Matilda

seven

TW// sh, graphic violent content, panic attacks, self-harm

"Whoa, that shit's good." Pauli says after trying the ramen Harry got for the team.

We're all sitting in the common room together, half an hour before the show in Boston tonight.

I sit on one of the couches next to Harry and Pauli. Naomi, Elin and Sarah are sitting across from us on the second couch, while Mitch is leaning against the kitchen counter, silently enjoying his ramen.

"I know, right? It's crazy, there are so many shops here, you'd survive a whole month only with ramen." Harry states, staring into his bowl.

Harry's already in his show outfit, which is very risky if you ask me. I wouldn't want ramen stains all over my glamorous Gucci stuff or whatever it is he's wearing.

For today's show, he's in baby-blue pants, hold by suspenders with a beige-orange-ish shirt with loads of glitter and small decorative gems, creating some patterns you're only able to see from the near.

Suddenly someone knocks on the door and opens it ajar. It's a staff member, calling out "5 minutes!", letting us know that it's time to get going.

We all get up from our seats and head for the door, but while the others turn left in the direction of the stage, I turn right towards my dressing room.

Things have been weird since Harry's and my trip yesterday. I don't really know what happened or what's happening at all really.

Sometimes in my life, I have those times where everything feels unreal as if I was in a bubble and living my best life. But then out of the blue the bubble breaks and I suffocate. I talked about this with my therapist, who always promised me that one day I won't need the bubble anymore to feel safe and at home.

So here we are in a situation like this. I practically do the job I always wanted to do, I travel and I'm working for Harry Styles who turns out to be indeed outrageously nice.

I think the main problem still is my social insecurity. I mean I get along with all of the band members and we always sit together in a group but I've barely talked to anyone alone besides Harry. And even with him, it's awkward because he's nice, and I'm simply not used to people being nice to me.

I'm not sure how to be around him and the others because of what they could think of me.

It's so unnecessary, but that's what an overthinking, anxious girl does when she's touring the world with strangers.

When I'm in my room I check my makeup in the mirror above the sink and take a last sip from my water bottle.

After I made sure that everything was in place and settled I now make my way towards the stage area, where the show already started. Jeffrey told me that it's not the world if I'm not there the minute the show starts, so I guess I'm fine.

From all the shows I've been to yet, I can't really tell a difference in the audience. It's not like 'oh yeah, that one's definitely louder and wilder' or something. It's more about the signs they bring or how Harry interacts with the fans.

What's also so funny is that you can literally see how the fans adapt to Harry. Like two shows ago he wore a pink cowboy hat, that was thrown on stage. Now I see so many fans in the audience with these cowboy hats. It's so interesting to see what power he has over them and how he inspires them.

He performs his first few songs and I take his and the band's pictures, walking around the stage while I also try to capture the audience with my lenses.

They're playing sunflower now and when Harry suddenly bends down to some fans he grabs something that looks like a sunflower hat.

And turns out I'm right when he indeed puts a huge sunflower over his head, his face being in the middle of all those yellow petals. So he's now jumping around as a giant living flower.