Matilda

ten

Two days ago, Harry saw me breaking down, and I've been feeling so weird ever since. He was never supposed to see this, never in a million years. I felt so embarrassed after he left. Val is the only person that ever saw me breaking down, but even in those situations, she couldn't do anything, she just stood by my side, and hold me until eventually, it stopped. 

But that's the worst and most confusing thing, to be honest. 

Because Harry did help. 

I don't know how he did it, but it was my first ever panic attack without burning. Obviously, he doesn't know that, but he didn't have to. I wish I could tell what it was, but I can't. All he did was not leave me alone, holding me and keep saying that it's gonna be alright. 

After I calmed down in the bathroom I told him to leave and that I'm fine. He had to get ready for the soundcheck and show, and so did I. 

But I was everything else but fine. The 17th of September is the day that changed my life. It's the day that'll haunt me for the rest of my life and is responsible for every panic attack, every burning, every bad episode, for every pain. 

It's the day I lost the person I loved most in this world. 

My life wasn't great before, no doubt. But I just got along with it, that's what my life is I thought. Things were always gonna be that way and the sooner I accepted that the better, so I did. But after that day my life took a 360° turn. And things would never be the same. Everything fell apart, and every bit of hope I had left crumbled, shattered more likely. 

So I kept to myself the day Harry saw me breaking down. Harry pretended as if nothing happened, and to be honest I'm so grateful for that. I believe he kind of felt that he wasn't supposed to witness this, so he just decided to not talk about it, not treating me any differently. Occasionally I would catch him staring at me, differently than before. I can't really figure out what it is in his eyes, sometimes it looks like hurt or sad compassion. 

Anyways, after the breakdown, I tried to pull myself together and we all went to the soundcheck. But my energy wasn't up for social interactions, so I went into my dressing room right after and came out before the show started. Once it was over I went back to the hotel. 

The days after the 17th got better, like every year. It's a vicious cycle, I know that it happens but I also know that eventually, I'll feel better again. It's an inevitable thing to happen.

After Philadelphia, we made a stop for a show in Washington DC and just arrived in Detroit after an eight-hour bus drive. I noticed that I like driving overnight, I mean the bunks are not super comfortable and big, but still, something about driving at night makes me feel comfortable. Sometimes I'd go into the common room and just sit there on one of the couches, looking outside, taking in the empty highways. 

"What time is soundcheck tomorrow?" Pauli asks when he, Naomi, Harry and I are entering the elevator to our hotel rooms, after just checking in. 

"1:30 I think." Harry says, scrolling through his phone. 

"Millie, you coming up tonight?" Naomi asks excitedly.

"Huh?" I tilt my head in confusion.

"On the rooftop, there's a bar and pool and everything. It's a closed society tonight, which means no fans, just us and some other business guys. You should come." She explains.

"Oh yeah sure, sounds good. Refreshing." I joke and Harry lets out a small chuckle, looking at me with an unreadable look in his eyes. 

"Perfect, to better night it is." Pauli says, laying an arm around my shoulder and hugging me from the side. I send him a warm smile.