pass only to bearly pass.' I wipe my tears and sniffle. I get up and go to the storage compartments on my motorcycle and grab my first aid kit and my phone. I look at the time and sigh.

'It's 2:30 am.' I grab the sharp blade that I took off of a pencil sharpener in 9th grade and grip it. Making sure not to drop the tiny object. I go back to the cliff and set the box down next to me. I take a deep breath and press the blade to my forearm. I breath out and slowly slide it towards my elbow making sure it hurts. I lift the blade up off of my skin and look down. It's about an inch long but not that deep. I put the blade back on my arm but this time I count to three and then press it on my arm as hard as I could and move it towards my elbow as fast as I could. I gaine my teeth together and let out a chocked sob through clenched teeth.

I look at the budding red dots and sigh a shaky sigh. I pant and lick my lips. I take a deep breath through my nose and let it out. I put the blade back in the box and grab a blood stained rag. Wiping my arm with it and disinfecting it. I put a cream on it and wrap it with gauss and then finally an ace wrap that sticks to its self. I put all my supplies away and grab a half used blunt and lighter along with a small bottle of rum. I light the blunt and breath it in taking it out of my mouth and breathing out. I cough a bit but soon get over it. I take a drink of the rum and scrunch my face up in disgust.

I cap the bottle and put it away. I get up and put the box back in the compartment and finish the blunt. I replace my beanie with the helmet and start my bike. I leave the outlook and head home.

I walk though my apartment door and set my keys down in the key bowl. I take my shoes off and put them away. I go over to my small desk  and grab my journal.

Date: 1/31/23

I just went to the out look and cried. I drank a little bit and smoked the rest of my blunt from last time. I'm not in an okay state, but I don't know what to do. I can't do anything. And if I do, I don't have any emotion behind It. I moved apartments to a small studio apartment with the space rent of $338 a month plus an extra $300 for utilities. I haven't talked to any family for a month. I have nothing to talk about. I go to work then home. I feel diffent, bad different. And this concludes my report.

I close my journal and sigh. I look up and decide to head to bed.
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